Family drama and not taking sides

[Anonymous]

My mother and sister are in a huge fight. Mother, who is nice 95% of the time has an incredibly vicious side to her. My sister makes questionable life decisions related to her kids and relationships (now divorced), and her lifestyle has always caused my mother a lot of anxiety and disappointment. They are in the middle of a huge fight. My mother is beyond angry at my sister and is saying horrible things to my sister and even speaking badly of her to other people. I agree that my sister has made poor choices and has also said terrible things to my mom, but my mom seems to be crossing a line in talking badly about my sister to others. They both are involving me, and my mother is upset bc I am not siding with her bc she knows I too don't really agree with my sister's parenting/ lifestyle either. But, my sister is feeling so alone with her own mother saying such horrible things to her. How do I stay out of it? It is causing me anxiety too - we have a very weird family dynamic and I want to distance my family from the drama but feel guilty not spending time with my parents. They can just be so nasty though ( not necessarily to me though bc I am living a pretty conservative, traditional life).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother and sister are in a huge fight. Mother, who is nice 95% of the time has an incredibly vicious side to her. My sister makes questionable life decisions related to her kids and relationships (now divorced), and her lifestyle has always caused my mother a lot of anxiety and disappointment. They are in the middle of a huge fight. My mother is beyond angry at my sister and is saying horrible things to my sister and even speaking badly of her to other people. I agree that my sister has made poor choices and has also said terrible things to my mom, but my mom seems to be crossing a line in talking badly about my sister to others. They both are involving me, and my mother is upset bc I am not siding with her bc she knows I too don't really agree with my sister's parenting/ lifestyle either. But, my sister is feeling so alone with her own mother saying such horrible things to her. How do I stay out of it? It is causing me anxiety too - we have a very weird family dynamic and I want to distance my family from the drama but feel guilty not spending time with my parents. They can just be so nasty though ( not necessarily to me though bc I am living a pretty conservative, traditional life).

Sounds like you would tell your mom she's being cruel and/or spend less time with her except you're afraid she'll be mean to you too. That just makes more clear that you should stand up to her. Tell her that you will not take her side when she's bullying your sister.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I don't understand why family treat each other differently (worse) than they would a neighbor? why so invested in another's choices? Your Mother should be long done with mothering. It's not her responsibility. It's no reflection on her any longer. And most importantly she shouldn't have any power, she shouldn't think she has any power.

No one should give advice unless it's asked for

[Anonymous]

I would simply do mirrored listening. "It's so hurtful when people say nasty things to you. I'm so sorry." "It's so hurtful when people cause you anxiety. I'm so sorry."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would simply do mirrored listening. "It's so hurtful when people say nasty things to you. I'm so sorry." "It's so hurtful when people cause you anxiety. I'm so sorry."

Oh brother. The mother needs to be told she is being a bad parent, talking to others negatively about her own child, not reenforcement that she is aggrieved. I can't imagine doing that to my own child. It speaks volumes about her as a mother and it makes what actually happened LESS important rather than more, IMO. What a shitty thing to do to the whole family.

[Anonymous]

You could tell both you're not taking sides but sounds like you should at least let your mom know that backbiting about your sister makes you really uncomfortable, whatever mistakes she may have made. If your mom is conservative, that word should ring a bell with her.

[Anonymous]

My sister and my father had a falling out and have not spoken to each other for seven years. It's heartbreaking for me. My sister doesn't put me in the middle, but my father and stepmother do. I just have made a habit of responding something like this, "Dad, I don't know what she is thinking about this and it makes me sad to talk about it so let's not. How's your garden coming along this summer?" If they persist, I just tell them that I feel like they are putting me in the middle and I don't want to say anymore about it.

[Anonymous]

"I love you both dearly and hate seeing you fight this way. But I won't take sides. If I have to separate my relationships with each of you in order to maintain them I will, but I hope you can find a way back to each other. In the meantime I cannot listen to you badmouth (daughter/mother) and I won't allow my family to be drawn in."