Do you choose your child's friends?

[Anonymous]

Or steer them to/from certain children? Why or why not?

I am curious, I seem to notice parents, at mid-elementary level, still trying to influence with whom their child spends time; even if there is nothing "negative" about the children. They are good kids. Doesn't this seem too old to be hovering?

Is it a cultural thing?

[Anonymous]

If I had a concern about a child I might try to be proactive. But how could a parent choose a child's friends at school?

[Anonymous]

DD is 11 and a rising 6th grader. I encourage certain friendships by saying "Do you want me to ask Larla's dad if he can sign her up for this cooking camp so the two of you can go together?" or "Shall I ask Larla's mom if she wants to meet us at the market and then go ice skating with you?"

DD knows which of her friends I dislike and why. If those friends invite her to activities or they play at school, fine. But I won't spend time with those kids or encourage them spending time together.

[Anonymous]

Encourage play dates, etc. with kids more into activities I want to encourage in my own son.

For example, I don't encourage play dates with kids who play violent video games. So that kid may very well be a great kid. But if all they do is play video games and inappropriate ones at that, no, I'm not letting my kid play over there. They can come to my house, or go to a movie or something.

[Anonymous]

I really try to let my kids pick their own friends. (they are 9 and 12). Even if they aren't the ones my friends pick for their kids or aren't popular. That's how they learn whether they are good judges of character or what to look for in a friend. I have never had either of my kids pick horrible kids and eventually they end up with ones they share interests in from their perspective, not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 11 and a rising 6th grader. I encourage certain friendships by saying "Do you want me to ask Larla's dad if he can sign her up for this cooking camp so the two of you can go together?" or "Shall I ask Larla's mom if she wants to meet us at the market and then go ice skating with you?"

DD knows which of her friends I dislike and why. If those friends invite her to activities or they play at school, fine. But I won't spend time with those kids or encourage them spending time together.

If you don't mind me asking, but how often do you do this? Is your child pairing up with a school friend to do an activity together at least once a week?
I ask because my DD wants a friend CONSTANTLY. She (11, too) has 3 friends she does outside-of-school stuff with, so I sometimes feel we are bugging them with invitations and they rarely reciprocate. (Maybe these families are home-bodies. IDK.)

[Anonymous]

I steer a little bit. For example, ds came home from one play date and ALL they did (all the boy wanted to do) was watch tv. ds said the mom put a bunch of games on the floor right before i picked up. to make it look like they played them. another boy seemed nice at playdates and the family was fun, but ds said the boy was really unruly at school and the teachers didn't like him. another boy had lice a few times and just looked unkempt. we're in a neighboorhood with 1-4 million $ houses, lots of parental time etc etc, so i'm a little less forgiving on those 3 boys then if we were in a situation where everyone's working 2 jobs, is doing amazing with what they have, etc. flame away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I steer a little bit. For example, ds came home from one play date and ALL they did (all the boy wanted to do) was watch tv. ds said the mom put a bunch of games on the floor right before i picked up. to make it look like they played them. another boy seemed nice at playdates and the family was fun, but ds said the boy was really unruly at school and the teachers didn't like him. another boy had lice a few times and just looked unkempt. we're in a neighboorhood with 1-4 million $ houses, lots of parental time etc etc, so i'm a little less forgiving on those 3 boys then if we were in a situation where everyone's working 2 jobs, is doing amazing with what they have, etc. flame away!

You do realize that lice doesn't come from being "unkempt," don't you? And money is actually not a proven remedy for it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or steer them to/from certain children? Why or why not?

I am curious, I seem to notice parents, at mid-elementary level, still trying to influence with whom their child spends time; even if there is nothing "negative" about the children. They are good kids. Doesn't this seem too old to be hovering?

Is it a cultural thing?

Nope. For many parents it's a control thing.

I've always let my kids choose their own friends and all three have a nice group of them. What shocked me when my kids were in elementary school was how much who the parents liked to socialize with affected who their kids got to play with. I saw this going on all the way till 6th grade, when many kids actually clued in and pushed back so they could hang out with kids they actually liked. I get why parents did this, but think it was a little selfish.

[Anonymous]

I think kids choose to be friends with kids who have similar tastes and interests.

Since parents are steering the kids towards such tastes and interests right from the time they are born, (consciously or unconsciously), I guess parents do influence their kids choice in friends to some degree.

It is rare that I am not friends with the parents of my kids.

[Anonymous]

My child is 14 and found out one of his friends was smoking pot and having sex and I stopped contact. If they see each other incidentally, like at a friends, fine but no friendship where we invite this child over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 11 and a rising 6th grader. I encourage certain friendships by saying "Do you want me to ask Larla's dad if he can sign her up for this cooking camp so the two of you can go together?" or "Shall I ask Larla's mom if she wants to meet us at the market and then go ice skating with you?"

DD knows which of her friends I dislike and why. If those friends invite her to activities or they play at school, fine. But I won't spend time with those kids or encourage them spending time together.

If you don't mind me asking, but how often do you do this? Is your child pairing up with a school friend to do an activity together at least once a week?
I ask because my DD wants a friend CONSTANTLY. She (11, too) has 3 friends she does outside-of-school stuff with, so I sometimes feel we are bugging them with invitations and they rarely reciprocate. (Maybe these families are home-bodies. IDK.)

Dd is an extrovert and I try to be cognizant of that even though I'm an introvert. For now being with me still counts as fun for her luckily. Maybe 4 times in 7 days she's got something going on with a friend? I don't feel like we're bugging people, because they contact us too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I steer a little bit. For example, ds came home from one play date and ALL they did (all the boy wanted to do) was watch tv. ds said the mom put a bunch of games on the floor right before i picked up. to make it look like they played them. another boy seemed nice at playdates and the family was fun, but ds said the boy was really unruly at school and the teachers didn't like him. another boy had lice a few times and just looked unkempt. we're in a neighboorhood with 1-4 million $ houses, lots of parental time etc etc, so i'm a little less forgiving on those 3 boys then if we were in a situation where everyone's working 2 jobs, is doing amazing with what they have, etc. flame away!

damn.

[Anonymous]

I definitely provide more "logistical support" for some friendships than others, but there isn't much you can do to make your child like/dislike a particular friend without being an a-hole about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or steer them to/from certain children? Why or why not?

I am curious, I seem to notice parents, at mid-elementary level, still trying to influence with whom their child spends time; even if there is nothing "negative" about the children. They are good kids. Doesn't this seem too old to be hovering?

Is it a cultural thing?

Nope. For many parents it's a control thing.

I've always let my kids choose their own friends and all three have a nice group of them. What shocked me when my kids were in elementary school was how much who the parents liked to socialize with affected who their kids got to play with. I saw this going on all the way till 6th grade, when many kids actually clued in and pushed back so they could hang out with kids they actually liked. I get why parents did this, but think it was a little selfish.

Hmmm. Seems like kids need to understand that just as they have preferences for friends, so do their parents. I am not going to ensure that every time I entertain that the guest list is exclusively dictated by my children's friends.