Brother in very toxic relationship.
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Anonymous
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Bad bad situation with girlfriend. Very toxic and sometimes violent. I have suggested and even offered to pay for therapy, physical exam, etc. Of course he says no. But now it's impacting his kids who have to watch this crap go on (daily yelling screaming cussing, and some rises to the level of emotional abuse). It's impacting the kids' mental health and now their schooling.
I know I can't make him do anything. But I wondered if someone who's been in such a toxic relationship before had any advice on what, if anything, someone could say or do to help them leave. He knows deep down its bad. He just thinks he can change her. And how bad do things have to be to call CPS? I don't witness these things. I hear about them through the kids. Nobody is hitting the kids. But just about everything else you can imagine is happening. 2 Kids are in middle school. One is a high school freshman. Would CPS listen to me? He won't let the kids go to therapy either. I've told them they can talk to their school counselors. I don't know what else to do. |
Anonymous
| Who is the mother of the kids? |
Anonymous
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Since you haven't witnessed it firsthand, be wary of calling CPS yourself. However, you should strongly encourage the kids to tell their teachers or counselors at school about what they see going on at home. Or if they are shy about it, offer to go with them for support.
You don't say who is doing the abusing. From your post it sounds like it's the girlfriend, but is your brother doing the same thing in retaliation? And yes, if the kids' mother is not the GF then do you know if she is aware of the situation? |
Anonymous
do you mean where is she? She passed away 2 years ago. |
Anonymous
brother and girlfriend yell and scream at each other. In front of kids. Both have been violent toward one another, but not in front of kids. The girlfriend does horrible mental games on the kids and my brother does nothing to intervene. |
Anonymous
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Can you have the kids over to your house for a sleep-over once a week (or every weekend, or every other weekend)? That way they could at least get a break from the craziness and see what normal, loving relationships look like.
If they're too far away, can you set a schedule to Skype them (i.e., every Saturday/Sunday morning and Wednesday night) so that they have a way to blow off steam? Sometimes, just talking it out will help them. If that doesn't work, maybe encourage them to keep journals where they can put down their thoughts, emotions, etc? Good luck. This sounds like a horrible situation. |
Anonymous
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CALL CPS
CALL CPS CALL CPS CALL CPS CALL CPS |
Anonymous
| OP here. Is there any potential harm calling CPS to ask what rises to the level of warranting an investigation? I honestly have no idea.... |
Anonymous
Yes, you can do that. They can give you some feedback. |
Anonymous
| You can also email or call the school counselor and tell them your concerns and get some feedback there, too. |
Anonymous
| I am so sorry, OP. It is hard to have rights in your position. My only brother went through hell with his ogre of a wife. She is out of the picture at last. I don't know what to tell you except you are not alone. |
Anonymous
| Does he accept that she's toxic? Or does he defend her? |
Anonymous
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Not to defend an abusive or toxic relationship, but if you were to ask my SIL, she would say her "poor brother does EVERYTHING and his wife is a super bitch". When in reality, her brother (my husband) is verbally abusive and has alienated me from my whole family. He runs to his family with his version of events, but leaves out what he did and said.
Could it be the kids just hate that their father has a new relationship when their mom died only two years ago? |
Anonymous
OP again. My brother's behavior has changed dramatically and other things have happened that I don't want to post in here, for fear of giving too much identifying information. But I've seen and talked to him and seen the changes. With respect to his relationship with his girlfriend and how toxic it is, most of what I hear comes directly from him. And some comes from the girlfriend. Brother is covering for girlfriend, I've caught him in lies, and to answer another poster, he is defending her to the hilt. He's been cut off by several friends because of their (brother and girlfriend's) outrageous public behavior, etc. There has been one arrest and one incident I know that should have resulted in an arrest. Those two incidents don't involve the kids fortunately. What I hear about girlfriend's behavior toward the kids, which freaks me out, does come from the kids. So I have not seen it. But putting it together with what's going on between brother and girlfriend, it's easy to believe. But to answer your original question, no, the kids were not happy with his initially dating. I thought that was the extent of the drama, and tried to help the kids navigate through that. And while I didn't feel he was handling it appropriately, at least back then he was taking two of the kids who were struggling with it to therapy. But he stopped about six months ago.( I mean, they had had counselors they'd been seeing since their mother died) It's like an ongoing soap opera. I've never seen anything like it up close, and it just seems to get worse every day. I will try to talk to someone in human services or some advocacy organization, maybe even CPS. Just to get some guidance. I know there are many bad things that go on in families that don't necessarily rise to the level of official intervention, but I just feel somebody's got to look out for these kids and I feel pretty helpless. And I'll see if I can offer to take the kids a weekend here or there. I'm not super close but it's doable. I just have to figure out their activity schedules and stuff like that. Thanks for feedback and helping me work through some ideas. |
Anonymous
| Perhaps the school counselor? |