middle school to high school

[Anonymous]

DD is 14. In 6th through 8th grade, she complained often about going to school ("it's boring," "everyone is stupid", etc), but wasn't bullied or anything. She liked some teachers, in general just didn't want to be there. After two days of her HS bridge program, however, she came home and immediately went to her room. I found her sobbing in the corner. She said she wants to go back to middle school. This happened again, and then a week later at a younger friend's house. Is this normal? I thought kids just wanted out of MS... I certainly did. Should she be talking to a therapist? Anything else to aid this transition?

[Anonymous]

At our middle school's week long orientation program, they spent a lot of time telling the kids how much harder it would be than elementary school, how much more work, how there would be mean girls and bullies, and all sorts of crap that can scare the hell out of an incoming student. Our middle school counselors are idiots and don't realize that they're scaring the kids, not preparing them.

Any chance it's a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

Did she find many of her friends in the same school? (it can be overwhelming if she suddenly see a sea of strangers)

[Anonymous]

Did she give a reason why? Did you have a heart talk with her?

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to her and get to the root of the situation. Is she overwhelmed by the size of the school? Unsure of the academic pressure? Heard rumors about the other students? There are sooo many things that could be weighing on her that it's hard to provide a solution without knowing the problem. Assure her you want to make sure she's happy but you need to understand what is weighing on her first so you know what to change or get help with.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the new school situation could be overwhelming for her.

I routinely lie down with my 12 yr old DD at night and talk with her with the lights out. Most of the time she doesn't share anything significant. (She's not worrying about what I think she might worry about. I guess that's a good thing, right?) But this routine helps open the doors to discussion when something similar to OPs occurs.

Try talking with her at night in a dark room. If you don't already have this kind of routine, start slow. For the first few nights just talk - Start by talking about your day. Add some feelings into it and then ask if she wants to share anything. It may take a few nights for her to open up, but keep trying.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 14. In 6th through 8th grade, she complained often about going to school ("it's boring," "everyone is stupid", etc), but wasn't bullied or anything. She liked some teachers, in general just didn't want to be there. After two days of her HS bridge program, however, she came home and immediately went to her room. I found her sobbing in the corner. She said she wants to go back to middle school. This happened again, and then a week later at a younger friend's house. Is this normal? I thought kids just wanted out of MS... I certainly did. Should she be talking to a therapist? Anything else to aid this transition?

If it were my DC I would look into a therapist. She's having trouble making the transition and a professional can help. And she may have some kind of underlying issue with anxiety and depression. Dealing with all of this is better sooner than later. Kids who aren't given help coping can find unhealthy ways to cope. You might give it a few more weeks to see if things improve but I wouldn't go more than a month or two.

You will now hear from people who feel there is some kind of stigma associated with therapy. Don't listen to them. Its a goo skill for some kids to learn, how to get help when they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I routinely lie down with my 12 yr old DD at night and talk with her with the lights out. Most of the time she doesn't share anything significant. (She's not worrying about what I think she might worry about. I guess that's a good thing, right?) But this routine helps open the doors to discussion when something similar to OPs occurs.

I just love this idea. It is something we do occasionally, when something is going on, but I will be more mindful about it now. Thanks for sharing!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't rush to a therapist yet! Change is hard and girls tend to be weepy at this age... it's the fear of the unknown. And it can also be the fear of how things are different and harder. Most of the time, my kids are totally against any change (they even told me they didn't want to go on the Disney cruise... and by the end of it, they wanted to live on the ship).

If two months into school she's still having significant troubles (like not wanting to go to school, crying AT school, etc.) then it's time to talk to the school counselors and see if there is a peer group for kids having trouble adjusting.

Change is hard. Don't make your DD feel like she's wrong for wanting to stay with what she knows. Patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I routinely lie down with my 12 yr old DD at night and talk with her with the lights out. Most of the time she doesn't share anything significant. (She's not worrying about what I think she might worry about. I guess that's a good thing, right?) But this routine helps open the doors to discussion when something similar to OPs occurs.

I just love this idea. It is something we do occasionally, when something is going on, but I will be more mindful about it now. Thanks for sharing!

We do something similar once a week. We have a dd and a ds. Dd will sleep in the bed with me and dh and ds will camp out in the basement together. It's a great time for talks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't rush to a therapist yet! Change is hard and girls tend to be weepy at this age... it's the fear of the unknown. And it can also be the fear of how things are different and harder. Most of the time, my kids are totally against any change (they even told me they didn't want to go on the Disney cruise... and by the end of it, they wanted to live on the ship).

If two months into school she's still having significant troubles (like not wanting to go to school, crying AT school, etc.) then it's time to talk to the school counselors and see if there is a peer group for kids having trouble adjusting.

Change is hard. Don't make your DD feel like she's wrong for wanting to stay with what she knows. Patience.

This is exactly the kind of post I was worried about. Therapy is not punishment and taking a child to a therapist does not tell them that they are doing something wrong, unless thats the way you feel and you convey that. Mya dvice was to wait a little bit, maybe a month or two, but not longer. This isn't rushing to the therapist.

I'll be more explicit: kids who have extreme emotions learn unhealthy ways to control them. Cutting comes to mind, but thats not the only thing. OP has a child who, for whatever reason, is having trouble controlling ehr emotions. Thats is something to watch and keep on a short leash. The other concerning thing is that OP doesn't really know whats going on, her DD is being communicative. Another reason to bring in a professional if it continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to her and get to the root of the situation. Is she overwhelmed by the size of the school? Unsure of the academic pressure? Heard rumors about the other students? There are sooo many things that could be weighing on her that it's hard to provide a solution without knowing the problem. Assure her you want to make sure she's happy but you need to understand what is weighing on her first so you know what to change or get help with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't rush to a therapist yet! Change is hard and girls tend to be weepy at this age... it's the fear of the unknown. And it can also be the fear of how things are different and harder. Most of the time, my kids are totally against any change (they even told me they didn't want to go on the Disney cruise... and by the end of it, they wanted to live on the ship).

If two months into school she's still having significant troubles (like not wanting to go to school, crying AT school, etc.) then it's time to talk to the school counselors and see if there is a peer group for kids having trouble adjusting.

Change is hard. Don't make your DD feel like she's wrong for wanting to stay with what she knows. Patience.

This is exactly the kind of post I was worried about. Therapy is not punishment and taking a child to a therapist does not tell them that they are doing something wrong, unless thats the way you feel and you convey that. Mya dvice was to wait a little bit, maybe a month or two, but not longer. This isn't rushing to the therapist.

I'll be more explicit: kids who have extreme emotions learn unhealthy ways to control them. Cutting comes to mind, but thats not the only thing. OP has a child who, for whatever reason, is having trouble controlling ehr emotions. Thats is something to watch and keep on a short leash. The other concerning thing is that OP doesn't really know whats going on, her DD is being communicative. Another reason to bring in a professional if it continues.

Taking a 14 yr. old girl who is going through a significant transition -- and happens to be a little weepy -- to a therapist DOES suggest to her that something is wrong with her. And it's premature. She's weepy... not suicidal. Her grades haven't dropped. She still has friends. RELAX on the therapy has to solve all periods of difficulty. Maybe therapy will be necessary, maybe not. My DD has had tears several times b/c her best friend was planning to move away -- should I be taking her to therapy too??? Seriously. There is a time and a place for therapy.... I get tired of the "run to a therapist" to solve all struggles in life philosophy.

[Anonymous]

It's a very scary and emotional time. My DD is also a rising 9th grader and grieving the loss of middle school to some degree and change in general. I've taken her to therapy before off and on, but I am not doing it now. DD is also weepy, at times angry, as in "I can't believe you're making me go to that stupid school!" etc. It blows over and then stirs up again. I quietly reassure her that change is hard, all the 9th grade kids are going through something similar. I remind her of other times when she felt similarly but then things were OK. I affirm without getting into it.

Of course later I lay awake and worry! But I do believe that some emotions are both warranted and fine. Kids have to learn to be sad and afraid and get through it. I think our role is to be with them and reassure them that they are loved and that many things in their lives are not changing.

That said, I also think therapy can be great (I go myself!) so of course that's an option if your child seems too anxious and doesn't have coping mechanisms in place.