SIL Wedding

[Anonymous]

SIL is getting married next year (Spring) and just asked if DD (who will by 9 months old) will be a flower girl. Her fiance also asked DH to be a groomsman. Some background: SIL and I do not get a long. She has resented me for years for "stealing her brother away from the family". When we got married 5 years ago, I asked her to be a bridesmaid and she agreed, only to back out 3 months before the wedding. I am inclined to say no to the flower girl request since a 9 month old is obviously not walking herself down the aisle. I told DH it's up to him if he wants to be a groomsman-- we've met SIL's fiance all of 3 times in the year they've been together. Anyways, we're going to see DH's family this weekend for the holiday and I am pretty sure that SIL will be asking again. How do I say no without making her hate me even more? I just don't want my baby paraded down the aisle and find it rather silly to have a baby be a flower girl.

[Anonymous]

Have DH call her up and tell her in advance, that's how you do it!

Seriously, talk with DH tonight after dinner, tell him there's no way you want to deal with having DD be the flower girl, because that really means a ton of work and pressure for you, and ask if he wants to be a groomsman.

Then ask DH how he'd like to tell SIL, because you sure as heck aren't going to do it. If he hasn't done it by this weekend and she asks you, refer her to DH.

[Anonymous]

You know, I am a big fan of picking your battles with difficult family members. Do you want this to be a source of resentment? If you are curious about the logistics of having a 9 month old be a flower girl, why don't you just ask SIL? Now, I have no doubt that she is probably crazy and moody and has never been nice to you, but this is a way to maybe get some goodwill in your relationship with her. You can be the bigger woman here. And it's her wedding, let her have whatever crazy weird stuff she wants. I've heard of stranger things than a baby flower girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL is getting married next year (Spring) and just asked if DD (who will by 9 months old) will be a flower girl. Her fiance also asked DH to be a groomsman. Some background: SIL and I do not get a long. She has resented me for years for "stealing her brother away from the family". When we got married 5 years ago, I asked her to be a bridesmaid and she agreed, only to back out 3 months before the wedding. I am inclined to say no to the flower girl request since a 9 month old is obviously not walking herself down the aisle. I told DH it's up to him if he wants to be a groomsman-- we've met SIL's fiance all of 3 times in the year they've been together. Anyways, we're going to see DH's family this weekend for the holiday and I am pretty sure that SIL will be asking again. How do I say no without making her hate me even more? I just don't want my baby paraded down the aisle and find it rather silly to have a baby be a flower girl.

If you were getting along great with the SIL, I 'd see nothing wrong with the "flower baby". My friend's 14 m.o. toddler was our flower girl and her mom accompanied her to the aisle. She was adorable. Your SIL might be clueless about the developmental milestones, so explain to her that if your baby to be the flower girl, you'd have to accompany her down the aisle.

[Anonymous]

We had our niece be a 'flower girl' at a similar age. She didn't walk down the aisle or really do anything other than wear a very cute dress that coordinated with the colors in the wedding. It was more about recognizing her importance to us than anything else.

[Anonymous]

I really think you should let it go and say yes. It's not worth the drama.

She can either crawl down the aisle or DH can carry her or some other thing. It's up to the bride to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband deal with it - but provide probing questions for him.
..... make sure your SIL understands that 9 month olds nap about 4 hours a day
...... go to bed around 7PM
..... do not walk

So your husband can ask ..... are you thinking of me holding her? Have you recently seen a toddler who did not have a nap and what they are like? Do you want a screaming child to be a part of your wedding?

What is the exit strategy for the screaming child?

[Anonymous]

Wait, the child isn't born yet!?!

[Anonymous]

Most flower girls that age are in wagons or are carried down the aisle. Basically just for pics.

Regardless of your hatred of SIL, you should let her niece be a flower girl. I bet she thinks it's a nice thing to ask.

Conversely if I had a child near that age and they weren't asked to be a flower girl/ring bearer I'd be upset.

[Anonymous]

No way in heck I would want to be bothered with this mess. Heck, I'm in my 40's and would not want to deal with being in a wedding myself, much less having a baby in one. What a headache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your husband deal with it - but provide probing questions for him.
..... make sure your SIL understands that 9 month olds nap about 4 hours a day
...... go to bed around 7PM
..... do not walk

So your husband can ask ..... are you thinking of me holding her? Have you recently seen a toddler who did not have a nap and what they are like? Do you want a screaming child to be a part of your wedding?

What is the exit strategy for the screaming child?

Not to mention, nine months old is a prime age for separation anxiety, so the far better solution is likely having the OP and baby sit out for the wedding ceremony, have a brief appearance at the reception, then maybe have a babysitter upstairs in the hotel room (if the reception's where the hotel is) once Mom puts the baby there to bed and comes back down to the reception.

It's one thing if SIL had a history of behaving like a sane and reasonable person, but the volatility of both SIL and the baby...too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I am a big fan of picking your battles with difficult family members. Do you want this to be a source of resentment? If you are curious about the logistics of having a 9 month old be a flower girl, why don't you just ask SIL? Now, I have no doubt that she is probably crazy and moody and has never been nice to you, but this is a way to maybe get some goodwill in your relationship with her. You can be the bigger woman here. And it's her wedding, let her have whatever crazy weird stuff she wants. I've heard of stranger things than a baby flower girl.

It's obvious. The baby will be sleeping on SIL's train

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had our niece be a 'flower girl' at a similar age. She didn't walk down the aisle or really do anything other than wear a very cute dress that coordinated with the colors in the wedding. It was more about recognizing her importance to us than anything else.

I agree with this. I would ask her what her expectations are for the baby's role. If she just wants her dressed up for photos, have at it. If she is to have a visible role in the event, ask what she wants you to do if little one doesn't cooperate (falls asleep, cries, etc) I wouldn't say no until you understand what she's expecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most flower girls that age are in wagons or are carried down the aisle. Basically just for pics.

Regardless of your hatred of SIL, you should let her niece be a flower girl. I bet she thinks it's a nice thing to ask.

Conversely if I had a child near that age and they weren't asked to be a flower girl/ring bearer I'd be upset.

Really? DH had 5 nieces and 3 nephews. None of them were in our wedding. We each had two people stand up with us and that was it. No one expressed any feelings of being left out.

[Anonymous]

His family his conversation. Let your DH know that you're really not comfortable committing DD to being a flower girl (I mean seriously - 9 month olds aren't always happy smiling babies!). And have him talk to his sister and let her know that you both have decided that you're not comfortable committing DD to being a flower girl, followed by his response regarding being a groomsman. After that the conversation is closed.