How do I help my 13y/o son care about his grades?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| DS has some learning issues which have been addressed and modifications made for him. Had been doing well but as soon as anything becomes too difficult or timeconsuming he takes the easy way out. Grades have dropped from A/B to C/D bordering on failing. He doesn't care. He works with a psychiatrist already. Really feeling lost today. Feel like the past 4 years I've been doing everything I can to help him but its time for him to step up. I don't need straight A's, or honor roll. I just want him to want better for himself. |
Anonymous
|
Take him to a poor community and tell him that if he doesn't get good grades, he will not be able to afford where you live and that is employment options will be limited and if he is lucky, he may be able to live like the people there. Appalachia comes to mind.
|
Anonymous
Jeez-Louise! Are you the same parent who told your 5-year-old that McDonald's employees didn't work hard enough in school? |
Anonymous
|
OP - he is in the middle of hormonal upheaval. I have no advice but I can tell you that he is at a common age for this to happen. Does he have an organization tutor? That can help and potentially restore peace at home. You can't make him care, but you probably can get him closer to mediocre. 14:43 can shut up.
|
Anonymous
Because everyone knows that poverty in America is tied to being lazy and/or stupid. 
The truth is that OP's son probably WON'T end up in poverty. He is a privileged child of an upper SES family. He may not do as well as his parents would hope, but he is highly unlikely to end up in poverty. |
Anonymous
| What does he say about it all? |
Anonymous
| What does the teacher say? Is he not doing his homework? Does he have a homework notebook/organizational calendar for him to list all homework? Sometimes, teachers post homework online that a parent can verify? Are you aware of when his tests are scheduled? Are you involved in his studying? I presume he is in middle school. Homework and tests ramp up and maybe he needs some additional help from either you or a professional. |
Anonymous
|
Second the recommendation for an organizational tutor, which teaches study habits and techniques and, wonderfully, takes you out of the picture for at least this piece.
Get a book like the Kazdin method. Rewards (like money for grades) are out of favor because you can't buy a love of learning. Punishments are also out of favor because the kid associates school with bad things like punishments. The trick, apparently, is to construct a ladder of "privileges" that he earns as well as "consequences", and to make all of this very clear and automatic. (Yes, as you can see, rewards and punishments never really go away, they just get rebranded.) That way, the next time he gets a C or D, he automatically loses some "privilege," like the right to see a friend before 5pm on Saturday, and instead he needs to stay home and review math or whatever it was until the grade comes back up to a B or better. Write all of this out on a paper and put it on the refrigerator, so that next time you can take out the personal element of you standing over him yelling, and instead it's instead it's clear and automatic. Taking him to McDonalds or Appalachia will only cause him to say, "I'm better than those losers." Really. Also, PPs are right that he gets a bump just from being an upper SES kid. Go the "hands off, let him fail" method only if you want to stand by and watch him fail. That's for parents who don't set expectations and boundaries in any other part of their kids' lives, either. |
Anonymous
|
13 was the low point for both of our boys when it came to school work. Our oldest DS is only turning it around now, at age 16. For him the thing that probably helped the most was being in a great school with a group of high performing students. Nothing that we said seemed to make a difference but he did not want to leave his peers so he pulled it together to be able to stay in school. (Also, he is a very bright kid, so we focused on skills rather than grades, knowing that he understands almost everything. His school placed into a track that will take him through multivariate calculus in high school and we encouraged him stay on that track even though he had less than a 3.0 as a freshman).
Our other DS also has learning issues. For him, we hired an organizational tutor and backed off. The PP explained it well. Hang in there, age 13 for boys is tough! |
Anonymous
| Op here: thanks for the suggestions. Most we are already doing. So glad to hear we are on a good path. Trying to keep my anxiety in check and remind myself of all his good qualities. School is tough for kids like him. I love him so much. |
Anonymous
|
Take away something that is important to him.
Video games, interaction with friends, free time, whatever it takes. |
Anonymous
|
Mom of a 13 year old boy with no learning issues here. I really believe it's about the age. We have to stay on top of him. He's smart, but then he just forgets to turn things in or flakes it on a test. He can pull As and Bs but it's not without staying on him.
Like PP suggested, we've resorted to taking privileges away. The apps on the phone were disabled. Then we disabled Safari. As the grades improve, the apps return. |
Anonymous
| That crumbled piece of paper was due last week. |
Anonymous
| OP here: the normal consequences don't work for him since he doesn't watch TV or really play video games. He is happy being sent to his room. We have had to be creative with the consequences. We have been adding chores for him to do. I was hoping I could back off a little on the supervision but it is clear I will have to stay vigilant. I will reach out to his teachers and his resource teacher again. Thanks for the reminder about the hormones. I also think the upcoming holidays also got him off track. We made it clear to him that we expect his best effort when school resumes. |
Anonymous
| Money. Incentivize him to get better grades. Seriously it works. |