Boyfriend wants to transition

[Anonymous]

I'm open to this as I think you should express yourself as you feel most comfortable. Just worried about a few things. He says he is attracted to women, so he would transition and be a lesbian. He wants the surgery farther down the line. He has a kid from a previous marriage and I am wondering how this will effect the dynamic between them. I am open to staying with him but I'm not sure if I want to be with a woman down the line. Anyone BTDT and can give advice?

[Anonymous]

WOW, OP.

Good luck. I think you need to just tell him what you told us. Tell him that you are supportive, but that you are (a) worried that you will not be attracted to him as a woman, so you guys may end up breaking up down the line. Which he probably assumes is a real possibility anyway. And (b) he definitely needs to think about the effect on his son - it could make sense to wait a couple more years if the kid is at a very sensitive age.

FYI - it wouldn't make you a bad person if you decided not to stay with him as a romantic partner after he transitioned. If this isn't your thing, it's not your thing. I'm attracted to men and not women, so I'd be uninterested in dating a transgendered male-female. But he could probably use you as a friend.

[Anonymous]

It's okay to be open to it for other people, but not want it for yourself. I was in a relationship when I found out the guy had been with other guys (I'm a woman). It took me quite a while to realize I had felt guilt about leaving because he seemed very depressed and needy. A therapist once asked me why I didn't think I deserved more/better. Do you think you are like that (i.e. not expecting enough for yourself and thinking of others too much)?

[Anonymous]

Jennifer Finney Boylan has an awesome book about her transition, which may be helpful to you guys. It sounds like it's pretty common for relationships not to survive the transition as romantic relationships, although many couples remain close afterwards. Kids generally seem less affected by transitions than adults commonly assume.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I'd take it as it comes. You are obligated to be decent, human, and as supportive as you feel able. You are not obligated to stay romantically involved with someone if their gender, presentation, or anything else about them is no longer attractive to you. No excuse needed, break up with them just as you would if things weren't working out for any reason.

I hope/assume that your BF has a therapist. That's who he should be talking about with regard to the impact on his son. It's not really your business.

[Anonymous]

Kris?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I care very much for him and I am open to an alternative lifestyle. (We are already "crunchy" types lol). I just don't know. This is a big change but I want to be there for him.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is in the process of transitioning, MTF. Her wife is supportive in concept, but has decided she can no longer maintain the relationship as a romantic pairing. In general, there is nothing wrong with that. However, there are plenty of ways you can screw that up. Because of finances and other issues, they are still living together and yet my friend's wife has started openly dating others. (My friend came out to her barely 6 months ago.) Don't do that.

My advice? Take things slowly and if you need to make the break, do it as cleanly and as mutually as possible. Your partner is going through a whole heck of a lot at the moment and if taking hormones, dealing with what is essentially puberty and a whole range of physical and emotional changes. As for the kid? There is plenty of time in the process to hold off communication with your partner's son on this for now. I'd have your partner speak with her therapist on the topic. (Which hopefully she has been and will continue to work with while moving through this process.)

[Anonymous]

Thank you!

Op here. He wants to transition, but apparently he wants to keep his male genitalia. I was trying to explain that not changing genitals is simply crossdressing or transgender (not transsexual)? I'm just confused and he says he still wants to be with me in all ways (including sexually).

[Anonymous]

My good friend just went through the long hard process of transitioning. It took a long time and honestly she changed her mind several times along the way about what she wanted. The process isn't like flipping a switch and there will be many changes in your boyfriends thought process along the way.

Good luck, there are many online resources to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you!

Op here. He wants to transition, but apparently he wants to keep his male genitalia. I was trying to explain that not changing genitals is simply crossdressing or transgender (not transsexual)? I'm just confused and he says he still wants to be with me in all ways (including sexually).

PS while your partner is trying to figure things out now is not the time for labels. He may not know exactly what he wants, so trying to fit him exactly into a place doesn't help either of you. I know it helps to try and get a feeling of control - but right now labels don't help. Just be the people you need to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My good friend just went through the long hard process of transitioning. It took a long time and honestly she changed her mind several times along the way about what she wanted. The process isn't like flipping a switch and there will be many changes in your boyfriends thought process along the way.

Good luck, there are many online resources to help.

Thanks! It's a process I know, I'm generally an anxious person so I worry about what may happen.