Finally coming to grips with the reality of a messed up family

[Anonymous]

I am so sad. On the outside, everyone thinks I come from this great family. Reality is, no one can stand to be around the other. My dad was a workaholic and pretty much verbally abusive to us all, especially my mother. My mother stayed home and is now constantly looking for validation and is basically having a breakdown because she feels like we should be indebted to her for staying home with us. She is also very judgmental and my parents still try to control our lives. My sister lives a questionable lifestyle with men in and out of her life, which I normally don't care about, but she has a little boy and having men live with you for a year at a time has to be confusing to him. My brother pretty much hates the family and is the most negative person I have ever met. My parents are disappointed that none of us kids are accomplished doctors or anything. I am pretty responsible so they have no issues with me, but they are always speaking badly of my siblings, and while I see where the are coming from, it still hurts to know that I will never have a happy family who loves being around one another, and always lending a helping hand. I hate that it ended up this way and I am really disappointed that I will never the sibling or parent relationships that others seem to have. Guess this was just a vent. How do I move on?

[Anonymous]

I think maybe the answer is that you have to try to create that loving, cohesive family dynamic yourself now as you create your own family with a partner, children, etc. Do you have or want to have children? Would it help to focus on giving them what you don't have?

FWIW, I am trying so hard to do this for my children, but that ache of loneliness and disappointment that you've described hasn't gone away yet. Maybe a little bit.

I'm sorry OP, I feel for you and I understand.

[Anonymous]

You play the hand you're dealt, OP, and you recognize that your family is essentially the same as all families. Also, please recognize your own judgmental nature. Your post is very judgmental, especially of your sister. I see nothing "questionable" about living with men for a year and that doesn't constitute men going in and out of her life. Your parents venting doesn't constitute speaking badly and you realize, of course, they may complain about you as well?

Stop being such a downer.

[Anonymous]

Therapy.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. My suggestions would be to get some therapy - it's extremely helpful in terms of learning how to accept what you have and haven't gotten in life, and then figuring out how to make the best of things.

Also, go live the life you want. Free yourself from having to be some version of what you've been taught you have to be as a daughter/sister/whatever. Go live your life. Find out what you love. Surround yourself with people who support you and whose company lifts you up.

Basically build the family that you want. Obviously you can't replace your parents, but you can build a network that offers love, security, joy, companionship etc...

Good luck.