DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
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Anonymous
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I don't know how else to describe it, but my DH won't do anything unless I remind him to hundreds of times. We are in our early 30s so it is not an age issue. He just always overextends himself so I'm forced to keep track of everything he has going on in his life- his work schedules, our social schedule, things he is supposed to do around the house, promises that he's made to other people. Literally every evening and every morning I have to ask him what he has planned for the day and then spend the rest of the day reminding him not to forget to do certain things.
For example, tonight he'll tell me that he has to work (he doesn't work a traditional schedule), go to a doctor's appointment, pick up his dry cleaning, and give someone a ride to the airport. This means that all day tomorrow, I'll have to remind him to complete each task or something won't get done. This gets super annoying when it relates to a task he has to complete at home because if I don't remind him, then it doesn't get done. It's a pain for me to have to manage my life, his, and our infant's. Anyone else have to deal with something similar? |
Anonymous
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How did he survive before you came along?
Seriously. |
Anonymous
He might have ADD. You are probably a godsend. Be happy you make a practical difference in his life. |
Anonymous
| Can he set up a series of reminders on his phone to do things? And you can remind him solely about the things you care about (e.g., some sort of doctor's appointment for the infant, etc.)? |
Anonymous
I have no clue!!! I don't remember it being like this when we were dating. Granted, I know life has become busier for him since we got married, but it has for me as well and now I'm being forced to keep track of everything for everyone! |
Anonymous
What a positive way to look at it... Thank you. |
Anonymous
| Get him a smart phone with calendar access and set reminders. Simple. (or better yet, he do it). |
Anonymous
He puts his work schedule and doctors appointments in his phone, but forgets unless I ask/remind him to check it each day. I should probably tell him to include a reminder alarm. For errands he does not put it in his phone and those are the things that he forgets about the most. |
Anonymous
| Sit with him, like you would a school age or middle school child, and go over the schedule and have him program his phone with alarms. He obviously has organizational problems. By sitting with him initially you can train him in the thinking/doing process and hopefully eventually you can just remind him of one thing--to sit down in the evening and plan the next day on his phone. If he is able to tell you all the shit he needs to do then he can tell himself in his 5 minute sitting and programming the phone session. Hmm. I should do this myself with my DH! I definitely have to tell him to do household things over and over. Sometimes I try to get him to do it right away so he won't forget and sometimes he won't. Some people are just very disorganized, ADDish, executive functioning impaired, any and all of the above. |
Anonymous
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Sure he might have ADD, but if he was living independently, keeping a job and functioning before you came along then I call a little bit of bullshit. There is some degree of learned helplessness laying waste to your relationship at the moment.
Start making him responsible for himself. Teach him how if you must (or better yet, hire an organizational consultant and let them do it) because I swear, I absolutely swear, you won't have time to micro-manage him if you all decide to have children. What you do for your DH is about what I do for my 4th grader. You are both risking your relationship becoming more of a parent/child dynamic and it's hard to feel romantic when that dynamic takes over. |
Anonymous
| Previous PP here. Plus he is putting you in the position of being the bossy nag. Speaking from experience. I agree with the PP. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Ok OP, let's imagine your example above is literal. Let's also imagine you didn't remind him; what would happen? I assume he remembers to go to work, has a calendar to check for appointments (digital with reminders is helpful as is a visual calendar somewhere he spends time in the mornings) so he will see the doctor. Maybe then he gets distracted and goes to the bookstore rather than remembering the dry cleaning? Or what would happen, he'd come home maybe? And then later get a call from his friend wondering where he is and he'll belatedly head to the airport. No one dies or even gets hurt, no one loses their job or any money, why exactly do you have to babysit his schedule? And when it comes to household jobs just sit down and set times for things. My DH has bathroom cleaning duty at 8pm every Sunday night so I never need to ask or remind him to clean, it's a part of our routine. Start building some at home, especially with an infant, so you're working like an efficient team. Especially with an infant at home you need to conscientiously stop babying your husband and let go of things that ultimately don't/won't matter; any love and romance will die off, otherwise. |
Anonymous
Technology does seem to be your best option here. With all of the apps available, you would best be served by finding something that works for you. Yes, you will have to create a system of reminders for a grown man. But, guess what? It will free you up from having to do much of the actual reminding. My mother served this role for my dad. She saw it as her contribution to his success, "The woman behind the man." I know it's a different era, but I could hear her finding what you do laudable and of direct value. Just a different perspective. |
Anonymous
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Do you want kids? Sounds like you won't have time for parenthood anytime soon.
The airport drop off/pickup? Just say no. |