Husband being emotionally abused by wife

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. I'm a registered contributor but am posting this anonymously because I need help and don't want to take risks.

I'm in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship. My wife constantly puts me down, points out faults, makes passive aggressive statements and in general puts me through an emotional roller coaster. I try every day to start anew. I'm loving, tell her I love her and do anything she asks of me.

For background, this is a second marriage for both. I'm raising her children (my step-children) as our own. They call me Dad and I'm very supportive. I have children from the previous marriage but, due to my wife's emotional abuse I am effectively cut off from them.

Her behavior and abuse has been a source of great embarrassment personally and professionally. My work is suffering due to my emotional state and her demand I be home at certain times, interrupt the work day for things etc....

I'm very extroverted and very loving. I am really sad that this has come to this. Of course there are things I could do better but in all honesty I think I'm in the top 10% of supportive husbands.

The things keeping me from walking out are worry for her and the children's future financial welfare and fear that she'll destroy the few personal items I have. Plus I have a standard high powered DC career and don't want any further embarrassment.

I've told her that her behavior is unacceptable on several occasions but it always turns into an argument with her insisting that it's me blaming problems on her.

Help.

Abused Man to be named later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For background, this is a second marriage for both. I'm raising her children (my step-children) as our own. They call me Dad and I'm very supportive. I have children from the previous marriage but, due to my wife's emotional abuse I am effectively cut off from them.

You abandoned your kids from a previous marriage, and are blaming your current wife?

I'm sorry your wife is abusive, and you have to set clear boundaries with her, stick by them, and insist on marital counseling if that doesn't work.

But you also need to take responsibility for what you've done. She didn't make you abandon your previous kids. You made that choice. And if you have a pattern of not taking responsibility for your own poor decisions, that is probably something you want to address in individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

1-800-799-SAFE

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

You need to get out. You're avoiding getting out because you're worried about her children's welfare, yet your own biological children are neglected by not having an involved father.

She is not going to change. The only thing you can change is your own circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Therapy to learn how to disengage and de-escalate conflict. I'd start there and see if it helps enough. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thank you and yes no doubt I need individual therapy. And more opportunity to care for my other children.

[Anonymous]

Definitely seek therapy. Ideally you should see one for yourself and one as a couple.

I don't know whether you are contributing to the dysfunction or whether you just married and made the same mistake twice. Either way, work on yourself and see if that helps. If not, my advice would be to consider leaving but maintain your relationship with the children.

[Anonymous]

Was your first wife also abusive? I would start with individual therapy to figure this out. Generally abusers are able to manipulate the counselor to think this is a two-person problem but really you sound like an abuse victim.

[Anonymous]

Yes my first wife was abusive. I've made terrible decisions but don't want to hurt anyone.

My wife did counseling with her first husband and I'm confident that she manipulated the system. I had all the information to make that determination before we were married but ignored it. I was too caught up in being in love and too immature.

So I don't think couples therapy is for us. Everything I have read in abuse indicates that the abuser rarely changes.

But no doubt I need help to avoid making the same mistake again and in order to be a better father now and long term .

[Anonymous]

You chose to abandon your children and you choose to be abused. Grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

Op, look into borderline personality disorder and see if the description of it fits your wife at all. People with it can be very manipulative and abusive.

Definitely get therapy for yourself to figure out how you got here and how to set up boundaries with your wife. If things in the relationship don't change, get out of there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. Call the National Domestic Violence hotline (emotional/psychological/manipulative abuse is still abuse). And yes, individual therapy to break the pattern.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMEN. I hope you can remain a positive influence for her and your kids, but don't have children with her.

And please disregard the person who assumed you abandoned your children. They have clearly never had someone abusive in their life.

I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You chose to abandon your children and you choose to be abused. Grow a pair.

This isn't fair. Abused women do this all the time and get a pass because they are in a very dysfunctional place. Abuse takes power away. When he gets healthy and-or gets away from this woman, he will be able to reconnect with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the ideas. They help so much.

Any thoughts on what to say to friends, family and colleagues when I do leave ?

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the ideas. They help so much.

Any thoughts on what to say to friends, family and colleagues when I do leave ?

OP

"In order to be the best dad I can be to my children, both biological and step, I need to be separated from Suzie. I appreciate your love and support through this difficult time."