Tips for therapy with a parent

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I am looking for advice and tips as I've never done therapy before. I feel it is necessary now to maintain any relationship with my mother.

I am the poster from a few weeks ago whose mom didn't want to go to my graduation. She got very upset at me this weekend and started yelling at me and telling me what to do. My brother and dad intervened. I calmly said I was going to leave and she demanded I stay and then followed me into the hall.

I was pretty much at my breaking point before, but I am not going to tolerate being shouted at incessantly.

I don't really want to see her until therapy. However, I am not sure if this is a reasonable request. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells around her; now even more so. Do I get a therapist and start going (I've wanted to anyway?) should I have a separate therapist for just my mom and myself? Can your personal (individual) therapist also be your family therapist?

Also, any general tips on making the therapy successful would be greatly appreciated. I have a lot of anger, and just want to have somewhat of a functional relationship.

Thank you for any help.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Realized I should say I'm in my 20s, financially independent and live in the same city as my parents but not with them.

[Anonymous]

I don't think one therapist can serve in a dual role. It has to be either joint or separate.

I remember your thread from before, and I would say in my completely amateur opinion that you should go to therapy on your own first. You have to really understand what you want out of your relationship with your mom before you actively try to work on it, and right now it seems you're confused about your goals.

I think it's great that you're taking the first step! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think one therapist can serve in a dual role. It has to be either joint or separate.

I remember your thread from before, and I would say in my completely amateur opinion that you should go to therapy on your own first. You have to really understand what you want out of your relationship with your mom before you actively try to work on it, and right now it seems you're confused about your goals.

I think it's great that you're taking the first step! Good luck!

OP here. I think you're right. Thanks. I am not even sure what type of therapist/ therapy to look for then, for myself... General therapy? Would it be psychotherapy? Ay, I am quite ignorant of my options.

[Anonymous]

No advice, just support. I went to a counselor at my church about the problems I was having, and it was very helpful. I tried to address some of the issues with my parents but their response was "we don't do that!" Plus I live far away so it didn't make sense to do counseling with them. But the counseling helped me establish the needed boundaries.

That's my experience - it would be great if my parents could get help, but I'm not the person to make them do it. Besides, my siblings and other family members don't see any problems so nobody else would support them going.

It sounds like your dad and brother see your mom in a similar way you do, is that correct? If so, they may be able to help you in encouraging your mom to do therapy either with you or separately. But go by yourself first.

I'm not saying you should do a church/religion-based counseling/therapy. That's just what worked for me because of my world view.

A good book to read is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. There's a section in there about finding an older woman or man to sort of take the role of the parent that you're having difficulties with--I think that's horrible advice and I suggest to everyone to just ignore that part. But most other parts are practical. It does have Bible verses in it, but regardless it is practical boundary-setting information.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you should seek out psychotherapy. You can look for someone on the Psychology Today website.

[Anonymous]

Start a thread asking for referrals to a therapist in whatever area would be convient for you, and then see if any of them are covered by your insurance. There are different degrees/credentials, but any of them should be experienced with family conflicts like this (licensed independent clinical social worker, psychologist, MA in counseling, etc.). Does your mother even have any interest in joint counseling? I think your priority should be individual counseling. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all the support.

My brother and dad do see the problems with her behavior. My dad told her she cannot talk to me like that. He doesn't usually step up as strongly as he did. I talked to my brother after the previous (graduation) issue and how I feel about her in general and he said he agrees with me and often feels the same.

I talked to my dad today and he said he would feel her out re: therapy in a few days. I think she has seen someone before, for anger, but years ago.

I called a few therapists today, hoping to start individual therapy soon.