How to deal w/ family members who smoke

[Anonymous]

My SIL is a smoker and has recently started hanging around more (she used to live in another state), which includes spending time with my 2yo DD. While she doesn't smoke in our house or right next to us if we're outside, she will go out to smoke a few times during a typical visit. Despite what she thinks, her clothes reek of cigarettes when she comes inside and she doesn't always wash her hands. And it really bothers me that she is always trying to pick up and hug my DD.

I have asked DH to have a talk with her, which he has already done a couple times, but she doesn't seem to get the fact that we don't EVER want her to smoke around DD, not just the times he happens to say something. But he doesn't want to "upset" his sister and create unnecessary family drama, so he thinks we should just drop it.

I find her smoking to be unacceptable when she is around our DD - but am I wrong here/overreacting? There have been so many articles about 3rd hand smoke and if she is going to come over 1-2 times per week, that is just much exposure in my opinion.

Anyone have ideas on how you can politely ask someone not to smoke around your child so they get the picture but aren't offended? She is incredibly sensitive and her parents (my ILs) don't even know she smokes. She only seems to do it around us for some reason!

[Anonymous]

No advice, OP. But I would hate this too!

[Anonymous]

When you posted this yesterday it was explained that the studies on third hand smoke referred to people who lived with smokers and had consistent exposure to smoke. If you want to cut off contact with an involved family member, who you seem to have no other problems with, go ahead but your marriage will probably suffer.

[Anonymous]

Why did you post again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you post again?

Because she didn't get a bunch of responses saying how awful the SIL is.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, you are overreacting, as people told you yesterday. You are completely wrong and wrong about what third hand smoke is, too. Third hand smoke is when residue from past smoking INDOORS reacts with indoor air to create toxins that are dangerous. The way smokers smell after they come indoors is not dangerous to anybody. You just want to create drama and alienate your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, you are overreacting, as people told you yesterday. You are completely wrong and wrong about what third hand smoke is, too. Third hand smoke is when residue from past smoking INDOORS reacts with indoor air to create toxins that are dangerous. The way smokers smell after they come indoors is not dangerous to anybody. You just want to create drama and alienate your ILs.

I think she doesn't like her for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Can't DH politely ask her not to smoke when she visits your house?

[Anonymous]

It is a yucky smell though. Also the smokers exhalations when they come back inside from smoking really stink up a place.

[Anonymous]

You can ask her not to smoke during your visits indoor or out. That's about it.

[Anonymous]

That should say visits at your home.

[Anonymous]

My husband smokes outside. The pediatrician told him to quit. And if not possible, to always wash his hands and change his shirt before handling the baby. You could try that.

[Anonymous]

OP, apparently you posted something similar yesterday but I didn't see it.

Please step back from the immediate emotion of "she reeks and she's touching my child." I get that entirely, as non-smoker who had a smoking mother. But you're overreacting.

When our daughter was born, I asked the pediatrician what she thought: Should we limit visits at my mother's house? I knew my mom would never smoke in the same room as our child (and she never did.) The pediatrician replied: "I would not stop visiting a grandparent just because of this, as long as she isn't smoking around your child."

My mom smoked either in her own bedroom only or outside her house when we visited. Yes, the house smelled of smoke but I noticed that as soon as our child was born, the house smelled much better whenever we came; she was cutting back and also cleaning more. When she came to visit us, she smoked outdoors only. She said she realized that smoking had killed off her sense of smell, and she said she likely could not smell smoke on herself, so she was always careful to ensure her clothes were clean when she was around our child. We never told her to do these things or gave her ultimatums -- she just did them. Yes, I could still smell smoke in my mother's hair at times (hair really does absorb smells and retains them, sometimes even after washing) and on her breath at times.

But I would not trade all the time she had with my child for anything.

I hope you can realize, first, that your SIL is addicted to nicotine and that's hard to break. Start from a position of a bit of understanding for her addiction. You mention that she moved from another state recently -- a move is stressful, and if she moved due to a divorce or break-up or job problem etc. -- more stress. That means more nicotine, for a smoker. That's not an excuse but it's an explanation for why she might not have even thought about not smoking at this time.

Second, she's an adult, and while your husband (him, not you; it's his role, not yours) can kindly and lovingly tell her, "Hey, maybe now's the time to think about kicking the habit, sis; how can we help?" he and you cannot force another adult to stop.

Third, you refer to "we don't ever want her to smoke around DD," but can you be objective enough to see how, in her mind, she isn't "smoking around DD"? She is going outside to smoke every single time, as you report it. Can you see how she interprets that as not smoking around her niece? I'd agree with that interpretation. If you want her to stop smoking anywhere on your property including your yard, your husband needs to tell her that and ask that she get her fix before she comes over.

But then even if you ask her not to smoke anywhere on your property, you are going to object that she still smells of smoke when she comes to visit.

Still -- Unless your daughter is burying her face in aunt's shirt when aunt picks her up, there really is not an issue here.

The alternative is to ban your SIL from coming over at all until she kicks the habit. But what does that gain? An offended, upset and further stressed SIL, who likely might smoke more because she's stressed, and who will get defensive about her smoking and therefore be less likely to quit any time soon. If you feel "That's not my problem, I don't want her here at all while she is smoking anywhere at all, even her own home" -- then expect that you won't see her again. Why let this create a rift if she's never smoking around your child?

If you want to ask aunt to wash her hands after smoking outside in your yard, then politely do that. She will forget at times. Will you be upset every single time or will you focus on the fact she's building a relationship with your child? It's not like she's forgetting and lighting up while she's indoors.

It's interesting that you say "she only seems to do it around us." It only seems that way to you because it looms large for you right now, and I do understand why, having been there myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, apparently you posted something similar yesterday but I didn't see it.

Please step back from the immediate emotion of "she reeks and she's touching my child." I get that entirely, as non-smoker who had a smoking mother. But you're overreacting.

When our daughter was born, I asked the pediatrician what she thought: Should we limit visits at my mother's house? I knew my mom would never smoke in the same room as our child (and she never did.) The pediatrician replied: "I would not stop visiting a grandparent just because of this, as long as she isn't smoking around your child."

My mom smoked either in her own bedroom only or outside her house when we visited. Yes, the house smelled of smoke but I noticed that as soon as our child was born, the house smelled much better whenever we came; she was cutting back and also cleaning more. When she came to visit us, she smoked outdoors only. She said she realized that smoking had killed off her sense of smell, and she said she likely could not smell smoke on herself, so she was always careful to ensure her clothes were clean when she was around our child. We never told her to do these things or gave her ultimatums -- she just did them. Yes, I could still smell smoke in my mother's hair at times (hair really does absorb smells and retains them, sometimes even after washing) and on her breath at times.

But I would not trade all the time she had with my child for anything.

I hope you can realize, first, that your SIL is addicted to nicotine and that's hard to break. Start from a position of a bit of understanding for her addiction. You mention that she moved from another state recently -- a move is stressful, and if she moved due to a divorce or break-up or job problem etc. -- more stress. That means more nicotine, for a smoker. That's not an excuse but it's an explanation for why she might not have even thought about not smoking at this time.

Second, she's an adult, and while your husband (him, not you; it's his role, not yours) can kindly and lovingly tell her, "Hey, maybe now's the time to think about kicking the habit, sis; how can we help?" he and you cannot force another adult to stop.

Third, you refer to "we don't ever want her to smoke around DD," but can you be objective enough to see how, in her mind, she isn't "smoking around DD"? She is going outside to smoke every single time, as you report it. Can you see how she interprets that as not smoking around her niece? I'd agree with that interpretation. If you want her to stop smoking anywhere on your property including your yard, your husband needs to tell her that and ask that she get her fix before she comes over.

But then even if you ask her not to smoke anywhere on your property, you are going to object that she still smells of smoke when she comes to visit.

Still -- Unless your daughter is burying her face in aunt's shirt when aunt picks her up, there really is not an issue here.

The alternative is to ban your SIL from coming over at all until she kicks the habit. But what does that gain? An offended, upset and further stressed SIL, who likely might smoke more because she's stressed, and who will get defensive about her smoking and therefore be less likely to quit any time soon. If you feel "That's not my problem, I don't want her here at all while she is smoking anywhere at all, even her own home" -- then expect that you won't see her again. Why let this create a rift if she's never smoking around your child?

If you want to ask aunt to wash her hands after smoking outside in your yard, then politely do that. She will forget at times. Will you be upset every single time or will you focus on the fact she's building a relationship with your child? It's not like she's forgetting and lighting up while she's indoors.

It's interesting that you say "she only seems to do it around us." It only seems that way to you because it looms large for you right now, and I do understand why, having been there myself.

PP, your mom sounds great. it's such a pleasure to read about a family member being proactively thoughtful with a challenging situation.

[Anonymous]

We have family members who smoke and I hate it. But having a good relationship with them is much more important to me than taking a stand on this. I also don't think there is any real harm to my kids since they do it outside around us -- it's just my personal preference. Not worth getting upset over. Let it go.