Sad about lack of bond between my mom and my toddler daughter...
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Anonymous
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My 2 year old daughter generally loves being babysat, as long as it's someone she knows. My brother, my cousin, my mother in law, my neighbor's high school kid, our former nanny, have all watched her at some time or other, and she usually has a great time, and never has cried with them. As long as I explain that I'll be back soon, she always trusts that I'm coming back. She ends up enjoying her time with the babysitter, because after all, she gets a lot of attention, and she likes having someone to play with, and the babysitters always enjoy her as well.
My mother, who lives a couple hours away, has babysat for my daughter a handful of times. She obviously loves my daughter to pieces, but she has a really different parenting style than I do. She's more hands-off, and she's not really into kids - I mean she loves my daughter, but she's just not very into doing kid-type activities, like playing, or even really talking with her (she only talks to her when she's telling her to do something or not do something), and she doesn't read to her (which is my daughter's favorite activity). This is just the way my mom is, I probably can't change how she is, she's from a different generation and different culture. Growing up, she just left my brother and I alone watching tv or playing with a couple toys, while she did all the cooking/cleaning. Occasionally she'd take us outside for a stroll, or to the playground, but even then there was little to no interaction or play with her. Also she doesn't speak english very well, so there's a language barrier between her and my daughter. My point is, I think my daughter really doesn't enjoy being with my mom, and when my mom babysits, she usually ends up crying after a couple hours or less, asking for me. Which for my daughter, is a pretty rare thing unless she is hurt, or sick or very tired. This makes me sad. And I think it makes my mom sad too. She often blames it on me, saying that she must be like that because I spend too much time with her, and she's just too used to being around me. I know she's only saying that because she feels defensive. Or she blames it on my daughter somehow. I also often have to force her to spend time with my daughter, because often, my mom chooses instead to cook, or clean, or do some other household chore. It often feels like she tries to avoid spending time with her. The other problem is that I think my mom is starting to show signs of dementia - nothing really severe, but she's very forgetful, absent-minded, repeats everything, and it is excruciating trying to explain anything to her. So there's a big communication problem between her and me. I feel sad that I feel like I can't totally trust her with care of my daughter - even though in some ways she is over-the-top cautious, in other ways, she is negligent. Does anyone have any advice? I want my mom and my daughter to have a relationship, and it makes me feel bad when my mom complains to me that it seems like my daughter doesn't like her. Am I just expecting too much out of my mom? Or do you think there's a way I could guide her to have a closer relationship with my daughter? She was so excited to have a grandchild, especially after our first one passed away at a young age. I don't want her to miss this opportunity of spending time with her only grandchild. |
Anonymous
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Every parent/grandparent is different. There's no right or wrong. You need to allow your daughter and your mother to get to know each other. It's really okay she doesn't want to play with her all of the time -- your daughter needs to learn there are differences between people and different styles. This is not bad.
Your daughter gets nervous as she doesn't know her very well. |
Anonymous
Thank you, that is really helpful to hear that perspective. I think I just need to give the both of them some more time together, and in retrospect, maybe I'm over-thinking how that time "should" be spent. |
Anonymous
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I think you really need to let go of your expectations. The perfect grandparent-grandmother relationship will not happen for most of us! It didn't for me, and is not happening for my kids, for various reasons: my grandparents where all too far away. One of my children's grandmother is too ill. The other quite toxic. I am just grateful that my parents and in-laws love my children, even if they rarely see each other. |
Anonymous
| Just allow the natural bond grow. You and your daughter are fortunate that Grandma loves your DD. That's nothing to take for granted, as our kids discovered. |
Anonymous
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One thing that sticks out -- do you feel comfortable leaving your daughter with your mom if she is (even in the beginning stages of) dementia?
More generally, maybe there are activities you would all enjoy together? Perhaps going to a museum or a puppet show or you could all go to the playground? My toddler DS used to be scared of my dad, but ever since they went to Air + Space together (my dad loves the planes and DS is obsessed), DS talks about Grandpa *all the time*. |
Anonymous
So true. Don't get suckered into thinking the bond is like those picture books - grey-haired, bespectacled grannies smiling and quilting while a toddler brings over a handful of wild flowers. My mother is not what I would call a great grandmother to DC, if I compare her to an idealized version, but in her own nutty, flawed way she loves them and they love her. |
Anonymous
| Also, I would line up shorter visits between your mom and daughter, not babysitting per se. Add times when all three of you are together. |
Anonymous
| Would it make you feel any better if I told you that my mother has never met my 12 year old son? Her loss. |
Anonymous
This was going to be my response. I would do things together with your mother and not leave her alone babysitting your toddler. I can't leave my mother alone with my toddler daughter, although for reasons other than the beginning stages of dementia. I wish I could but such is life. |
Anonymous
| Your mom is fine...not all adults have to get down and play with kids to be good and loving. Maybe let her spend more time with you there, too? Or very short babysitting gigs for like an hour? What does your mom like to do ...cook? Bake? Anything? |
Anonymous
| Sad to say this, but I don't blame your DD. From her perspective, what does she get from your mom? 2-year-olds have limited abilities to entertain themselves. As your DD gets older, their relationship will improve. But your mom may like to be a little more interactive. Tell her your DD is more needy. |
Anonymous
My guess is that over time, dementia will chip away at whatever bond your mom and daughter had to begin with. Maybe someone with dementia experience could weigh in. Wishing you the best, OP. |
Anonymous
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My mom is actually very jealous of my young daughter, just like she was jealous of me. I couldn't make this stuff up. I hope it works out for you, one way or the other, OP. |
Anonymous
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Thanks everyone for responses - it was definitely a much needed perspective for me.
I'm going to try some "fun" time together with my daughter and mom - although sometimes, the challenge there, is that my daughter automatically clings to me when I am around, and then ignores my mom, but maybe it's about finding the right activity to do together. And as for the early signs of dementia, yes - it's not too severe (mostly forgetting things, and sometimes not being responsive, and just being in kind of a daze) but it does keep me from just leaving my daughter completely alone with my mom for an extended amount of time. So usually it is at our house, while I'm working upstairs, so I'm never too far away. Or I drop them off at the playground for a morning. I do think that because of my mom's personality type, it will just take a much longer time for my daughter to warm up to her and to trust her. I'll just need to practice some patience on that front! |