Excluding mother from babys party

[Anonymous]

I have a very volatile relationship with my mother. She is bi-polar and a narcissist, who refuses to be medicated. Growing up was never easy. The constant yelling, put my siblings and I down, favoritism of my step-dad's child, making everything about her, ruining special occasions for no reason, the lying, and punishment's for no reason. She is addicted to "green grass" as well. Some days she is nice but that never lasts. She left my siblings and I with my father ( who has his own issues) for another man. The only reason we lived with her ( after 5 years of NC) was because my dad got sent to jail. She left us to sleep in a police station for two nights until she made a decision to come and get us. She is always so negative and never happy with anything.

We have a strained but okay relationship. We really only see her on holidays. On Christmas she threw a big fit over the wrong present. She ruined the whole mood of the night for all my relatives. DS turns one in February. DH doesn't want her at his birthday or to our house again. He thinks I should cut all contact. She is a horrible person but she is still my mom. I don't want her there but my siblings ( mostly my sister) keeps telling me it's not right to exclude her. What is the right thing to do?

[Anonymous]

do not invite her to the party. if you want to celebrate with her, make plans to go out to dinner at a restaurant for a different date.

[Anonymous]

Exclude her. Make your own life and memories with the family you have created.

[Anonymous]

Your house, your kid, your spouse. THEY are your first priority.

Do not invite her. She's sounds incredibly toxic. Your sister can invite whomever she wants to her home. You are under no obligation to invite anyone you feel will cause distress and drama, even if that person is your mother.

Life is too short for this shit.

[Anonymous]

What is "green grass?"

You probably don't see how dysfunctional your relationship with your mom is, or how it bleeds onto your husband and perhaps your baby. But it likely does. So I'd give a lot of weight to your husband's wishes.

And your sister probably doesn't understand what "normal" is, either. I'm not picking on either one of you. It's really difficult to get to a normal place with such a messed up childhood (been there, done that myself).

In your shoes, I would not invite her. But that could also cause a strained relationship between you and your sister. It sounds like a no-win situation. But if you want to have any chance at creating a healthy home and family life for your child, really listen to what your husband is saying about not wanting her in your house. He probably sees this much more clearly than you do.

And for the long-haul, is there any way you and your sister, and any other siblings, could get some family counseling?

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know it sucks. It's the legacy of severe mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is "green grass?"

You probably don't see how dysfunctional your relationship with your mom is, or how it bleeds onto your husband and perhaps your baby. But it likely does. So I'd give a lot of weight to your husband's wishes.

And your sister probably doesn't understand what "normal" is, either. I'm not picking on either one of you. It's really difficult to get to a normal place with such a messed up childhood (been there, done that myself).

In your shoes, I would not invite her. But that could also cause a strained relationship between you and your sister. It sounds like a no-win situation. But if you want to have any chance at creating a healthy home and family life for your child, really listen to what your husband is saying about not wanting her in your house. He probably sees this much more clearly than you do.

And for the long-haul, is there any way you and your sister, and any other siblings, could get some family counseling?

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know it sucks. It's the legacy of severe mental illness.

Weed AKA " green grass"

Thank you for your honest opinion. I have been to counseling and have grown mentally and emotionally since then. DH was so surprised to see that I resemble none of my mothers traits. DH has a father likes this who he has been estranged from for years before he passed. I think DH wants to protect me and our child. It's mostly likely a reminder of the negative times with his father, as well.

To be candid, I don't even love my mother. That sounds so horrific but it's true. She is my biological parent but was never a mother. You are right, my priority lies with my family. I plan to write her a letter explaining why I am ceasing our relationship. I don't want DS to ever experience the things I have.

[Anonymous]

I think you would be crazy to invite her. Sorry you are going trough this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is "green grass?"

You probably don't see how dysfunctional your relationship with your mom is, or how it bleeds onto your husband and perhaps your baby. But it likely does. So I'd give a lot of weight to your husband's wishes.

And your sister probably doesn't understand what "normal" is, either. I'm not picking on either one of you. It's really difficult to get to a normal place with such a messed up childhood (been there, done that myself).

In your shoes, I would not invite her. But that could also cause a strained relationship between you and your sister. It sounds like a no-win situation. But if you want to have any chance at creating a healthy home and family life for your child, really listen to what your husband is saying about not wanting her in your house. He probably sees this much more clearly than you do.

And for the long-haul, is there any way you and your sister, and any other siblings, could get some family counseling?

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know it sucks. It's the legacy of severe mental illness.

Weed AKA " green grass"

Thank you for your honest opinion. I have been to counseling and have grown mentally and emotionally since then. DH was so surprised to see that I resemble none of my mothers traits. DH has a father likes this who he has been estranged from for years before he passed. I think DH wants to protect me and our child. It's mostly likely a reminder of the negative times with his father, as well.

To be candid, I don't even love my mother. That sounds so horrific but it's true. She is my biological parent but was never a mother. You are right, my priority lies with my family. I plan to write her a letter explaining why I am ceasing our relationship. I don't want DS to ever experience the things I have.

I'm the PP. I don't love either one of my parents, either. Didn't shed a tear when my father died. So I understand the feeling. I've put up very extreme boundaries with my mother and my brother (brother is bipolar and narcissistic, too, so I can totally relate). I don't want to cut off all contact because that means losing contact with a niece and nephew. I'm not sure how well rigid boundaries would work in your case. They work very well with my mother, but not so well with my brother, who is also bipolar and narcissistic. He RAILS in anger if anyone does something he dislikes, like simply declining a dinner invitation. I don't know if your mother will react similarly. But I sincerely wish you the best. I've written before on here that I feel permanently damaged in some ways by my childhood, but that I feel I function well now. My biggest hope is to not pass the dysfunction on to my kids. "That" will be a successful life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is "green grass?"

You probably don't see how dysfunctional your relationship with your mom is, or how it bleeds onto your husband and perhaps your baby. But it likely does. So I'd give a lot of weight to your husband's wishes.

And your sister probably doesn't understand what "normal" is, either. I'm not picking on either one of you. It's really difficult to get to a normal place with such a messed up childhood (been there, done that myself).

In your shoes, I would not invite her. But that could also cause a strained relationship between you and your sister. It sounds like a no-win situation. But if you want to have any chance at creating a healthy home and family life for your child, really listen to what your husband is saying about not wanting her in your house. He probably sees this much more clearly than you do.

And for the long-haul, is there any way you and your sister, and any other siblings, could get some family counseling?

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know it sucks. It's the legacy of severe mental illness.

Weed AKA " green grass"

Thank you for your honest opinion. I have been to counseling and have grown mentally and emotionally since then. DH was so surprised to see that I resemble none of my mothers traits. DH has a father likes this who he has been estranged from for years before he passed. I think DH wants to protect me and our child. It's mostly likely a reminder of the negative times with his father, as well.

To be candid, I don't even love my mother. That sounds so horrific but it's true. She is my biological parent but was never a mother. You are right, my priority lies with my family. I plan to write her a letter explaining why I am ceasing our relationship. I don't want DS to ever experience the things I have.

I'm the PP. I don't love either one of my parents, either. Didn't shed a tear when my father died. So I understand the feeling. I've put up very extreme boundaries with my mother and my brother (brother is bipolar and narcissistic, too, so I can totally relate). I don't want to cut off all contact because that means losing contact with a niece and nephew. I'm not sure how well rigid boundaries would work in your case. They work very well with my mother, but not so well with my brother, who is also bipolar and narcissistic. He RAILS in anger if anyone does something he dislikes, like simply declining a dinner invitation. I don't know if your mother will react similarly. But I sincerely wish you the best. I've written before on here that I feel permanently damaged in some ways by my childhood, but that I feel I function well now. My biggest hope is to not pass the dysfunction on to my kids. "That" will be a successful life.

You definitely understand me then. My mother will most likely rip it up, call me names, and then call all of my family members and tell them what I did. She will spin it into a way that creates her as the victim, as usual. I have suffered and been damaged by my childhood. I had to go through sexual abuse, had serious trust and abandonment issues, low self-esteem and worth, and a bad temper. Therapy helped immensely. The thing I hope fro most is to shelter my child from that kind of upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is "green grass?"

You probably don't see how dysfunctional your relationship with your mom is, or how it bleeds onto your husband and perhaps your baby. But it likely does. So I'd give a lot of weight to your husband's wishes.

And your sister probably doesn't understand what "normal" is, either. I'm not picking on either one of you. It's really difficult to get to a normal place with such a messed up childhood (been there, done that myself).

In your shoes, I would not invite her. But that could also cause a strained relationship between you and your sister. It sounds like a no-win situation. But if you want to have any chance at creating a healthy home and family life for your child, really listen to what your husband is saying about not wanting her in your house. He probably sees this much more clearly than you do.

And for the long-haul, is there any way you and your sister, and any other siblings, could get some family counseling?

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know it sucks. It's the legacy of severe mental illness.

Weed AKA " green grass"

Thank you for your honest opinion. I have been to counseling and have grown mentally and emotionally since then. DH was so surprised to see that I resemble none of my mothers traits. DH has a father likes this who he has been estranged from for years before he passed. I think DH wants to protect me and our child. It's mostly likely a reminder of the negative times with his father, as well.

To be candid, I don't even love my mother. That sounds so horrific but it's true. She is my biological parent but was never a mother. You are right, my priority lies with my family. I plan to write her a letter explaining why I am ceasing our relationship. I don't want DS to ever experience the things I have.

I'm the PP. I don't love either one of my parents, either. Didn't shed a tear when my father died. So I understand the feeling. I've put up very extreme boundaries with my mother and my brother (brother is bipolar and narcissistic, too, so I can totally relate). I don't want to cut off all contact because that means losing contact with a niece and nephew. I'm not sure how well rigid boundaries would work in your case. They work very well with my mother, but not so well with my brother, who is also bipolar and narcissistic. He RAILS in anger if anyone does something he dislikes, like simply declining a dinner invitation. I don't know if your mother will react similarly. But I sincerely wish you the best. I've written before on here that I feel permanently damaged in some ways by my childhood, but that I feel I function well now. My biggest hope is to not pass the dysfunction on to my kids. "That" will be a successful life.

You definitely understand me then. My mother will most likely rip it up, call me names, and then call all of my family members and tell them what I did. She will spin it into a way that creates her as the victim, as usual. I have suffered and been damaged by my childhood. I had to go through sexual abuse, had serious trust and abandonment issues, low self-esteem and worth, and a bad temper. Therapy helped immensely. The thing I hope fro most is to shelter my child from that kind of upbringing.

When you do write your letter OP, keep it very, very short. Use as few words as possible. No need to explain yourself. Something like:

"Please make no contact with me from this point forward. I will not be contacting you. Be well. Sally"

[Anonymous]

My own mother, whom I love very much, once told me that there is no law that we have to love or respect our parents - and she meant it. And that some parents deserved to be hated and dismissed from their children's lives. I was blessed to have her as a mother but she had seen so much abuse in her life that she knew that the act of fertilizing an egg or giving birth was of little consequence. She would be the first to tell you to let your mother go and never feel bad about it.

You have your own family now. Protect that family and their feelings.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to respect your husband on this one. This is your new immediate family. He sees her as toxic and doesnt want her in the house or ruining future celebrations. Meet her separately for a birthday lunch if needed.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have really tried with your Mom. But don't sacrifice anything for her. Make a nice life for your family and yourself. That should be her reward- don't feel guilty no matter what your sister says. My sister does the same to me- I ignore it.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you should send her a letter ceasing the relationship. Sometimes such moves just make things worse with people like your mom.

Just don't invite her. Don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your house, your kid, your spouse. THEY are your first priority.

Do not invite her. She's sounds incredibly toxic. Your sister can invite whomever she wants to her home. You are under no obligation to invite anyone you feel will cause distress and drama, even if that person is your mother.

Life is too short for this shit.

This +1000

OP, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I have the same exact issues with my mom and had to decide early on that I just had to pull back. She can't control herself and refuses to acknowledge any issues. I recognized that things will never change and have very, very limited contact with her now.

I agree with the PP that life is too short. Would you put up with that kind of crap from a friend or co-worker? Or your DH? No way! You shouldn't have to put up with it from your own mother.

I'm still a bit sad that we don't have a relationship, but the trade-off is worth it. So much less drama and negativity.