If you wanted 3 kids...

[Anonymous]

This topic has been addressed a million times in the general forum, but I'm hoping that parents with older kids will have some insight. Once you're past the diapering/high intensity parenting phase, what are your thoughts on 2 vs 3 kids?

If you stopped at two but had considered 3 - do you regret it? Or do you grow happier with your decision to have two?

We are 100% on the fence, and there are a million pros and cons that I won't go through. I really just want to know your feelings are once you're past the point of going back.

TIA

[Anonymous]

Mom of 2 and that's definitely it for us at this point. I'll turn 50 this year, so have given up the idea of more kids. (Although I'm starting to fantasize about grandchildren (usually when my teen-ager is driving me crazy -- can't wait to see him with his own kids, ha!)

But I was in your place not so long ago. We hoped to have 3 kids -- even considered having 4, but we started late and had secondary infertility issues, so it wasn't in the cards for us. On balance, I do wish we had been able to have a third child. DH is from a big family and I have 2 sibs, so maybe we just want what we're familiar with from our own families of origin. Also, I see how much my kids enjoy each other and think they'd love to have another sibling. On the other hand, I appreciate the time I get to spend with each of my kids one-on-one, and I know this would be harder to do if we had another child. And, of course, DH and I would have less time as a couple, I would have less time to pursue my own interests, be with friends, etc. Still, I wish it had turned out another way.

HTH. Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

PP here -- one more thought -- our kids love to be with their cousins, and it just occurred to me that I might pine less for another child if any of my husband's or my sibs lived in the area, so that my kids could be with their cousins more often. And, of course, it also occurs to me that my grandchildren would probably have more cousins themselves if we had a 3rd child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, PP, for your thoughtful answers. I do think that the one-on-one time with each child would suffer, in addition to couple time. You really addressed all my fears (that and college costs...). But the plusses that you mention would be there as well.

I'm just starting to get a full night's sleep, so it feels like I"d be torturing myself to do it all over again. But long term, the baby phase is short....

Others' experiences/thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I have three and I don't regret anything about it. But there is a price to pay. I was planning to go back to work when I got pregnant, and now, five years later, it's too late for me, plus we're in the midst of a major recession, so I may never go back to work, at least not at my former level.

The older kids love having a younger sibling. I did not feel our family was complete with only two kids. I'd have #4, but I'm too old now, and I do not want to go through that pregnancy/breastfeeding/sleepless baby business all over again.

Our lives are all better because we had #3. If you long for #3 and have the resources for it, do it. We had enough money for a FT nanny for a year after #3 was born, so that helped a lot. We had no money for a nanny for the first two, and I was exhausted most of the time.

[Anonymous]

I love the relationships among my children and the feel of the house when it's full. There's a columnist, Margaret Kelly, who writes the Family Almanac in the Washington Post where she gives parenting advice. A while ago she said something like this: "it used to be there were many children in one family and a child was expected to do chores, take on responsibilities in the home and care for other family members. Now many families have 2 or 1 child and the child is expected to excell in every subject and hobby while having no responsibilities in the home and in the family." I agree with this and like the family culture that having more than 2 kids demands. It also demands that I improve my parenting and home management skills. But that can be done.

[Anonymous]

We have two children, a 3 year old daughter and a 9 month old son. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We're getting sleep again, almost past the cold/flu season, and I'm gearing up to go back to work.

That said, I don't think we're done. We have very little family nearby, no same-age cousins for our children, and in my gut, I feel that two children is somehow lonely.

But if we were to have another, that means: bigger house, my work plans may fly out the window, any travel plans will be deferred, child-rearing costs go up, and we'd be back in baby-mode again, which both of us are over. Life would be easy if we stopped at two. But that's not a good reason.

[Anonymous]

It is a good reason, PP, if it fits with your DH and you.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand your fence-sitting. I feel that way myself about 3 vs. 4. Three feels complete to me in a way that two never would have. I'd love to be able to do four, but I think it would kill me - I'm only finally beginning to see the end of the tunnel and I don't think I can head back into the darkness one more time. That makes me a little sad.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of those who believes that "two to three" is a much more significant "jump" than "one to two" (and perhaps even more of an adjustment than "three to four?"). Among many things about having three children that I love, I treasure the "fullness of family" feeling that it provides. But the costs in time, energy, patience, money, career, etc. are significant. Ever since we left that "one to one" ratio, it seems that we are always struggling with some kind of "imbalance" (not able to give enough individual attention, the challenges of three-some, "odd man out" interactions and middle child dynamics, trying to find family activities that fit everyone, finding time for your marriage, etc.). My youngest is approaching four, however, and to your original question, I do feel that the challenges are lessening. And just writing this post makes my heart swell with the thought of my family and the deep affection that I have for each one.

When I was considering two versus three, I asked myself, deep down, what was I hoping to hear? Did I secretly hope someone would help talk me out of the idea or that someone would encourage me to "go for it?" Answering that question -- over a period of time (to avoid the day-to-day fluctuations between "baby fever" versus "night feedings again panic") -- was one thing that helped me to get to my true feelings.

Wow, I might have broken the record for irritating overuse of " " and ( ) in one post.