Advice for starting to date again after breakup? Looking for the right man.

[Anonymous]

I'm a graduate school educated, 31-year-old woman with a fun-loving personality. I am attractive, young looking (carded 90 percent of the time), family oriented, and enjoy the arts, concerts, restaurants, museums, travel, etc. I would like to find the right guy to spend my life with -- someone supportive, loving, intelligent, funny, and easy on the eyes with similar interests. I want to get married and have children, but am not laser-focused on it. I'm not that type.

I was in a long term (several years) relationship with someone my age that did not work out and now am back on the market. I have not dated in a while and have no idea where to start. The breakup is fresh, so I may wait a few weeks before dipping my toe in.

Any advice for me?

[Anonymous]

Go easy on the prerequisites. Get back into dating before you start laying out the laundry-list of expectations.

[Anonymous]

How fresh?

Be single for a while. Don't start looking for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Enjoy your new freedom, do things you want to do, and re-discover yourself as an individual.

Like you I also came out of a LTR and was looking to date really fast. But once I started dating, I realized that I needed to just spend time alone and learn who I was. I've taken up some hobbies, began focusing on myself more, and I'm happier than ever.

I do date but not seriously. I don't want that right now.

As for how dating has changed from several years ago, you'll notice online dating is no longer taboo. It can be frustrating, but there it is easier to get in contact with people vs. meeting people on the streets or in the bar.

Maybe try some Meetup.com meets to be introduced to new people with similar interest. Just don't go in looking for a relationship from another member. Expand your network.

[Anonymous]

I can see where you're coming from, but I don't think supportive, intelligent, similar interests, and easy on the eyes is a laundry list or unreasonable. After dating the wrong people, from now on I'm choosing to focus on what will be compatible with me. I'd rather approach things somewhat thoughtfully, if possible, rather than just jumping into it. With all due respect, being too picky has not traditionally been my problem. Rather, being too loyal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: With all due respect, being too picky has not traditionally been my problem. Rather, being too loyal.

I know EXACTLY what you are saying. Loyal to a fault is my problem.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. We split up within the last few weeks because it became clear he has problems he will have to address by himself, and it will take a long time. I have been patient and supportive, but the relationship came to a breaking point. I am by no means crushed or furious, I am just accepting reality. I'm ok with being single for a little while. The dating thing is obviously something that's been on my mind since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: With all due respect, being too picky has not traditionally been my problem. Rather, being too loyal.

I know EXACTLY what you are saying. Loyal to a fault is my problem.

I will never understand women who invest years of their 20s on the same man with no ring and mo commitment. If you are 31, find a marriage minded man. Find out soon. And then don't waste your time. Men expect sex by the 3rd date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. We split up within the last few weeks because it became clear he has problems he will have to address by himself, and it will take a long time. I have been patient and supportive, but the relationship came to a breaking point. I am by no means crushed or furious, I am just accepting reality. I'm ok with being single for a little while. The dating thing is obviously something that's been on my mind since then.

Few weeks and already looking at dating again? Damn girl slow down

Go out and be single for 6 months +

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: With all due respect, being too picky has not traditionally been my problem. Rather, being too loyal.

I know EXACTLY what you are saying. Loyal to a fault is my problem.

I will never understand women who invest years of their 20s on the same man with no ring and mo commitment. If you are 31, find a marriage minded man. Find out soon. And then don't waste your time. Men expect sex by the 3rd date.

Agree. If things are going towards sex by the 3rd date, I start questioning if a girl is really in to me.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous

I will never understand women who invest years of their 20s on the same man with no ring and mo commitment. If you are 31, find a marriage minded man. Find out soon. And then don't waste your time. Men expect sex by the 3rd date.

OP here. Hmm...well, I actually was in very love with the person and wanted to try to work on things as much as possible. For me, the love you have is more important than the fact of marriage. I don't regret the things I went through because it made me a stronger, wiser person and I am a great catch for the next man.

Also, I don't care what men expect...I won't be having sex until I'm in a relationship. I am very sexual and enjoy that connection, but I had my share of sloppy dance floor makeouts and fooling around in college and early 20s. Not interested in that at this point in my life. If a guy has a problem with respecting my boundaries, obviously he won't be the right one for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. We split up within the last few weeks because it became clear he has problems he will have to address by himself, and it will take a long time. I have been patient and supportive, but the relationship came to a breaking point. I am by no means crushed or furious, I am just accepting reality. I'm ok with being single for a little while. The dating thing is obviously something that's been on my mind since then.

Few weeks and already looking at dating again? Damn girl slow down

Go out and be single for 6 months +

I guess it has been slowly breaking down for a while so I have gotten a lot of the grief out of my system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. We split up within the last few weeks because it became clear he has problems he will have to address by himself, and it will take a long time. I have been patient and supportive, but the relationship came to a breaking point. I am by no means crushed or furious, I am just accepting reality. I'm ok with being single for a little while. The dating thing is obviously something that's been on my mind since then.

Few weeks and already looking at dating again? Damn girl slow down

Go out and be single for 6 months +

I guess it has been slowly breaking down for a while so I have gotten a lot of the grief out of my system.

I can relate. I was the same way after my LTR breakup. I thought it was too early to look. But I felt we were "apart" for a long time. I was ready to move on and have some fun.

So I hit up Tinder and had some fun

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[quote=Anonymous

I will never understand women who invest years of their 20s on the same man with no ring and mo commitment. If you are 31, find a marriage minded man. Find out soon. And then don't waste your time. Men expect sex by the 3rd date.

OP here. Hmm...well, I actually was in very love with the person and wanted to try to work on things as much as possible. For me, the love you have is more important than the fact of marriage. I don't regret the things I went through because it made me a stronger, wiser person and I am a great catch for the next man.

Also, I don't care what men expect...I won't be having sex until I'm in a relationship. I am very sexual and enjoy that connection, but I had my share of sloppy dance floor makeouts and fooling around in college and early 20s. Not interested in that at this point in my life. If a guy has a problem with respecting my boundaries, obviously he won't be the right one for me.

You have been out of the dating scene for a while. You are in your 30s. Expecting a man to wait until you are "In a relationship" is going to limit your options...dramatically.

As a male, who respects women, I will not be exclusive or get in to a relationship with a woman unless we have slept together. Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship..and if we aren't compatible on that level, then no use becoming exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[quote=Anonymous

I will never understand women who invest years of their 20s on the same man with no ring and mo commitment. If you are 31, find a marriage minded man. Find out soon. And then don't waste your time. Men expect sex by the 3rd date.

OP here. Hmm...well, I actually was in very love with the person and wanted to try to work on things as much as possible. For me, the love you have is more important than the fact of marriage. I don't regret the things I went through because it made me a stronger, wiser person and I am a great catch for the next man.

Also, I don't care what men expect...I won't be having sex until I'm in a relationship. I am very sexual and enjoy that connection, but I had my share of sloppy dance floor makeouts and fooling around in college and early 20s. Not interested in that at this point in my life. If a guy has a problem with respecting my boundaries, obviously he won't be the right one for me.

You have been out of the dating scene for a while. You are in your 30s. Expecting a man to wait until you are "In a relationship" is going to limit your options...dramatically.

As a male, who respects women, I will not be exclusive or get in to a relationship with a woman unless we have slept together. Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship..and if we aren't compatible on that level, then no use becoming exclusive.

Totally see your point of view, but part of my personal growth has been not doing something just because someone else wants me to. I plan on being very transparent about this fact, and hopefully a special guy who has gotten to know me and sees potential will be happy to wait until I feel comfortable. I am much more than just someone to sleep with. If anything, I believe it will weed out men who are not looking for the same thing I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[quote=Anonymous

I will never understand women who invest years of their 20s on the same man with no ring and mo commitment. If you are 31, find a marriage minded man. Find out soon. And then don't waste your time. Men expect sex by the 3rd date.

OP here. Hmm...well, I actually was in very love with the person and wanted to try to work on things as much as possible. For me, the love you have is more important than the fact of marriage. I don't regret the things I went through because it made me a stronger, wiser person and I am a great catch for the next man.

Also, I don't care what men expect...I won't be having sex until I'm in a relationship. I am very sexual and enjoy that connection, but I had my share of sloppy dance floor makeouts and fooling around in college and early 20s. Not interested in that at this point in my life. If a guy has a problem with respecting my boundaries, obviously he won't be the right one for me.

You have been out of the dating scene for a while. You are in your 30s. Expecting a man to wait until you are "In a relationship" is going to limit your options...dramatically.

As a male, who respects women, I will not be exclusive or get in to a relationship with a woman unless we have slept together. Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship..and if we aren't compatible on that level, then no use becoming exclusive.

Totally see your point of view, but part of my personal growth has been not doing something just because someone else wants me to. I plan on being very transparent about this fact, and hopefully a special guy who has gotten to know me and sees potential will be happy to wait until I feel comfortable. I am much more than just someone to sleep with. If anything, I believe it will weed out men who are not looking for the same thing I am.

Well it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you know what you want. That is attractive as well. Hopefully you do find what you are looking for. Until then...have some fun