Falling Behind Your Peers

[Anonymous]

Usually I deal with this better, but this holiday season has been depressing so I'm going to vent.

I'm 29, female, multiple degrees, got laid off in 2011 and have been holding temp jobs since then, and was forced to move back in with my parents at the beginning of this year. I have faith that I'll find my feet again, but the past few years have just taken a toll on me emotionally, financially, and even physically. I can't even afford to go out to restaurants and I haven't bought new clothes, seriously, since last year.

Meanwhile, all my old friends are succeeding so well at life. They are having fun parties for Christmas and New Year's and moving in with great significant others and going on exotic vacations. I haven't gone to a single holiday party this year OR last year. I'll spend New Year's Eve with my elderly parents, who are as frustrated with my inertia as I am. I haven't even had a boyfriend since 2011.

I feel very envious of my friends right now, and hopeless that I'll ever have the fun that they are having, and feel like I have wasted my twenties.

[Anonymous]

2014 was a tough year for many of us. You're not alone. Here's hoping for a better 2015!

[Anonymous]

29, guy here, I could have written exactly what you just wrote. My other siblings and friends are flying high when we all pretty much followed the same path.

You aren't alone in the boat - that's all I can say.

And it will get worse - there's great economic upheaval that'll take place in the next 5-10 years that'll take place.

Just take it one day at a time and while I know it sounds corny, 20 years from now you'll look back and while still holding scars from being 'knocked off the track' (they won't go away) you will also hold some real good memories of when you were able to be with your parents.

They'll appreciate it and you will to in some sense.

[Anonymous]

It will come together for you and you will have more empathy for others because of this experience. Now close the Facebook, and focus on your plans and efforts for the new year. It is going to be okay. Hang in there and all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will come together for you and you will have more empathy for others because of this experience. Now close the Facebook, and focus on your plans and efforts for the new year. It is going to be okay. Hang in there and all the best.

PP here- this. I closed mine in 2008 even when things were ok. It would be completely unhealthy if I had it now.

And while it is tough to get well physically when you are emotionally depressed, but I would make it a habit of taking this time that you have where you aren't in a long term professional situation with tons on your plate to work out more. Because after every day, even if it was shitty, you can atleast rest knowing you did something good for yourself today.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I know that feeling.
DH was laid off when I was about to give birth to DC2 (and was already staying home with DC1). He took 18 months to find a job - with an MD and a PhD, and multiple lesser degrees. We nearly lost the house and lived very near the bone.
Meanwhile some of my friends were spending money right and left and that was hard to watch.

So... stay strong, OP. Pursue each job opportunity with dogged diligence. Stay connected with former colleagues, however it may pain you to keep in touch. Stay abreast of all news in your field. Your day will come.

And at least you don't have little ones who depend on you.

[Incognita]

I'm sure it is very difficult when your parents are weary of the situation. I'm sorry OP.

There is no great advice but to say stay strong, perhaps tune down on the social media as pp suggested. You won't be able to get out if you keep a negative attitude, so try to stay positive and keep going for it. Keep your head up and focus on you, not what others have done or are doing, that won't help.

Also, is it possible to work the temp jobs and save to relocate? Are you finding difficulty due to geographic locations of your field?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you will be behind, sometimes you will be ahead.

In a few years, you will find some of those same friends facing divorces, stagnant careers, still in their starter condo, etc. and you will have moved on and up.

[Anonymous]

Haven't you started this same thread several times?

[Anonymous]

I've been way behind my peers since I was six years old. So it's really nothing new to me. Yesterday I spent an hour watching Youtube videos of Anderson Cooper having a girl I knew in middle and high school co-star/anchor/whatever it's called, three separate times.

I'm in my late 30's, have never had a boyfriend, have never gone to a Christmas or New Year's party, have been out of work since last January, my unemployment just ran out, I'm about 100 lbs overweight, and have about two friends. I leave my house once a week to hit the library and grocery store. I haven't gone out to eat since January. I haven't bought new clothes in three years. Last week I was invited to a birthday celebration for a relative where everyone was supposed to pay for themselves - I had four glasses of water.

OP, you'll always be doing worse than some, but better than others. It's no use comparing yourself.

[Anonymous]

My grandma always said "There are very few life long line leaders. Most of us are sometimes in the front, sometimes in the back and normally somewhere in the middle."

[Anonymous]

What the PP said. I'm a 29 year old woman with a great husband and a beautiful baby, but no degrees and no professional career (though I am working on it). I live in a beautiful part of the country but lack community. We all have things to be grateful for and we all have things to strive for.

It can be hard, but try, try, try not to compare yourself to others. Count your blessings and keep your head up - things will get better. Sending good vibes your way, OP.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, these replies have been encouraging. I'm trying to be productive and positive, and yes I think I am done with Facebook for now. One day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Life's trenches make you stronger. Everyone needs to weather a few storms. My DH and I both lost are jobs at the same time while I was pregnant with DC1. I found a waitressing job and made just enough to cover the mortgage. We started using credit cards for everything. We were still paying them off five years later. It took six months for DH to find something and 9 for me. At least you have parents to stay with. You are educated you will always have that.

[Anonymous]

Okay, since we are comparing - you can choose to read this one or not: "when I was your age" (seriously, but sadly)....I was laid off, new to the area, newly without car or housing for the first time ever, could barely afford the metro, had about $10 a week for food; and no friends or romantic prospects - as all of my friends turned around and headed for home and their long term romances. I had just broken up with the love of my life to begin a new life here, which didn't happen as I planned. Nowhere, nothing. Lonely and hungry. It sucked.

OP, NOTHING EVER turns out the way you plan. Ever. And that is okay. It is how you look at it, that makes it work for you or not. Seriously. If you had told me 30 years ago what I know now, I would have never believed you.

Things really do turn out for the better. But you have to reassess, and literally take it one day at a time. Believe me when I say: if you spend the days of your life looking at what others have, and what you do not - you will truly never, ever be happy. Ever. Know it. Live it.

If my kids know nothing else, they WILL know this all important fact. It will get them far.

Seriously, all you have to do is walk down the street or read this board, and you will know this.