Your ideal family
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Anonymous
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I did not have an ideal family growing up (no one does!) - plenty manipulative, passive aggressive, repressed, disorganized, jealous, overly competitive people. One of the families I admire (the family of a best friend growing up) is not perfect, but I wanted to write down a list of what I like about them so that I can strive to make my family some of those things. A bit optimistic for DCUM, maybe, but I don't have a diary, so here it goes. I'd love to hear others' "ideals" too!
- parents are fun (they used to put on music from their youth and teach the kids silly dances) - siblings argue, but genuinely care for each other's well-being - siblings remain close in young-adulthood - uncluttered home - kids encouraged to have friends over pretty much any time for sleepovers too - parents protective borderline strict about the values that are most important - parents always supportive of kids' ambitions |
Anonymous
| And I know my intro was really down on my family, and every family has it's ugliness on the inside, but I'm trying to look for positive role models outside my own for the reasons I listed. |
Anonymous
I had a bad childhood, too. And it had very long-lasting effects. I'm trying not to pass that crap on to my kids. So I have mostly focused on my kids' emotional health. That means parenting so the child feels unconditionally loved. Teaching and modeling kindness and empathy. And trying to laugh a lot. But I never really got into more specifics like the sleepover thing. I definitely agree with being supportive of a child's ambitions. I think most kids are pretty awesome if you let them be. 
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Anonymous
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I had/still have a great family and had a lovely childhood. We had all the things you listed. I would add this to the list:
--parents who genuinely liked one another and were each other's friends. Demonstrative with their love for each other and for their children. |
Anonymous
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Mine would've been just fine if my dad hadn't beaten my mom and put her down constantly.
I wanted to be adopted by my friend's parents, my parents to get divorced or grow up and get out, whichever came first. Unfortunately turning 18 came first- long 15 years seeing abuse. I'd add drama free family and fun parents to the list. My friend's dad constantly made jokes. I still think he is the coolest dad ever. |
Anonymous
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I had all the things you listed but don't consider myself to have had what most think of as the "ideal" family- there was infidelity, money issues, divorce- but I think you can still have all those things above and have a very good family system even if its not ideal or close to perfect!
The music thing was huge in our house BTW, and I am texting with my adult sister in NY right now |
Anonymous
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I had a good childhood. My parents have a great marriage and were good parents. The keys, IMO:
(1) The rules were the rules, and they were enforced. They weren't arbitrary--when we got in trouble we pretty much knew going in that we were going to get in trouble. Discipline wasn't based on whims and moods. The rules were fair and made sense. (2) We felt safe. In part, because of (1), but also because we knew that our parents loved each other and loved us. Our needs were always met. We knew our parents would protect us if needed. And they were definitely the adults--they didn't try to be our friends, they were our parents. (3) Lots of affection--our family was warm, joked and played together, spent time together, and you could always get a hug. Fights were fair: No withholding of affection, silent treatment, mean personal comments, etc. (4) Our parents didn't try to make us fit some mold--they respected and nurtured our gifts and were proud of our successes, even if they weren't the ones they had imagined. |
Anonymous
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I adore my family but was acutely aware of our problems growing up. The main ways I hope to change the dynamic with my own family are:
1) to like and respect my husband (and vice versa) and make that apparent to the kids and 2) to minimize, really minimize, the presence of anger. My mom is extremely loving but she went through a long, really harmful period of despising my dad. And she could get SO furious, which had a chilling impact on the whole family. |
Anonymous
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Parents who respect each other, even if they don't love each other anymore. One of the greatest gifts my parents gave my siblings and I was to treat each other with fairness and kindess while divorcing.
They now have a friendly relationship and don't even bat an eye at spending time with each other. It makes holidays and vacations much easier. In fact, my family is happier than my DH's whose parents are still married... |
Anonymous
That was my family. Well, except the music part- my Dad likes Blue Grass - which I now like a bit as an adult (mainly because of the times I heard it as a child). We are trying to do the same withour children- sans Blue Grass.
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Anonymous
+1 In addition to what OP stated. I strive to give my children that. I did not realize!
It is amazing some people have no idea what others clawed and fought their way from, in order to be where they are today. Not everyone is handed everything. |
Anonymous
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Good list, OP.
I also think unplugging from electronics is worth adding. Interpersonal interactions and attention spans have greatly changed over the years. Sometimes we repeat destructive patterns and not even been aware of it. So it's good to have the eye on the prize. |
Anonymous
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My ideal family has enough money to not have to worry. I grew up with 8 kids in my family and we always felt pretty poor and inadequate. We never ate out or went on vacations.
I had just one kid to be able to afford life. People always say money doesn't buy happiness. But having enough money not to have to worry is great. |
Anonymous
I was going to post this exact same thing, down to the last sentence. I love my family dearly, and it has a lot to do with how my parents ALWAYS showed respect for each other and for us kids (and, later on, for each other's new spouses) even during tough times. |
Anonymous
| If all siblings help each other when needed. Not one sibling bearing the burden of elderly parents. I'm not even asking for over the top help. For the sake of the parents, just take over some of the errands and doctor appts and occasional drop food off, cook or just order carry out for them. Or take them out on a few hours of outing once a month. or drop them off to see their friends. Is that too much to ask?! |