problem relative and work email question

[Anonymous]

A few years ago, I cut back contact with a relative who's been inappropriate for all the time I've known her (public scenes, belligerence, manipulations, etc.) to short emails once or twice a year. Her communications have been inappropriate, but I've overlooked that until the last one around the Christmas holidays, which was so manipulative and rude that I decided I wouldn't respond to any more emails.

She emailed me a few weeks ago, and I ignored that. She's just tracked me down through my new employer and sent a message to me via my work email. Clearly, she's angry I ignored her last email.

Before I initially dialed back contact, my relative hinted she thought it would be fun to contact my previous employer directly, presumably for the purpose of embarrassing me, so that's what's on my mind as I consider how to handle this in a way to prevent things from getting out of control. My relative's not very rational, and her email indicated she's been tracking my career.

She's expressed a lot of anger about the way my career is developing, and she's already invested a great deal of energy toward undermining me (hence the decision to reduce contact).

Suggestions on ways to defuse the situation?

[Anonymous]

Go to court and get a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any help OP, but I empathize. I have a similar relative (brother), who continues to contact me despite making it explicitly clear that I want to permanently discontinue any relationship or communication with them, and ignoring all forms of contact.

The amazing thing is, they insist that *I* am the one that is mentally ill, while I'm stepping away and ignoring, and they persist contact with familiar manipulative tendencies. You cannot rationalize with someone who may have some kind of personality disorder. They don't understand boundaries. I agree with pp - it may be time for some kind of legal boundary, since personal ones are undermined by your relative.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You aren't alone.

[Anonymous]

Go to HR and say you have a mentally unstable relative stalking you. Get IT to block her email address. Let your assistant and main number operators know not to put calls through

[Anonymous]

Thank to everyone for the sympathy and suggestions. I really appreciate it.

17:28, yes, irrationality and a disregard for boundaries have been big issues with this relative. I've also experienced the projection you describe.

I'm so reluctant to pursue legal options, but understand that's where this may end up. So sad about it. I care very much about my relative, although I accept my feelings are for an idea that never really existed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to HR and say you have a mentally unstable relative stalking you. Get IT to block her email address. Let your assistant and main number operators know not to put calls through

Clearly your email is public somehow. Ask HR if they can remedy that.

Could you possibly reply as if you were your own assistant? "This is Kim, Cathy's assistant and I'm attending to her corporate email. I suggest you contact her through private email for messages of a personal nature. Thank you."
Then don't respond to her personal email.

[Anonymous]

Let HR know, so they're forewarned.

[Anonymous]

Holy moly, I feel like you're talking about my crazy, belligerent, stalker relative.

Sorry it's affecting you at work. I think you should let HR know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to HR and say you have a mentally unstable relative stalking you. Get IT to block her email address. Let your assistant and main number operators know not to put calls through

I would just have your IT department block their email account so they can't send you emails. You may be able to do it yourself through the email settings.

[Anonymous]

Try to defuse the situation by a short answer. Can HR block a single person? Be very careful what you say about family to others. My family is extremely abusive -- it is a tar baby -- people will frequently say "there's two sides to every story" or whatever when it comes to a dysfunctional family. People who do not have dysfunctional families literally cannot believe or understand. Then you are stuck with explaining. Then they have the choice: believe you or judge you or not. If by chance, they get a load of abuse from a family member -- then they believe you, but they still judge. So be careful.

[Anonymous]

Document this with your employer and previous employer. It may escalate and she may start calling your coworkers or emailing them. Report her now

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much again to everyone for your helpful advice. I ended up sending a short, pleasant email that - hopefully - will extinguish, rather than feed, the behavior. Fingers crossed.

Sorry that others are dealing with difficult families, too, but it's nice that that we can help each other out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to HR and say you have a mentally unstable relative stalking you. Get IT to block her email address. Let your assistant and main number operators know not to put calls through

+

[Anonymous]

Try your best to engage as little as possible because negative attention (like restraining orders) is still attention and these types of folks love any kind of attention. Check out The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker which gives advice about dealing with stalker types.