Aging mom getting crotchety-anyone relate?
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Anonymous
She's living independently without major issues and she still has friends and social life, but lawd she's getting more crotchety. She has always been moody, but she used to be more careful with how she spoke to other adults and us once we became adults. These days, if you catch her at the wrong time, she will get indignant about something relatively minor and then chastise the person like she/he is a rude child or teenager, even if the person is her peer. She interrupts all the time. When she talks, you can't get a word in edgewise and if you dare interrupt you get a tongue lashing if she's in a "mood." It's bad enough she does this to her adult children, but one of her neighbors complained to me the other day about a tongue lashing she got for something minor. and I apologized profusely, said she was under a lot of stress (sort of true), aging, etc and I told her not to take any of it personally. I also gave her my email to let me know if she gets concerned about something my mom says or does. She seemed relieved because she felt like my mom hated her  . I too have to remind myself not to take any of it personally.
Anyone else dealing with this? Any tips? I try to use a calm voice, but have to watch that too because if I use the wrong tone she accuses me of talking to her like she's a child. I do everything possible to avoid talking politics because that will set her off into a crotchety fit EVERY time and don't you dare disagree with her. (Her political rants are sort of funny sometimes I have to admit.) |
Anonymous
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She may be just losing her filter. Or it could be depression manifesting as hostility.
Is she eating adequately? A lot of older people living alone let cooking and regular meals slip, and that negatively impacts their mood. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for the response. Yes, I do think she is losing her filter! She seems to be eating adequately, but I do think mild depression may be part of it. She obsesses more than she used to about things that annoy and/or offend her despite the fact she has distractions to keep her busy. Oh and she doesn't talk to what she calls "shrinky dinks" because she says they are more crazy than anyone else and she cites examples of the ones she has known-parents of kids I went to school with, etc. She thinks depression meds are for the weak and will just interact with all the meds she has to take for other issues. The drug interaction thing is a real and valid concern because she has had issues before with non-psychotropic meds. The med books might not say certain drugs interact, but she gets a reaction and then the doctor takes her off one and she's fine. She also cites examples of...Thelma seemed healthy and then they added a depression med and a blah blah med and her health went down hill fast till she died. |
Anonymous
| I thought they were all supposed to get like that! |
Anonymous
| How old is she? In my mother's family, the women tend to get this as they progress towards dementia around age 80 or so. First sign was them losing control of their emotions/losing their filters. I am dreading the thought of it happening to my mom as it did to my grandmother and great grandmother. |
Anonymous
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"She also cites examples of...Thelma seemed healthy and then they added a depression med and a blah blah med and her health went down hill fast till she died."
Hope your mother goes downhill faster than Thelma... |
Anonymous
| But, but, but....I'm a menopausal mom of teens! I thought that this was MY time to get crotchety. |
Anonymous
| How is her sleep? Insomnia is common in older people, and can definitely cause one to become a huge crankypants. |
Anonymous
I hadn't thought of that, but actually her sleep is not as good these days. She wakes up a lot during the night. That would make me cranky too. To the menopause poster...LOL. Luckily I have 8-10 years before menopause if family history matters, but if I get really cranky we're going to have some arguments! Then again...peri-menopause comes sooner so let's hope I am fine. I'm the one who lives closest to her so it's easiest if I just check on her....and can keep a sense of humor! I see some things happen with aging (not as quick on her feet, more aches and pains, decreased memory) and I feel so sad for her and wonder what that must feel like, but then she has a tirade over something and I'm like...OK, done listening...time to go home! |
Anonymous
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It's hard for everyone... caring for an aging parent is very hard. I'm sure I would be quite cranky too if I had aches and pains, bad sleep, and knew it was all downhill from here. Aging is just really hard.
Maybe you could take her out for a nice meal, and if that puts her in a better mood, ask her very sincerely what things would make it easier for her. Does she want to see someone about her aches and pains or sleep issues? More help around the house? Maybe you could hire someone to drop by twice a week to help with "housework" but the real purpose is letting your mom vent? Try to address the actual underlying problems. Good luck to you, OP. Doing right by parents can be a really long, tough road sometimes. |
Anonymous
| The filter deteriorates. It's age related. It's neurological. |
Anonymous
| One of my 70 year old co-workers (male) is moving into this phase. I try to ignore it. For a 70 year old, he really is doing pretty well and he served our work well for a long time. But it is hard. He stops useful work by interupting and giving long harrangs about obvious stuff. |
Anonymous
| I suggest you find out if she is getting enough sleep. Probably she isn't; maybe she wakes in the middle of the night, maybe even repeatedly. To solve that problem she will need to exercise or take melatonin which is not a drug, it just augments the melatonin our bodies produce to coordinate sleep with light levels. |
Anonymous
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Ugh. I'm crotchety and I'm only 34! Sorry, OP. My mother is not crotchety but is super annoying anyway. |
Anonymous
| Read up on the frontal cortex and dementia, OP. You should be aware of what to watch for. |