How do you set healthy boundaries with your parents without hurting their feelings?

[Anonymous]

My mother wants details about everything. Specifically a family event that I went to that she could not go to. I told her what I thought was a lot but apparently not enough to satisfy her. She now has my dad calling and complaining to me about it. She often say, "Why does it seem like you don't want to talk to me?" while I'm talking to her! I'm not sure what to say to her that won't hurt her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Your post gives a pretty good opener: "Mom, I'm not sure why you say it seems like I don't want to talk to you when I'm talking to you right now. It makes the conversation a bit uncomfortable. I'm here, we're talking, what's up?"

[Anonymous]

When my mom is pushing for more, I just ignore her. If she complains about my dad, I ignore her. If she fights with him in my house, I ask her to leave because my husband and I don't speak to each other or other adults disrespectfully like she does to my dad with her constant snide put downs. Basically we just ignore her child-like behavior and don't reward her with attention. If she seems like she doesn't get it, I just get blunt with her. For your mom I would say "I am not sure why you think I didn't want to talk to you, I told you about Susie's wedding."

Also tell her about all the random stuff - what color were the napkins, was the chicken any good, were there cute kids dancing, did Susie's coworker get too drunk. Then you can keep family stuff to the facts. Yes Marie was there. No I didn't notice if she's lost weight. Yes David was there. No I didn't notice who his date was. Yes Nicole was there. Oh, I didn't hear about rehab. She looked well, but I wasn't really paying attention. Just don't get bullied into telling her gossipy mean things or things that are none of her business. Stick to the facts or if you don't want to say who attended, pretend you didn't see everyone or don't recall because you were so busy with something else.

[Anonymous]

Recognize that your dad is probably calling because she's driving him crazy too and he wants some peace. They are co-dependent.

Run down your "mental list" with her. "Okay, I told you about Aunt Larla's face lift. Told you about the centerpieces. Told you about Cousin Larlo's fiancee's gold tooth. Yep, that's everything. You are up to date!"

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the really good advice. I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't do it without hurting her feelings. You can be kind about it but there's no way you can set boundaries with your mom that she is going to be happy about. But once you set the boundaries, she will probably learn to live with them and your relationship can improve.

My mom used to complain to me regularly about my father. I finally told her I didn't want to hear it anymore. I could tell she was angry with me but I was tired of this constant pattern of complaining and not doing anything to improve the situation. Finally being able to set boundaries with my mom improved our relationship but no way I could have done it without her being upset about it.

[Anonymous]

Tough Love. Recognize that hurt feelings won't break them.

You are an adult, and SO ARE THEY. IF they can't handle it, you are better off without them.

Marriages can be broken up by meddling parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't do it without hurting her feelings. You can be kind about it but there's no way you can set boundaries with your mom that she is going to be happy about. But once you set the boundaries, she will probably learn to live with them and your relationship can improve.

My mom used to complain to me regularly about my father. I finally told her I didn't want to hear it anymore. I could tell she was angry with me but I was tired of this constant pattern of complaining and not doing anything to improve the situation. Finally being able to set boundaries with my mom improved our relationship but no way I could have done it without her being upset about it.

PP is right: there is no way to set boundaries for people who previously didn't have them. Just tell her what you want to tell her. If she asks what color the napkins were, that's probably fine. But if she asks about cousin Janet or uncle George, just tell her to call them up if she wants to know about their experience at the family gathering (in a polite way, of course). That usually keeps the gossip away when I tell people "I don't know, why don't you ask her?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough Love. Recognize that hurt feelings won't break them.

You are an adult, and SO ARE THEY. IF they can't handle it, you are better off without them.

Marriages can be broken up by meddling parents.

Only when the 2 in the marriage allow that!

[Anonymous]

You will hurt their feelings at some point even if you try your best, and they should be able to cope.

The trick is to be consistent so that they know what to expect.
Also to not let yourself be sucked into explaining your conduct in more than a simple sentence - it will put you on the defensive and leave you open to all kinds of counter-arguments.