Having a child who is not conventionally attractive (but still cute)

[Anonymous]

DH and I are very plain looking, and my two oldest children ended up gorgeous. I was smug and surprised and unfortunately put to much focus on aesthetics until DC was born and ended up having striking but not overtly attractive child. We've had comments made like, "Oh you two are so gorgeous, and your little sister has on a beautiful dress."

We want to eradicate any vocabulary that focuses on appearance. Would this make things worse or better?

And before you start harping about how terrible of a mother I am I do think all of my children are beautiful, I m talking about societal standards.

[Anonymous]

You can't eradicate other people's vocabulary. Deal.

[Anonymous]

While, as PP said, you cannot eradicate it from other's vocabulary you can moderate your own. Instead of saying you're so beautiful/handsome aim for praising things that your children do well (reading, sports, art, etc).

[Anonymous]

I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

[Anonymous]

Ditto you can tell all of your children they are beautiful. Most beauty as an adult comes from confidence...give them that, make them feel beautiful even if cruel kids say otherwise. But most of your compliments to all of them should not be about beauty. You don't need to change your wording, but your entire message. "I'm proud of you" and "you are working really hard" will take them further than "you are beautiful".

I remember overhearing my mother as I was working on something ( a puzzle or something maybe) say "she is so determined - she's been at that for hours but won't give up". I remember thinking "really?? ME?!! Determined??" - and it has affected me ever since. I now get told that by people over and over again - my mother believed I was determined, and so I believed I was, and became even more so. It was a simple, powerful moment, and affects how I parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

Ugh. I hate this notion that everyone is beautiful. We don't tell our children that everyone is athletic, everyone is good at art, everyone is good at math, or everyone is kind. So why the insistence that everyone is beautiful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

Ugh. I hate this notion that everyone is beautiful. We don't tell our children that everyone is athletic, everyone is good at art, everyone is good at math, or everyone is kind. So why the insistence that everyone is beautiful?

NP here. Because everyone IS beautiful to someone. My husband, my dad, and my son all think I'm beautiful. That's really all that matters. Why would I care what random person on the street thought about my looks?

[Anonymous]

OP, have you posted about this before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

Ugh. I hate this notion that everyone is beautiful. We don't tell our children that everyone is athletic, everyone is good at art, everyone is good at math, or everyone is kind. So why the insistence that everyone is beautiful?

Because if i suck at baseball, I don't play. If I suck at math, I become an English major. If someone tells me I'm ugly, then what? Hide my face? Don't go out anymore? Because they did tell me that, and I tried hiding for a while and trust me when I say it doesn't work and sets the stage for a pretty awful life unless you can get a handle on the confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ditto you can tell all of your children they are beautiful. Most beauty as an adult comes from confidence...give them that, make them feel beautiful even if cruel kids say otherwise. But most of your compliments to all of them should not be about beauty. You don't need to change your wording, but your entire message. "I'm proud of you" and "you are working really hard" will take them further than "you are beautiful".

I remember overhearing my mother as I was working on something ( a puzzle or something maybe) say "she is so determined - she's been at that for hours but won't give up". I remember thinking "really?? ME?!! Determined??" - and it has affected me ever since. I now get told that by people over and over again - my mother believed I was determined, and so I believed I was, and became even more so. It was a simple, powerful moment, and affects how I parent.

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

Ugh. I hate this notion that everyone is beautiful. We don't tell our children that everyone is athletic, everyone is good at art, everyone is good at math, or everyone is kind. So why the insistence that everyone is beautiful?

When you love someone, they ARE beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Getting back to the point...

I truly wish people would stop telling my daughter how beautiful she is. She is seven years old now and is more than her looks. While DH and I always try to steer the conversations to how strong or hard working DD is, the effect of the praise for her looks has damaged her. When she was four she told me that she only wanted to be friends with pretty girls like her. Yes, it was then that I realized that I was raising a "Mean Girl"! What people say -- even when they are trying to be nice and polite -- can be damaging to children! I do not want my daughter growing up with the depth of a mirror or thinking that she is nothing more than her appearance.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? I'm really curious what your daughter looks like now. Everyone is beautiful "in their own way". Kids go through stages where they might be an ugly duckling when they are younger, or go through that awkward teen phase where no one is good looking, and then when they finish growing into their faces, they are good looking or unique looking or interesting looking in a good way, even if not beautiful. Also, girls can enhance their looks with makeup or hairstyles. Plus youth and what they exude through their eyes or smiles makes people attractive. Take Chelsea Clinton for example. She turned out not half bad, but went through a long stage of not being typically attractive, but she found a man and now has a baby. If your daughter is "still cute", by your own admission, then I don't think you need to worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the point...

I truly wish people would stop telling my daughter how beautiful she is. She is seven years old now and is more than her looks. While DH and I always try to steer the conversations to how strong or hard working DD is, the effect of the praise for her looks has damaged her. When she was four she told me that she only wanted to be friends with pretty girls like her. Yes, it was then that I realized that I was raising a "Mean Girl"! What people say -- even when they are trying to be nice and polite -- can be damaging to children! I do not want my daughter growing up with the depth of a mirror or thinking that she is nothing more than her appearance.

Mine too. She is less "beautiful" now now that she has lost a bunch of baby teeth and the adult teeth look crooked and huge but she still get it and she knows it now. I try hard to point out her ohter attriburtes and wish others did as well