My kid's becoming a smart ass, and I think he learned it from his teacher

[Anonymous]

My 8 y/o DS is in the 3rd grade. He LOVES his teacher this year, a young guy who seems really great with the kids and someone that the young boys can really connect with. He co-teaches with the older female teacher next door and they have a very fun, bantering/teasing relationship. Sort of a mother/son vibe, if you will. I thought this was really nice and fun and all when I first encountered it. However, lately my son has been coming home and trying this style out on me and his dad (to some extent). He says things like "hey lady, get my socks" or "whatever, lady". When I ask him to do something, I get a sarcastic "not!" in return. Often with an eye-roll. We've addressed the behavior, and talked about what's appropriate, but after having witnessed some of this between the teachers, I'm wondering if he thinks it's cool because that's what his teacher does. He really looks up to this guy and he's a good teacher and my son is doing well. I don't want to create any waves at school, but I'm perplexed at how to address this with my kid if he sees adults talking this way and everyone thinks it's funny. We don't think disrespect is funny in our house and this kind of behavior is disrespect in my book. but I don't want to denigrate his teacher in my kid's eyes.

[Anonymous]

We've addressed the behavior, and talked about what's appropriate, but after having witnessed some of this between the teachers, I'm wondering if he thinks it's cool because that's what his teacher does. He really looks up to this guy and he's a good teacher and my son is doing well. I don't want to create any waves at school, but I'm perplexed at how to address this with my kid if he sees adults talking this way and everyone thinks it's funny. We don't think disrespect is funny in our house and this kind of behavior is disrespect in my book. but I don't want to denigrate his teacher in my kid's eyes

You don't have to mention the teacher at all to your son. Just reinforce that the behavior is not appropriate in your home. By 3rd grade your child should be old enough to understand that just because someone else does something doesn't mean it is acceptable for your family. You don't even know if the teacher is the reason he is acting this way.

[Anonymous]

My 9 yr old DS sometimes will try to talk to me like I'm his friend.. the "not", and eye-rolling. I tell my DS, I am not your friend, so don't talk to me like I am. I would also tell your DS that it's ok for peers to banter and talk that way to teach other (like teacher to teacher peer), but not child to adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9 yr old DS sometimes will try to talk to me like I'm his friend.. the "not", and eye-rolling. I tell my DS, I am not your friend, so don't talk to me like I am. I would also tell your DS that it's ok for peers to banter and talk that way to teach other (like teacher to teacher peer), but not child to adult.

OP-here. That's pretty much what we've said to him. He's lost privileges a couple of times because he kept pushing the envelope. I was just thinking he was getting this from other kids and expected that, but when I began to suspect that he might be picking it up from the teacher, I got a little more concerned about how we address it.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps ask him if he thinks his teacher would speak this way to his own mother? or grandmother?
Having different rules for school and home should not be too hard for an 8 year old to understand.

[Anonymous]

Don't blame others. Just address it with your son as inappropriate and discipline accordingly. Plenty of kids that age do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Different rules for different situations and different people.

In your family, speaking to adults that way is unacceptable.

It doesn't matter where or from whom he is learning the behavior; neither of you is in charge of what the rules are for anyone but him and he is the only one responsible for controlling his behavior.

Leave the teacher out of the discussion and focus entirely on what you expect from DS. Anything else gives him a chance to try to blame someone else for how he is acting which is not a good precedent to set.

If your DS brings up that his teacher talks this way, just point out that while X, Y, and Z are awesome qualities about his teacher that he should try to emulate, this particular manner of speaking is still not acceptable in your family. Different people do things differently, and even though you disagree with the teacher about this specific thing he is still a great teacher but your son must speak more respectfully than he does. Also, the teacher is an adult and the rules of interaction between two peers are very different from the rules of interaction between an adult and a child.

[Anonymous]

Why not just play along? It's just a phase.

[Anonymous]

My 9-year old son will joke like that with me sometimes---and he has an old male teacher.

I dish it back and we joke about it. He does not talk to other adults this way. Pleases/thank you'd and holds the door for women. He knows it's inappropriate elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9 yr old DS sometimes will try to talk to me like I'm his friend.. the "not", and eye-rolling. I tell my DS, I am not your friend, so don't talk to me like I am. I would also tell your DS that it's ok for peers to banter and talk that way to teach other (like teacher to teacher peer), but not child to adult.

OP-here. That's pretty much what we've said to him. He's lost privileges a couple of times because he kept pushing the envelope. I was just thinking he was getting this from other kids and expected that, but when I began to suspect that he might be picking it up from the teacher, I got a little more concerned about how we address it.

Why would you have to handle this in a different manner because he learned it by watching two peers communicate with each other. I don't get why you think this changes it. Like PP, I just tell mine that it might be ok to talk to your friends that way, but it's not ok to talk to your mom that way, so don't do it. Yes, it takes reminders and you might have to impose a consequence to make your point if your child is really pushing it. But, you aren't going to change the teachers.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a stretch to me to think the teacher is somehow responsible. The kid is probably just going through some phase of trying out his "big boy" talk/banter...feeling things out in the world. Take a chill pill and continue to model the behavior you want.

[Anonymous]

OP here-Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I have decided to leave the teacher out of it entirely, regardless of whether or not he's actually behaving this way in class. While I do wish the teacher would model better behavior, I know that, as my kid's parent, I have to set the boundaries no matter what he may be exposed to out in the world. Consequences are about to come his way, though. He was mad at me last night and instead of telling me why, he yelled at me and called me a "stupid old lady". That's not gonna fly, no matter what the reason. I had no clue what was up and he wouldn't tell me at the time. This morning he'd calmed down enough to tell me and it turns out I'd forgotten to do something I'd promised him I would and he remembered at bedtime and got mad/hurt about it. I was at fault for not following through on a promise, but that doesn't make it OK to behave like that.

[Anonymous]

That's definitely a tough one. But I think you're on the right track by sitting down and talking with him and letting him know that what's OK for adults is not always appropriate for kids. Perhaps you could also just say something general to the teacher about keeping an eye on your son saying anything disrespectful and to let you know if he notices anything. This may be a subtle way of helping the teacher be more mindful of his own behavior without you calling him our directly. Of course, in the end, if you're really concerned about this, you definitely have the right to address it with the school. I know that's not fun, but sometimes necessary. But, hopefully, your son will start letting some of the behaviors/habits go soon.

#girlluvs2garden#

[Anonymous]

Have you seen how the two teachers interact in front of the kids? Does he actually call her "lady"? I find that oddly disrespectful between colleagues and for a male teacher to do that shows male students that it's ok to talk to women that way and that it's cool bc a cool guy is doing it. Your mentions of "whatever" or "not!" Aren't that odd -- that's typical 3rd grade behavior but that fact that he calls you lady/old lady is often is odd.

[Anonymous]

No one has said "not!" Since about 1992.