Advice For Someone who Just Lost a Parent

[Anonymous]

My husband lost his father unexpectedly this week. FIL was not sick and was fairly young. Any advice from people who have been through this, any reading material you can suggest? I am at a loss as how to help him. I am just trying to be supportive and give him space to grieve but if you have any helpful advice please pass it on.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry- its a dark road. My father died of a heart attack when he was 60-- it was a complete shock and I feel for what you all are going through.
The book that I found to be the most helpful was "how to go on living when someone you love dies"
http://www.amazon.com/Living-When-Someone-Love-Dies/dp/0553352695

She talks about the differences in losing someone suddenly and losing someone after an illness and that was helpful to me.
I was basically in deep grief for a year- and unable to function for the first few weeks. I went to a grief therapist after about 8 months, and found that helpful. Around here there is the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing--they are a wonderful resource.

I have to say that I feel like it was a major defining event in my life, but that somehow with time (it was 7 1/2 years ago), I have moved on. It was years before I could set foot in the grocery store where I first got the news- even though its my closest store.
My husband gave me an empty journal and I have used that to write down any little (or big) thing that I remember about him- my husband also wrote in it to keep his memory real for our kids. I kept all the condolence cards and everything written about him in one spot, so I can immerse myself when I need to. But that need has gotten less and less.
I am so sorry for your loss. Somehow time does make it less painful.

[Anonymous]

contact your local hospice. they are fabulous.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had some good advice to pass on. All I can share is that my dad died at the age of 63 one month after my dd was born. I was struck by how much him dying was like childbirth.

You know that it's going to happen around a certain time and you want to pick the day, but you can't (unless you're doing a c section of course).

It hurts like hell and you wish you had drugs. (I did a natural childbirth)

And it makes you realize how little control you actually have over anything in this world. How much we fool ourselves into thinking we have control when we don't.

sorry, probably not helpful but my heart goes out to your husband. It really sucked losing my father. He was the least screwed up of our four parents and I was really mad at him for going first! I will love him forever.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would caution about giving space. That can be misinterpreted as distant or detached. That is from a personal experience of mine which is too painful and long to write about.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the advice. I am also expecting in May and am feeling such a sad feeling over death and birth. I was very close to my FIL but trying to take care of my husband, who in turn has kinda been forced to take care of FIL's girlfriend of 5 years.

Watching the GF is killing me. My husband can't grieve and is constantly listening to how bad she feels. She is at our house now, doesn't want to leave. Wants to stay for 13 weeks, even though I am due in 12 weeks (in addition to toddler we have already) and my husband's mother will be staying with us. I am trying really hard to be selfless and kind but I want to take care of my husband and family, get ready for the baby, start turning the guest room into a nursery, etc. Kinda move on and get back to normal. She also doesn't want their dog anymore, so we inherit another dog I am not prepared for, nor do I want.

What do I do? Ride it out? Put foot down? Keep my mouth shut. DH doesn't want her here persay but he feels too bad to send her back home. And I can understand she doesn't want to be alone but she has a HUGE family. Help. I want my husband to recover, grieve, get back to normal. What do we do?

[Anonymous]

No profound words of advice but I lost both of my parents when I was a teenager and the best piece of advice I got was to let the memories of the good times help guide me through the bad ones. I'm not sure why but that resonated with me at the time.

I think the journal is an excellent idea. I wish that we'd written down and preserved all the memories/photos/videos etc in one spot so that I don't have to rely on my memory to teach my kids about their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

There are a flood of emotions at the sudden loss (or even not so sudden loss) of a parent - or at least that is what I experienced with the sudden loss of my father.

For me, I felt like it was different phases. Sometimes I felt angry, sometimes lonely, sometimes empty, sometimes even peaceful (since I was praying for his soul). I let all those feelings run their course. My DH knows me well enough to know when to leave me alone and when to come in and hug and reminesce. My DD was only 3 mo. so I was compounded of being a new mom on top of the grief making things more complex (and knowing that my DD won't ever "know" her grandfather, play with him, play horsee, etc.).

I didn't believe people when they said time will heal. It seemed like no amount of time could do such a thing, but it actually does. You pick up the pieces and move on. You have to actually.

It was difficult at first to talk about, but now it is actually comforting to talk about my dad. When certain things come up, like a particular tv show or something we say that "Dad would've loved that". DD is still too young to understand, but we show her pictures. At least it is something.

[Anonymous]

I am a counselor and have used them.

http://www.wendtcenter.org/

[Anonymous]

I lost my father when I was 13, and besides all of the other great suggestions PPs have given I would suggest to familiarize yourself with the stages of grief. This helped me to understand where my feelings where coming from, and understand that it was necessary to go through them. This may provide some more info on that: http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html

Last year when I was pregnant, a family member suddenly committed suicide. A coworker told me that there is a belief that when a family member passes away while another member of the family is pregnant that the good qualities are "passes along" to the baby. I'm not sure if this is relevant or not, but I thought it was a special way to think about the cycle of life, importance of family, and honor the person who has passed.

[Anonymous]

i lost my dad three years ago a few months after my son was born. he had been sick but the end was much quicker than we imagined. i think it throws off your sense of balance in life for a long time. you know this will happen and you know everyone will die, but losing a parent makes you REALLY know it. so it's dealing with both the sadness of losing the parent and the reality of death. in some ways having a young child helped: makes you deal with the present, the immediacy of a child's needs. what does make me the saddest is how much my dad would have enjoyed and adored my son...and how much my son would have adored my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i lost my dad three years ago a few months after my son was born. he had been sick but the end was much quicker than we imagined. i think it throws off your sense of balance in life for a long time. you know this will happen and you know everyone will die, but losing a parent makes you REALLY know it. so it's dealing with both the sadness of losing the parent and the reality of death. in some ways having a young child helped: makes you deal with the present, the immediacy of a child's needs. what does make me the saddest is how much my dad would have enjoyed and adored my son...and how much my son would have adored my dad.

This is exatly how I feel. I cannot believe my father in law will not be here to enjoy his grandchildren. My toddler adored him and asks for him all the time which makes us very sad.

[Anonymous]

I just lost my father one month ago - but the only difference is that he was ill so I was not surprised when it happened.
I think that just being there for your husband, understanding that his moods will change and just ask him - what can I do?? It can be nothing, it can be just to listen, it can be to give him some space, It is hard to say not knowing his personality but sometimes we do not even know what we want. Also - tell your husband how much you love him and be strong for him. Dont cry too much or be dramatic - just neutral and warm. It is a sad time, I am sorry for your loss.