Should I do this? Possibly adopting cousins's grandson.
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Anonymous
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I am feeling really conflicted about this. My older cousin (who also lives in DC)'s daughter recently got in trouble with the law and can no longer take care of her 12 year old son. He is currently staying with my cousin, but her and her husband are older and have come to me to ask if I would be willing to adopt/take in this kid. His dad is not in the picture.
Financially, we can handle it. We has a 12 YO DS ourselves (who gets along with the kid) and both me and DH have stable jobs. To be honest I've thought about adopting before because we always wanted more then one kid (medical issues with me made it not really possible, sadly) but we never went through with it. I like the kid, but I'm not sure if we want to go through with it- I told my cousin that we would have to think about it. I'm worried that once his mom gets out of jail we could get caught up in a lot of drama and I don't want him to have to go through that. It is also a lot of responsibility and money. I was just wondering if any of you had any experiences that could help us, or any suggestions about our situation. |
Anonymous
| I adopted my husbands much younger brother and we have raised him as our son. It was a lot of work and absolutely a labor of love. Totally glad we did it. He's 23 now. |
Anonymous
| Yes but go to court and get legal guardianship. Adoption may not be simple if both parents do not consent. |
Anonymous
So he calls his brother "dad"? |
Anonymous
No, he calls him by his first name. He was 3 when he moved in and 6 when we started the adoption process. |
Anonymous
| Ooof. OP, if you do this you are a saint, but I would talk to some professionals before you make any decisions. There's a lot at stake here, not the least of which is the happiness of your daughter. |
Anonymous
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Wow, this poor kid. Does he know you or have any kind of relationship with you?
My cousins were foster parent to an older child who's dad wasn't in the picture and his mom had mental health/drug dependency issues. He lived with them for several years, then had to go back to live with his mom at some point. As a teen, he had enough of his mom's backsliding and ended up on their door step. They ended up with guardianship at this point. They were the one consistent, loving force in his life. Technically, I'm not sure if he was ever legally adopted him. But he refers to them as mom & dad. They refer to him as their son. They now have a grandson. Your spouse and child need to be on board and I hope you do. Kids need consistency, stability, and love in their lives. |
Anonymous
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OP her, thanks for all the advice, keep it coming!
To address some of your concerns: -We would definitely go the legal route. His dad has given his acceptance for us to adopt him, as has his mom. I wonder whether his mom won't conveniently forget that when her jail term is up, but that is another can of worms. -His mom is definitely functional, not really a drug addict. She is inconsistent though, she often goes out and gets really drunk and does any drug that happens to be available. She was caught with enough weed and ecstasy to be classified as a drug dealer, but prior to her arrest she had a stable job in an accounting firm. So I'm not too worried about the kid's psychological state. -My husband already knows, my cousin and her husband came over to discuss it with both of us, and we have a great relationship with them. I'm not sure how to really bring it up with DS as we've tried to not focus on cousin's daughters drug issues. -Speaking of that, we do know him, as he would often stay with his grandparents (my cousin and her DH) on weekends and holidays when his mother was out drinking/doing drugs. We've known him since he was born, as has DS, and we have a decent relationship with him. -One of the reasons my cousin came to us was because they want to be sure to maintain a relationship with their grandson, but don't feel like they can do it themselves. They are about to retire. We are completely supportive of this. |
Anonymous
| I think it sounds like you all are prepared to take this on. Once you get your DS's blessing, that is. |
Anonymous
If you adopt him, mom's parental rights will be terminated. Doesn't matter if she wants him back when she gets out of prison. That's why adoption is stronger than legal guardianship. It more matters that she'll actually sign the consent form when she gets it. Good for you, OP, this is a good thing. I sometimes wish my daughter's bio-family had stepped up to raise her. I mean, I love her terribly and am also glad they didnt', because she is the light of my life, but she has deep sadness about the aunts, uncles and older cousins who didn't take her in when her mom got sick. |
Anonymous
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I think it is a wonderful thing if you can do it. My son is actually the biological child of my younger brother. His mother is out of the picture and his father is barely around.
It has been a wonderful experience. Good luck to you and your newly expanded family. I think it will be great for DS to have a sibling. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you have already made a good decision for this child and your family. Good luck. Hope it works out. |
Anonymous
| If you are the foster parent, you can get financial assistance from the state for caring for the child. |
Anonymous
| If you decide to go ahead, I would advise applying for guardianship first. If everything goes well, you can then file for adoption. This is a huge commitment and will change the dynamics of your current family's life in ways you cannot imagine. |
Anonymous
It's one thing to visit with one's same-age cousin; it's another to live and share your parent's time/resources with them. |