Do your kids hang out at houses where you don't know (or don't feel comfortable w/) the parents?

[Anonymous]

I have a 10yo as well as younger kids, and I don't feel confident about how to handle older kid get-togethers. My son has a friend of several years whose parents are divorced; the kids have played together at the mom's house but we don't really know the dad and the few times I've met him, I just get a very creepy vibe. The mom emailed to set up a time for the kids to hang out, we agreed on a day and then she passed it off to the dad who proposed taking both kids to a relative's house for the day in another town.

I just don't feel comfortable with this (and my husband says absolutely no) but I wonder if we're being helicopter parents. We don't socialize tons and sometimes I think we're just not normal about these things. OTOH, 10yos are the perfect age to engage in a lot of stupid, reckless behavior on the internet or otherwise...

Please don't flame me either way.

[Anonymous]

I don't let DD go to her friends' houses if the parents aren't people I trust. Invite the kid to your house for a playdate or better yet, suggest they meet at a park, the movies, or a community event.

As for as the playdate at the relative's house (which is a ridiculous idea), just tell the parents the plan won't work for you and suggest an alternative or just cancel. Your primary job as a parent is to keep your kid safe and if you get a creepy vibe from this guy you should not let your kid be alone with him.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are helicoptering at all. I would not be ok with that plan. Always trust your gut.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut. 10 is still young. And it's not like you're depriving him of some fantastic growth experience. You don't like the dad + it's in another town at a house where you don't know the people = no, thanks.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pretty laid back parent but iI wouldn't be okay with this. Don't second guess yourself. As the PP noted, it's not ike you're deprivign your DS of some tremendous opportunity. It's a playdate.

[Anonymous]

I would probably be ok with this. If I trust the mom enough to let my kids go to her house I think I would trust her enough not to put my kid in harms way. By age 10. Most people are not hovering (no pun intended, just can't think of another word) over the kids when they get together.

But you do bring up a difficult parenting issue. Once my kids hit MS, I barely knew any parents. I always have a house full of kids and my kids are always going to other houses where I don't really know the parents. I have to rely on them to call me if there is a problem, which makes me happy for cellphones.

[Anonymous]

I'm not so comfortable with this either. We have a 15 yo daughter and I might be uncomfortable with this even at her age (although I'd probably let my 15 yo go). Not at age 10 though.

[Anonymous]

No. My oldest daughter asked to sleep over at a friend's house and we said no because the dad is super creepy. However, we allow her to go to the park or walk to school with the friend and her mother. I always stay for play dates that are in their house.

My younger daughter has a friend with an emotionally unstable mother. She is not allowed to have play dates in their home and is definitely not allowed to sleep over. We do let her have play dates when the friend is at her dad/stepmom's house. We also take the friend along with us to the park or other outings.

In both cases, we have met and hung out with both sets of parents more than a few times. Trust your gut, OP.

[Anonymous]

The way I handle it is having a list of acceptable houses to visit instead of having a list of unacceptable houses to visit.

My kids can go to the jones, smiths, Johnson's and Roberts.

The Roberts get a divorce and mrs Roberts is on the list mr Roberts is not.

Once they hit HS though they have to go to houses of parents you have never met and then it is up to them to be responsible, know how to exit bad situations, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. My oldest daughter asked to sleep over at a friend's house and we said no because the dad is super creepy. However, we allow her to go to the park or walk to school with the friend and her mother. I always stay for play dates that are in their house.

My younger daughter has a friend with an emotionally unstable mother. She is not allowed to have play dates in their home and is definitely not allowed to sleep over. We do let her have play dates when the friend is at her dad/stepmom's house. We also take the friend along with us to the park or other outings.

In both cases, we have met and hung out with both sets of parents more than a few times. Trust your gut, OP.

Are you a therapist or licensed professional in the area of psychiatry? Or a former victim?

[Anonymous]

Nope. Would not allow this. We have friends who got divorced and our child may visit their child when at one parent's house, but not the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way I handle it is having a list of acceptable houses to visit instead of having a list of unacceptable houses to visit.

My kids can go to the jones, smiths, Johnson's and Roberts.

The Roberts get a divorce and mrs Roberts is on the list mr Roberts is not.

What if Mrs Roberts has a boyfriend there, whom you haven't met?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Would not allow this. We have friends who got divorced and our child may visit their child when at one parent's house, but not the other.

What is the reason you give that friend for your child not being allowed to go to the one parent's house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. My oldest daughter asked to sleep over at a friend's house and we said no because the dad is super creepy. However, we allow her to go to the park or walk to school with the friend and her mother. I always stay for play dates that are in their house.

My younger daughter has a friend with an emotionally unstable mother. She is not allowed to have play dates in their home and is definitely not allowed to sleep over. We do let her have play dates when the friend is at her dad/stepmom's house. We also take the friend along with us to the park or other outings.

In both cases, we have met and hung out with both sets of parents more than a few times. Trust your gut, OP.

Are you a therapist or licensed professional in the area of psychiatry? Or a former victim?

NP, to me PP just sounds wise and careful. Not helicopter, not overly-worried. Just trusting one's gut, which is really, really important. Way too often parents aren't paying attention or feel bad about the gut feelings they have of distrust or creepiness and then regret it later when it turns out their gut was right. Why take that chance, when you can still allow your kids a robust social life and lots of opportunities to connect with friends, while not allowing them at people's houses who make you ill at ease. No therapist experience or victim status required, it is good common sense.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is like the number one way that kids come to harm. Going over a house and some random person who you don't know is visiting and interferes with your child. Sorry divorced parents, but I won't let my kids hang around your exs friends and extended randoms that could potentially be around in a broken home.