PACE - overrated?

[Anonymous]

So I have a lot of friends who are expecting babies and several have asked me about my experience with PACE. I know a lot of people on this board are big fans, but I feel like I have to point out the rather exorbitant cost of $250, which a lot of my friends just can't afford. Did anyone else feel like they were paying money to sit in a room with a bunch of moms, when a group could have been organized through this board or another forum for free? Did anyone else feel like the main thing they had in common with the other people was just having had a baby around the same time -- which, when you think about it, is really not that much to bind you to an otherwise random group of people? And did anyone else feel like either the cost or the fact that they like to advertise via word of mouth made it a very homogenous group of women?

I want to be fair, because in retrospect it's clear that I had post-partum depression at the time that I did PACE and I'm sure it colored my experience somewhat. But on the other hand, if you pay $250 to join a group that is moderated by a social worker, shouldn't a common issue like post-partum depression be diagnosed and dealt with sometime during the group experience? I'd be curious to hear from others, since when you do a search for PACE you see a lot of , "It's great!" and "I loved it!" without a lot of explanation. It would be interesting to hear from those who had both bad and good experiences, and maybe I can point my friends to this discussion to help them make their decision.

[Anonymous]

I also had PPD while going through PACE but it was great for me. My leaders did talk about it (one had it pretty bad with her first baby) so it wasn't a taboo subject. Now, I didn't tell my group that I was having it (I ended up doing therapy and PPD groups for that) but I could have if I would have been in a better frame of mind.

I liked PACE because for me, it got me out of the house and gave me a forum to talk about my child's sleep issues, in-law issues, feeding, etc. I have lots of friends who are newish moms and I talked to them about this stuff too. But it's nice to have a place where you don't feel...I don't know, bad or silly for only talking about your baby. And since the babies were all the same age, our group was able to compare stories and give tips to each other. Plus, the leaders gave us some great tips and resources for a variety of issues.

Finally, my group still keeps in touch and goes out for dinner occasionally and has a "playgroup" once a month. All very casual and laid back.

I do understand your problem with it though (particularly the cost and homogenous group aspect).

[Anonymous]

I did it, and we also discussed PPD - although I don't think the group was intended for diagnosis (are social workers even qualified to make such a diagnosis)? Anyway, I agree with your assessment that it's a group that could essentially be organized for free, but the truth of the matter for me was that I didn't know that many other new moms in my area, and I certainly didn't know ones with LOs within a couple months of mine. So for that, and providing a set time and meeting place for several weeks in a row, I didn't mind paying the $250. But if money were tight, I'd be the first to say that I would have survived fine without it.

[Anonymous]

I didn't mind paying the money, because finances weren't tight, and I think that the fact that we all had paid the money meant we were more committed to the group and more likely to show up each week.

We did discuss depression and PPD in our group.

I do think all the moms in PACE were basically from the same economic group -- we were all college educated, most with masters degrees + and professional jobs, married to men who were the same. If people are looking for economic diversity in a moms' support group, I don't think PACE is going to provide that -- a better bet might be a new-mom/baby class offered for free at the hospital or a local community center.

The main thing all us moms had in common, besides having babies within 3 months of each other, was that we didn't already have a group to hang out with and talk babies with. Also, few of us had family nearby. We because each others' support system, which was great.

After the initial 8 weeks or however long it was, we continued meeting for a good two years! (almost all of us were SAHM for about two or three years) People moved away, had second babies, started sending kids to preschool, and joined local playgrounds which seemed to fill the need for companionship and discussion.

I will say that our group just happened to be a really nice, warm, friendly, down-to-earth group of moms. I was very glad I joined, and thought the money was well worth it, although if they hadn't been so nice, maybe I would feel less good about it.

[Anonymous]

I did PACE and got a lot out of the experience. At the same time I did PACE, I also went to a weekly (free) neighborhood playgroup. While both were wonderful for companionship during the ‘dark days’ of figuring out how to be a new mom, I think I got a lot more out of the PACE group, mainly because it was structured and the leaders’ really encouraged everyone to speak freely and promoted an environment of ‘no judgment/nothing leaves this room.’ I did not feel self-conscious if I had a really bad day/week, and had a bit of a breakdown at the PACE meeting, because after all, that was the part of the point of the group. Since the babies are born w/in days/weeks of one another, you are going through the trenches at the same time as everyone else. It was also really helpful from an advice perspective – they do go into things like PPD, safety, etc., that you generally don’t talk about in a neighborhood playgroup session. There was also a lot of empathy, support and experience from the leaders. My PACE group still gets together regularly and I found it to be no more or less homogenous than other playgroups I've attended.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I had a wonderful experience with my PACE group and think it was well worth the $250.

Our group leaders added a lot of value, in part by setting a tone of openness, trust and respect. That may sound like a big, fat cliche, but my experience is that it's not the easiest thing to achieve -- especially with 10 new moms who are a mix of exhausted, hormonal, and unsure of themselves in their new role. Sure, moms can self-organize for free through this board or elsewhere. But to me it was very valuable to have more experienced moms (a social worker and a psychologist) moderate the conversations in a way that was always constructive and positive. I was in a vulnerable place when we started (DD was 7 weeks old), and I would have been MISERABLE had I felt judged in any way. But it was quite the opposite experience -- I felt embraced and also benefitted so much from embracing back.

In terms of content, we did discuss post-partum depression quite a bit, both in a direct way when that was on the discussion agenda and many times in a less formal way as our feelings came up on other topics. I felt like the PACE conversations de-mystified the topic and people were VERY open about sharing what they were feeling and how they were coping with it. We even talked about pre-pregnancy depression, therapy and medication and how to juggle all that with being a new mom. It was all really helpful.

If your friend is interested, there were lots of other great conversations about the joys and highs of each new change/milestone (without worrying that we were being boring or competitive), our insecurities and fears as new moms, our concerns/guilt/anticipation about going back to work (for those who were), our transitions and at times resentments and resolutions with our husbands as we figured out how to make things work, and even our evolving relationships with other family members and friends. For me, the size of the group made a huge difference. If we had been four people, I would have felt more on the spot. But with a larger group, I enjoyed the flexibility. Some days I shared a lot and other days I pretty much just listened because I was too tired or just plain not in the mood to hold up my end of a conversation. And it was all OK!

Finally, I also happened to LOVE the women in my group. These things are a bit of a crap shoot -- you obviously can't predict the makeup of any particular group. But many in mine were women I absolutely would have chosen as friends in another context. Others may not have been quite that natural of a fit at first, but the conversations were always comfortable and our friendships have grown deeper over time. We still try to get together once a month, which I love!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it, and we also discussed PPD - although I don't think the group was intended for diagnosis (are social workers even qualified to make such a diagnosis)?

Yes, licensed clinical social workers are qualified to make such a diagnosis but not normally done in a group setting.

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP that I found PACE overrated. I mean, it was fine, but I agree that I didn't need to pay the fee to be with other moms with whom I didn't have much in common. Also, our leader was not very good and I would say I got zero helpful information from her, so the main draw was being with the other moms, which could have been done for free. I'm not necessarily sorry that I did it, but I wouldn't enthusiastically recommend it either.

[Anonymous]

I agree that if money is tight, this is definitely one thing that new moms can cross off their list. Too many other necessary expenditures to be spending $250 on a playgroup. That being said, I did get a lot out of PACE. It's hard to find playgroups where everyone is a first-time mom and everyone has a baby under 6 months. The playgroups in my neighborhood usually include second and third time moms and the activities often revolve around toddlers rather than newborns (since there aren't all that many activities newborns are interested in). So I did find it nice to meet a large group of women going through the same stuff I was at the same time. Even though it seemed sort of PC at first, I liked the emphasis on "no judgment of other people's parenting approaches." It really made me more accepting of others' choices and that's a principle that I continued to recall long after I finished PACE. Bottom line, if you can afford it easily, great. If not, you'll be fine without it.

[Anonymous]

I didn't join PACE after having my first baby, but I did attend the "free" (or there may have been a small fee per session) new mom's group at Alexandria Hospital and really enjoyed it. The leader was a nurse and mom herself so we received very helpful information and the group was fairly large that most women seem to find at least 1 or 2 others that they had a lot in common with. I didn't deliver at that hospital, but it was closer to our house.

You're friends may want to try a hospital program first and if they like it, great, if not they can look into other options like PACE. A lot of women started coming to the hospital group after just 1 week.

[Anonymous]

I did a mother's group at Holy Cross Hospital in Silver Spring. We met once a week for 6 weeks and talked amongst ourselves and with two facilitators. It was great, and I'm still close with these women and "babies" over 4 years later. The course is called something like "And Life Goes On," and it only costs about $25.

[Anonymous]

Our group leaders talked about PPD all the time. They handed out cards and they're personal email addresses. They encouraged us to contact them outside of the group if there was anything we didn't feel comfortable talking about in front of other people.

I felt very locked in my house and lonely during my maternity leave. PACE was a big help for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't join PACE after having my first baby, but I did attend the "free" (or there may have been a small fee per session) new mom's group at Alexandria Hospital and really enjoyed it. The leader was a nurse and mom herself so we received very helpful information and the group was fairly large that most women seem to find at least 1 or 2 others that they had a lot in common with. I didn't deliver at that hospital, but it was closer to our house.

You're friends may want to try a hospital program first and if they like it, great, if not they can look into other options like PACE. A lot of women started coming to the hospital group after just 1 week.

Same boat.

The pediatrician office actually had a New Moms' Group that met so I did that for 6 months. It was free, close by, and the moderator was an LC/nurse.

Most hospitals offer PACE-like things at a much cheaper cost or free. You just have to look for them.

OP - you'll find that in a lot of "group" settings like PACE, moms' groups, playdates, etc. that sometimes the only thing you have in common with the other moms is that you're both moms. But, some people do find a great connection. It really depends.
You'll find your niche, hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I thought PACE was overrated as well. I got absolutely nothing out of the topics and my group stopped meeting about 2 times after our classes ended. Waste of money for me.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks for all the replies. It seems as if the PACE group leader has a lot to do with the experience, as well as the group itself. I had a near breakdown once during the session about how hard this had been not just for me personally but for my marriage, and when she asked the other moms if they were experiencing the same thing, another mom went off on a tangent about how great her husband and motherhood experience was -- and off we went. She never checked in with me later and neither did any of the other moms. It was so isolating. It's probably just luck of the draw, but I would feel better about my unfortunate luck of the draw if it hadn't been expensive to boot.