Is this rude?

[Anonymous]

Okay, could someone with tweens or teens give me a reality check? I have two young children-- 4 & 6-- so I don't know what's reasonable and what's not when dealing with older kids.

My divorced brother (his ex has barely been seen for years) and his two kids-- 12 and 15-- are staying with me for an extended visit (a couple of months at least while they wait for their house to be renovated). The kids-- a boy and a girl-- are sweet, smart, funny kids and I love them. But they are plugged into one gadget or another about 95% of the time. They sit in the living room after dinner with their laptops open to some sort of video phone/chat program, loudly chatting to their friends and playing little snippets of music for each other, which makes it hard to talk to them-- conversations are constantly interrupted-- or for the grown-ups to talk or just sit and read (it's like having two people carry on intermittent phone conversations while you're trying to relax). At dinner, they manage to take the earphones out, but they sit at the table with their cell phones out and every minute or so there's a little noise indicating that a new text message has arrived for one of them, and-- naturally-- they have to instantly stop whatever they were doing-- eating, talking-- to pick up the phone and text back to their friend.

This is driving me CRAZY. I find it distracting and also just rude. But it doesn't even seem to register for my brother-- he sometimes jokes about it ("You guys would die without your phones, wouldn't you?") but he does not seem to be bothered by it. I want my brother and nephew and niece to feel loved and welcome, and I don't want to overreact if this is "the new normal" for teens and for families. Am I overreacting to feel that cellphones should be off during dinner and that if the kids want to talk out loud to their friends on their computers, they should do so in their own rooms, not in the living room when others are trying to talk to each other or read? And if it is not just me, any suggestions for how to broach this topic to them or to my brother?

[zumbamama]

yes I think it's rude, but I'm not sure how to undo their electronic habits. Maybe when they come over, you can say in a fun voice, ok...electronic break, let's play a game...or introduce some activity that requires their full attention. I don't know if it will work on teenagers though. I think you'd have to get your brother onboard with you first.

I def. don't allow cell phones/gameboys/etc. at the dinner table...that is super rude. Dinner time is family time.

[Anonymous]

I think it's perfectly OK to set a rule in your house that no gagets come to the table, and to make that clear to the older kids. Your house, your rules, even if it's different at home.

[Anonymous]

It would drive me nuts too and I would hate for my kids to think that it is ok.
I do see that it seems to be the norm among teens/tweens to be obsessed with these gadgets but I think you need to set some ground rules at least at the dinner table. No electronics during dinner. You dont have to be rude about it you can just say "Love you guys, but it is gonna have to wait till after dinner" and perhaps have them use the electronics in another room other than your "relaxing" area after dinner. I hope by the time my babies become teens there is no such thing as electronics anymore - I am just as guilty with my laptop but never ever at the table - the line needs to be drawn somewhere.

[Anonymous]

A wiser person than I had a great quote on the propriety of texting -- (paraphrasing) If you wouldn't feel comfortable whipping out the NYT Sunday crossword puzzle and doing it in X situation, then you shouldn't be texting in that situation, either.

I remind my adult brother and DH of this when they bust out the Blackberries in the middle of dinner, or when I'm speaking to them mid-sentence.

It's rude, period. And the crossword analogy is apt because it demonstrates that the new technology argument is a fallacy. Since the beginning of time there have been possible distractions (rock counting! crosswords, whittling) and the actual issue is manners, not technology.

[Anonymous]

It is normal and rude. Tweens and teens left to their own devices with plug in to tech and plug out of the world and speak loudly to their friends without any regard for others. And it is a parents job to stop it!

Set the boundaries for your house and have a chat with your brother....you should not have to parent his kids as well as your own!

But try not to take it personally!

[zumbamama]

I wonder what parents/teens will think is appropriate e-talk 100 years from now.

[Anonymous]

I'd set a rule of "No Cellphones At Supper."

Maybe decorate a basket that the kids can leave their batteries (or cellphones) in? And then tell them they can pick them up once everyone is done eating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's perfectly OK to set a rule in your house that no gagets come to the table, and to make that clear to the older kids. Your house, your rules, even if it's different at home.

Completely agree. Plus, dinner time is only, what?, a whole whopping 30 minutes?

But tell the your niece and nephew diplomatically -it's not a punishment or anything. Just rules of the house.


By the way, we have a no-hats at the table rule (it used to be no hats in the house, but...) in addition to the no- cellphone/iphone/whatever at the dinner table. And yes, it's applicable to everyone - even us mom and dad too.

[Anonymous]

It's a combination of independence (own cellphone), feeling important (OMG I just got a text), and instant gratification (I have to know NOW) all wrapped into one. Mix that with the "mystery" of adolescent teens and that is one hec of a combination

That doesn't mean it's still not rude, but just a different view point as to why there is obsession and not to take it personally.

I don't think it's asking too much to have the teens leave their electronics behind for dinner.

As for after dinner: see what happens if you ask them about the sound bites of music, or whom they are busy texting, etc. Sometimes, the teens (especially if since you seem like a nice aunt) will open up to you and actually have a conversation with you!

[Anonymous]

Yes, rude. Okay to put a lid on it at dinner.
I have two reactions to the living room thing. First that it is rude and you should ask the kids to go elsewhere. But second that there is also a problem with kids being off in their rooms obsessed with their computers and not interacting with the rest of the family. (Won't go into details but my dc got into way big trouble this way. I know from experience!)

But the second thing is not really your problem. It's their father's. At any rate, you're well within your rights to work out some kind of solution. Talk to their dad and the kids about how to work out the living room problem.

[Anonymous]

Watch Dr Phil today - that is one of his topics.

[Anonymous]

Be glad they are not bothering you. But if the noise drives you batty politely ask them to take the "call" in another room. They'll get it after the fourth time you do this. Then continue dinner and forget about them.

[Anonymous]

I know it's rude but why is it rude? I'll need to explain why it's rude.

[Anonymous]

It's rude for the same reason it's rude for two people to whisper together when they're at the dinner table or sitting with a group of friends in the living room. It's rude for the same reason it's rude to read at the dinner table. It excludes people and sends the message that they're not important to you -- or, at least, not important as other people who are not present. While I agree that many rules need to be explained to kids and that is certainly our practice with our kids (ages 14 and 8), some rules are clearly reasonable. When I told my teen that texting was not allowed at the table or during a conversation with others who are not involved in the texting, he didn't ask why or give me any argument at all, suggesting that he knew perfectly well why we were estaiblishing this rule. We have not had a problem since then.