I am dreading the long weekend

[Anonymous]

I hate weekends in general and am dreading the long weekend tomorrow because being with my family is so stressful. I have two year old twins and a mother with Early Onset Alzheimer's. During the week the kids are in daycare and we have an aide stay with my Mom while I am at work. Because of the added expense of my mother's illness, DH has been forced to take holiday shifts and overtime at work so I am alone. While I used to have friends to help ease my struggles with the twins and do play dates, excursions with them and their kids now there is no way anyone else wants to me around my mother or even try to deal with what Alzheimer's does to a person.

DH and I planned our lives so carefully. We only planned on one child and then I got pregnant with twins. While I love my children dearly and would never have it any other way, our carefully planned savings didn't go far when you need two of everything. My mother lived paycheck to paycheck and I am her only child. She did not have Long Term Health Insurance and is not yet 65 to get medicare. We are working on getting my late father's VA benefits for her and other social services but everything takes forever and there is so much red tape involved. Mom has been living with us since February 14th.

This is just a vent. I'm sorry. But if you learn anything from my tale, please INSIST THAT YOUR PARENTS GET LONG TERM HEALTH COVERAGE. There was no history of Alzheimers in her family and she was always healthy, active and bright - until she wasn't.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, OP. No advice to offer but just sympathy. If I knew you, I'd offer to help out for sure.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. You're a good daughter and a good mom, and you're doing the best you can with what is obviously a tough situation. If we were friends, I'd not mind you hanging out with us, even if it was just at the baby pool at our club. I know 2 year olds can be very draining (I have one almost that age), and dementia/Alzheimer's only gets harder as the disease progresses.

Where do you live? Have you looked into any community resources available to your mother? Even though she isn't technically a senior, a lot of services available to older family members would be available also to someone who is disabled/impaired. Does she qualify for Medicaid? Have you investigated any assisted living type facilities for her? I know so often we want to keep our family members at home for as long as possible, but sometimes it isn't the best thing for them or us.

Could you get someone to come and help out on the weekends, like you do during the week? Even if you could just get a couple of hours to do something fun with just you and your kids, you might feel a lot less stressed about the weekend in general. Prep meals, wash clothes, etc., when the kids are in bed so you're not spending time doing that stuff while they're awake. Do a bare minimum of cleaning just to get by.

Hugs, OP. I hope you get some relief soon.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I'm sorry you have so much on your shoulders. Is there any way you can get the aide to come for a few hours during the weekend so you can get out with the kids for a playdate?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. This sounds really rough. Have you looked into adult daycare/respite services? I hope things get better soon!

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP.

It sounds like you have the wheels turning to get more benefits and support.

Along with the VA benefits, has your Mom started getting social security? Is disability a possibility at that age? Medicaid?

I would see if you can get an aid for one day on the weekends too and/or file for FMLA at work. That's unpaid leave, but my mother used it to have one day off a week for a long time during a crisis situation with my grandfather. Keep daycare and the aid, and spend that day to hunt down services, schedule doctor's appointments, etc.

Are you working with a social worker or elder attorney for any of these things? That may be worth it just to get more services sooner.

My best to you--what a terrible situation to be in.

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom? Does she have a significant work history? She might be eligible for disability. Or at the very least can you ask her doctor about resources to help?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. Breathe, relax. In a couple years the twins will not be as needy, and you can do more things with them.
For now, go with simple and small. Fill a baby pool up with a couple inches of water and let them splash. Get out some bubbles and sidewalk chalk and just let them play while you watch. Set up a sprinkler so they can run through it.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I know it's a lot to ask but if you feel comfortable might I suggest sharing your story with people on the twins groups listserv? Like the Northern Virginia one or on MCPOM?
The mothers in those groups are really terrific and from what I can tell they rally around members who are going through difficult times.
At the very least maybe there is another twin mom who wouldn't mind having a drop-off playdate with your twins so you can get a short break this weekend!

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you everyone. I'm just so tired...

My mother went through a stage pre-diagnosis that is common in Alzheimer's patients where she threw nearly everything away. Food, telephones, all important papers (including my Dad's death certificate and her marriage license) so tracking everything down has been a huge undertaking alone. It is so difficult to get a death certificate! I didn't even have my Dad's SS # as he has been dead for over fifteen years. We've been fighting to get her disability insurance from work to kick in but it has been a struggle and takes forever. We still pay her health insurance premiums (thank you Obama - they couldn't cut her off!) so she can still have good doctors and specialists but DH has to work extra hours to cover that expense as well. I wish we could afford a weekend aide for my Mom but we just can't right now.

We have a good elder attorney (again - more money spent) as I had to get Power of Attorney to even force her to come live with us - it's a long involved saga...

I'm looking into everything that I can. Most free Senior Centers will not take Alzheimer's sufferers because they tend to wander off.

Again, thanks for the empathy. I just have to get thru the next three days with my beautiful children and once loving and sane mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, i feel for you. That sounds like a really tought situation. I am a nanny for twins and I'd be happy to donate 2-3 hours tomorrow to help out and play with your kids a bit. Post an email if you are interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, i feel for you. That sounds like a really tought situation. I am a nanny for twins and I'd be happy to donate 2-3 hours tomorrow to help out and play with your kids a bit. Post an email if you are interested.

I am not the OP but that is a really sweet, generous offer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, i feel for you. That sounds like a really tought situation. I am a nanny for twins and I'd be happy to donate 2-3 hours tomorrow to help out and play with your kids a bit. Post an email if you are interested.

That is so incredibly kind of you! However we don't live in DC or the surrounding area.

You are a truly wonderful person - I hope your employers appreciate you!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your tough situation, OP. And I am definitely going to talk to my parents tonight about whether or not they have Long Term Health Care Coverage. Thank you for telling your story. You may just help one of us reading avoid your very difficult situation in the future.