Try to play peacemaker, or run and hide? Sisters battling!

[Anonymous]

I am the oldest of 4 sisters. I live in DC, while all my sisters live in our hometown, more than a day's drive from here. Our father lives in Florida, and has limited income and mobility. I'll call my sisters Sherry, Terry, and Carrie.

Carrie, the youngest, is on Disability, and so is her live-in boyfriend. He has kids, who stay with them part-time. Both of them have had hard times AND made foolish choices. They're barely scraping by.

Terry and her husband have a kid. He has another kid who lives out of state. I don't even think he has any formal visitation, and the other kid almost never visits. I think our dad has only met this child once. Terry works very hard and is ALWAYS on her high horse about it. She bitterly accuses Carrie of being too lazy to work.

Sherry and her husband have no kids together, but he has a kid who visits weekly. She isn't talking to Carrie because a few years ago she rented a house to Carrie and her boyfriend, and it went sour. I'm not totally clear on what happened, because I wasn't there, and they both start frothing and ranting when you ask about it. To me, it seems like there were misunderstandings and stubbornness on both sides.

FWIW, Carrie and I are generally more easygoing, while Terry and Sherry are more hot tempered. They are "besties" now, but ironically, they didn't speak to each other for a few years. Sherry went out of her way to help Terry with a big problem. Sherry expected Terry to fall over herself in gratitude for the help, but instead, Terry acted like an ungrateful snot.

Our dad is not healthy enough or wealthy enough to come visit. Every Christmas, he sends the grandkids gift cards. Yesterday, he sent us a group text saying that they were in the mail. I was in a meeting at the time, so I missed the "blowup." Carrie responded to Dad with a thank you, then for no reason, Terry attacked Carrie, asking why she was responding, when she (Carrie) doesn't have any kids? She continued, saying that she had a "real" stepkid who doesn't get a gift card, so why do Carrie's boyfriend's kids get them? She sniped about them not being married, and not having jobs.

Carrie sent swear word laden texts in reply. She got on Facebook and announced she was giving up on "certain people" and hoped they died!

Dad said it was his money, and his business who he sent it to, and asked them to stop arguing.

Sherry told them to show a little class and show Dad respect. She then started (privately) texting Carrie, reaming her out over the texts, the FB post, AND the old stuff about the rental house!

Now Carrie is "dead to" Sherry and Terry, and vice versa.

For Dad's sake, especially, I feel like I should try to mediate. I'm not in town, so that's one issue. More importantly, I (and others) have tried to make them see sense before, and it didn't work!

I hate to think the next time they're in the same room might be at our father's funeral! Is there anything I can do, here?

[Anonymous]

Tell them both to STFU for the sake of family peace. They are hurting your Dad's feelings.

[Anonymous]

They are scum. Be glad you are not. They will bring you down to their level. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

The PPs put it pretty bluntly, but sadly, OP, it doesn't sound like any of your sisters are ready to rise to the occasion and be the bigger person. I'd give them all time to cool off -- maybe suggest a moratorium on sister-to-sister texting? Hopefully with time they will all see the bigger picture, which is dad's generosity. Sorry you're dealing with this. I have 2 sisters myself and there's definitely a lot of drama with one of them.

[Anonymous]

I'd leave it alone unless they try to talk to you about it, in which case you can try your best to set a good example.

[Anonymous]

OP again-- My stepmom called last night and said my Dad was really frustrated and sad about the situation. She agrees with you, PP's-- there seems to be nothing to do but for us to act right and pray that my sisters come to their senses.

[Anonymous]

Send your dad a nice thank you card. Rise above the drama.

As for your sisters, try practicing a bemused distance when they try to ensnare you. "I can't believe you guys went there over something so small. Uh, Merry Xmas. Really."

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it for sure. My sisters are currently not speaking. I feel like I'm the sister, not the parent and that ship sailed long ago on things like manners and courtesy. If someone has not learned that no, your don't say whatever hurtful thing you are thinking because of jealousy, envy,moodiness etc, nothing I will say is going to change that. Eventually they will lose friends, lose jobs, have trouble in relationships until they learn how to regulate their emotions to an acceptable degree either on their own or with the help of a medical professional. Either they will decide to change, or they will continue to see it being everyone's fault but their own. In either case you can't change people that don't want to change.

So, I always emphasize when brought into these things that you can't change people, you can only control your response and how you react. I will say therapy can help you navigate for example how to respond when your emotionally volatile sister does XYZ. There is probably that response that doesn't enable the behavior and still makes you feel like you have kept boundaries while not pouring gas on a flame, but honestly I can't tell you what that response would be. I will tell the person that feels that they were "wronged" that they may never get an apology or change in behavior from sibling, they can only look to be at peace for themselves and get guidance on how to not let things impact their other relationships like being able to attend a family event with the volatile personality. If the person is religious, the answer may be to pray and reflect or work with someone in their church.

Probably everyone in the squabble feels "wronged" so some variation of the response above would work for everyone. Your sister that commented on the gift card probably felt "wronged" that dad was playing favorites and has some resentment that the otheir sister gets all these things/help but does little to help herself. Your other sister was actually verbally attacked in text and her response was to blow up the battleship, it didn't solve the problem and may have made thing worse. The dad may have actually been playing favorites/enabling the youngest and that is his choice, but when it causes sibling discontent/rivalry he has to reflect how he wants to handle things, maybe you don't send group emails unless you are making things equal but whatever his choice he has to own it and understand the consequences. I won't tell anyone this is what you did wrong or say I think this is why the other person said or did Xyz because I don't know, only the person that did the action knows and maybe it was a subconscious reason why. I just used my best guess above to show that everyone was probably wronged and wronged someone else. You can't fix the other person but can look inward at how to do things differently even if it is in your response to crazy and foolishness. If directly asked/complained to, you encourage people to look inward and at their response and what will bring them peace, either they will think about it and look inward or no longer complain to you because you won't blindly agree it's the other person's fault. Either way, win/win.

[Anonymous]

By all means pick a side!

[Anonymous]

There's no way you can mediate this - because the gift cards are just the spark. There's a lot of tinder and this fire is like those underground coal fires in West Virginia. You many not see it but it's right under your feet burning away. When some oxygen is introduced (gift cards or mediating sister), it will explode outward. You need to stay above ground and away from it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is my Dad's reasoning for who gets a gift card: Carrie has been "stepmother" to the boyfriend's kids for 4 years (in practice, if not in name), so they get gifted.

Terry's stepkid is the only one who doesn't get a giftcard because a) She won't even be in the same state for the holiday (so there's no way she'll feel slighted), and b) She and Dad don't have any relationship (he's at least spent some time with Carrie's boyfriend's kids).

[Anonymous]

Oh god - your sister drama makes my sisters look almost normal.

I typically either play Switzerland or tell someone they are being and idiot.

In the situation that mostly closely resembles this, I pulled oldest sister rank. I basically said we were going to do it a certain way and if they didn't like, they could shut up and stay the fuck home.

Just a little backstory: There was some squabbling over how much people would pay to go in on a house together for weekend celebration for my Dad's birthday. It was essentially a fight over $17. It was ridiculous. My stepmom, god love her, was hearing it from all sides and my Dad started to hear about it. The whole weekend was about celebrating my dad and having fun as a family -- so him hearing about any of it was a non-starter for me.

Basically, I told them I would cover the difference because they were so GD immature that they couldn't give an inch. I also told them that they would show up to the weekend with a damn smile on their faces because if my Dad's weekend was ruined, there would be serious repercussions.

Honestly, it was a lot of blustering on my end but it worked because I'm the one who doesn't lose her cool or get angry. There's really not a whole lot I can do to two grown women but sometime birth order just brings people into line.

If I were you, I'd just ask your Dad to move to DC and leave the morons in Florida.

[Anonymous]

I would take Carrie's side. She sounds like the calm one, and the one who might need some support from two meanies. I would remind Terrie and Sherrie that they are sisters and that it disrupts the whole family by ganging up on her. And that it's petty bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is my Dad's reasoning for who gets a gift card: Carrie has been "stepmother" to the boyfriend's kids for 4 years (in practice, if not in name), so they get gifted.

Terry's stepkid is the only one who doesn't get a giftcard because a) She won't even be in the same state for the holiday (so there's no way she'll feel slighted), and b) She and Dad don't have any relationship (he's at least spent some time with Carrie's boyfriend's kids).

Sounds like legitimate reasons to me. Terry sounds like she's taking out her anger on your dad on your sister, which is totally not cool.