I Love Love My BFF...But Lately....

[Anonymous]

I have a BFF that I have been friends w/for almost 30 yrs. We met in high school + have been through so much together. Marriage, divorce, children, parental deaths, break-ups, mental breakdowns, etc. You name it, we've been there, done that ten times over.

She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I can tell her anything and everything and I know she will not judge me nor will she ever tell another soul.
I honestly feel truly blessed to have such a friend in my life.

However, I am finding it very difficult lately talking to her.
She is going through a very bitter divorce after 15+ yrs. of marriage and is understandably going through some trauma. Financial, custodial, etc.

She is making huge dating choices that are not making any sense to me and when I gently advise her of this, she gets defensive.

For example, she is frequenting a free online dating website + meeting some different men who in my opinion have been jerks. She ends up sleeping w/them after 2 or 3 meet-ups, then introducing them to her two young children, ages 6 & 8. Then after a few weeks, the guys are gone from her life and she meets another guy and so the cycle begins again.

I tell this isn't healthy for her or her children and that I am by no means judging her behavior because I have never been one to pass judgment on anyone, trust me.

But initially when she meets these men, they feed her these outright bogus lines just to get her in bed, and she buys their B.S.

Currently, there is this guy who comes around once a month, sleeps w/her, then blows her off. When she tries to contact him, he simply ignores her texts/calls. Then after a month, he will call/text + say he misses her and is so sorry he ceased communicating w/her, it's just that he was falling so hard in love w/her and it was scaring him to death that he would get hurt so he didn't want to take the risk. He then tells her he needs to see her and she takes him back again. They sleep together, then BAM (!!) he disappears again, then returns again a month later w/the same excuse.

It's so hard to be supportive when I know this guy is conning her, yet she gets angry at me because she says he really means it when he says he loves her and that he has just been hurt by love so many times that this is tough for him.

It's to the point where I cannot even deal w/talking to her anymore.

It is a HUGE bone of contention and I find myself getting angry at her and wanting to tell her, "Can't you see what this guy is??! You are a smart lady!! Why are you falling for this shit?"

[Anonymous]

Wow, she sounds very immature. Believe me, she will wise up fast. Keep being a good friend to her. This will pass.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP that sounds difficult and extreme. Maybe write a letter expressing concern about her behavior? It's not healthy for her but it's especially destabilizing for the children. Tell her all you want is the best for her, and that you've known her for years, and that you understand how hard this stretch is, but you hope she can see that there are other options? Are the children with their dad every week? If so, can she limit her dating to those evenings/nights? Ah, I would find this so hard!

[Anonymous]

I would leave her selection choices completely out of the conversation. She can date losers indefinitely. However, tell her that as her friend and someone who loves her kid like an auntie, you need her to promise that she will wait 4-6 months before introducing any of these guys to her kids. And you will listen without complaint about all of her dating escapades. That you don't want her kids to lose respect for her from having different men around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would leave her selection choices completely out of the conversation. She can date losers indefinitely. However, tell her that as her friend and someone who loves her kid like an auntie, you need her to promise that she will wait 4-6 months before introducing any of these guys to her kids. And you will listen without complaint about all of her dating escapades. That you don't want her kids to lose respect for her from having different men around.

+1

Feel bad for her kids.

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend doesn't meet kids till at least a year- their little heads must be spinning. I feel really bad for them.

[Anonymous]

Is the divorce finalized? Can her ex use this behavior to show she is a bad mother? This behavior is unacceptable for EITHER parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the divorce finalized? Can her ex use this behavior to show she is a bad mother? This behavior is unacceptable for EITHER parent.

This is how I would couch it when I spoke to her about it, if I were you. These kids are old enough to understand, and report back to daddy. Just say that you know someone at your workplace or through other friends (that she doesn't know) who's ex is fighting them harder in the divorce and using the fact that they are bringing new boyfriends/girlfriends around the kids as the ammo.

As for her own decisions, yeah, they're dumb, but this is what people do when they get divorced. I've seen several friends go through this. In some cases it takes them a couple of years to smarten up. Hang in there, she'll likely really appreciate it when she wakes up and realizes how she was acting.