Mom is furious I didn't share MIL's diagnosis with her...

[Anonymous]

My MIL was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer about a month ago. She only shared
With immediate family (husband, son, daughter) because she wanted to wait until after surgery to share with others. Unfortunately it looks like she's going to need some treatment to completely get rid of the cancer.

She's now telling other people, including my parents. They get along very well and get together alone from time to time, and correspond through email/phone about once a week but they aren't close friends. My mom lost her sister to breast cancer about 10 years ago and since then has been involve in volunteer work. My mom has a habit of forcing herself into situations and taking over. We recently had an argument about her involvement in our house hunting process and over inserting herself. Because of this,mil had specifically asked Me not to share with my mom until she was ready.

Anyways, my mom has sent me several emails and texts saying how I obviously don't respect her enough to share the info with her. How I don't trust her enough to not tell anyone else/get involved, etc. I finally sent her a text saying "with all due respect, MIL's diagnosis and how she is choosing to go about it is not about you." She then called me a bitch.

Ugh. I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Anyone else have moms who over insert themselves into situations?

[Anonymous]

I have someone in my family that does this too- inserts themselves into everything, and always makes everything about them. We deal with it by managing information shared with this person, and staying on message. It means we see less of her but the relationship is less tiresome and easier on us.

[Anonymous]

Your mom doesn't get that you respected your MILs wishes about the cancer diagnosis? I would think she'd be proud of you for your integrity. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Your mom called you a bitch? I'm so sorry, how hurtful.

[Anonymous]

"That was not my information to share and I feel strongly about respecting someone's personal space and wishes. Don't make this about you and what you want!"

[Anonymous]

Your mom is totally in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

All bets are off when your mother calls you a bitch. Do not contact her or speak to her until she apologizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All bets are off when your mother calls you a bitch. Do not contact her or speak to her until she apologizes.

This.

But also, it depends on your mom. I have trusted my mom with things about DHs family that I was asked not to share but I needed someone with whom to talk. I made clear that she had to pretend not to know once it became public (or to never have known if it never did). I knew I could trust her to keep it quiet.

I would be hurt if, when grown, my DD didn't feel like she could confide in me and trust me to keep a secret. I would be hurt if I were your mom in this particular situation. I WOULD NEVER call you a bitch for what you did. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Anonymous]

She's made it very clear by this behaviour that you did the right thing in not telling her. Sorry that she is like that and that you have to deal with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All bets are off when your mother calls you a bitch. Do not contact her or speak to her until she apologizes.

This.

But also, it depends on your mom. I have trusted my mom with things about DHs family that I was asked not to share but I needed someone with whom to talk. I made clear that she had to pretend not to know once it became public (or to never have known if it never did). I knew I could trust her to keep it quiet.

I would be hurt if, when grown, my DD didn't feel like she could confide in me and trust me to keep a secret. I would be hurt if I were your mom in this particular situation. I WOULD NEVER call you a bitch for what you did. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I too would hope my daughter would confide in me. However if she were asked specifically not to, as in this situation, I would have to respect both the original person requesting privacy as well as my daughter's integrity being asked to maintain that. My potential hurt feelings are #3 in line here. I think it's wrong to share someone's private information with your mother just because you need to process it. I think you owe it to the person requesting confidentiality to tell them you are not able to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I hold my mother at a distance and have very firm boundaries because of the way she is. She's never been to my house, for example. I don't feel bad at all about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's made it very clear by this behaviour that you did the right thing in not telling her. Sorry that she is like that and that you have to deal with it

+1000 I also think that your MIL including you in the close circle of family members that she did tell at first, says something positive about her relationship with you.

Plus, I really like your response to your mother--it was perfect! This solemn situation is really not about your mom at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Anyone else have moms who over insert themselves into situations?

Yes, mom trying to "correct" our multicultural family's parenting styles to they comport more with those of small town midwest in which I was raised.

"It's so hard to reach you sometimes."

Well, trying to be unreachable. LOL.

[Anonymous]

"I am sorry you feel that way. After you apologize, we will talk."

And then do not respond until she does. All bets are off when she called you a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Simple. Say, "This was not my information to share." Then move on to another topic.

My mom did this to me. It was nothing nearly this serious, but it was my information to share and I was upset I didn't get to tell my information to the people I care about. As a result, she didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 20 weeks pregnant. This was after my brother and friends knew and at the same time as other family found out.