Feeling odd about my DD's money

[Anonymous]

So my ex husband and I divorced 8 years ago. We have one amazing DD together. We mutually agreed on 7200 a month in child support based on a percentage of his earnings. That amount has never gone up or down and he has always paid right on time. My childcare expenses have never been that high so for most of the past 8 years I have put between 4-5k a month into a savings plan for her. I didn't really know what I would use it for but I knew it wasn't "my" money and just wanted to do the right thing and put it away for her. My EX and I are having a meeting this summer to discus high school and college tuition. I feel like I have a moral obligation to offer this money towards it but I also fee like its ok to keep it for her to use later in life (like first house or graduate school)? Should I tell EX about this money? It is technically his money and I would never use it for myself but I kind of look at it as her money? I am putting this in off topic because its not really about the money itself as it is about who's it is and whom should control it?? Any insight is appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him. Offer 1/2 for college and the other 1/2 for a wedding, retirement account for when she is older or a house. You sound like a great mom.

[Anonymous]

No no no. Don't tell him! Save it for something else.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you should consult a lawyer about this before meeting your ex-spouse.

Morally, it seems as if the accumulated child support should be used to some extent. Based on what your ex-husband is prepared to give, you could try to match it or at least contribute some portion of the costs while still keeping a significant amount for DD later on.

If you are afraid that he will want to decrease his child support if he knows that it was not actually needed all these years, maybe you should not divulge how you are going to pay your portion of the costs.

[Anonymous]

What did you guys work out in terms of paying for HS and college? It seems like if you decided that each of you would pay for half of these expenses, then you can use this money to pay your half. I don't see why you would feel obligated to pay for your Ex's half out of this money. Certainly he has a plan for how he is going to pay his half. One of the things you could agree going forwards that part of the CS that he is currently paying goes to pay for tuition. But, the money that you banked before there was a tuition payment is your DD's for the future.

[Anonymous]

OP, do your DD a favor and put 1/2 in mutual funds, by 18 and if this amount continues, she'll have 1.5 million. seriously

[Anonymous]

Why would you tell HIM about it?

[Anonymous]

This is exactly what the money is for....HER, and college is a great use of it. Did your divorce agreement not spell out who would be paying for college?

I would think it irresponsible to dump a load of cash money on a young girl anyways. So giving it physically to her would be dumb.

Yea...and no money for a wedding...you of all people should know what a big fat waste that is.

[Anonymous]

legally isn't the recipient of the child support (i.e. the mother in this case) entitled to use it all as she sees fit? I've never heard of saving what you don't spend on childcare related expenses?? In fact doesn't child support usually go towards mortgages and car payments and other household expenses?

[Anonymous]

It's not his money. It is her money and your money. Child support isn't just for childcare- it is for food, shelter, books, computer, classes, braces, glasses, etc. Of course, you should be paying for half of that too.

I would not open the meeting with the fact that you have thousands of dollars saved. Are you guys doing private for high school? How have expensive things like this usually worked out? You each pay half?

Personally, I would save it for her until she is an adult- not 18 yrs old but old enough to understand the value of money and to not blow it on a brand new sports car or expensive handbag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do your DD a favor and put 1/2 in mutual funds, by 18 and if this amount continues, she'll have 1.5 million. seriously

What an awesome gift to receive from your parents. Maybe at college graduation or at 25. Enough money to truly establish yourself in life. Enough money to be able to do what you love, not what pays the bills. Enough money to come into a marriage with assets. Enough money for DD to be a SAHM for a few years if she wanted.....what a great gift to your future grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Only you know your ex spouse. But you have several more years before college. What if he thinks that you don't need what you're getting, and drastically reduces payments? You would then need this reserve for child support. Talk to him about tuition, and see what he proposes. You can say "yes, I can cover x amount" and take that from your reserve.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell. If you spend that money now it won't be there for the future. He appears to be rolling in money anyway.

[Anonymous]

PP here- I would not give it to her for a wedding or her first house. Invest it. See what happens in her life. Maybe she will need money for infertility treatments. Maybe something terrible will happen and she can use it. Maybe you will leave her an awesome inheritance- something that can continue to grow and benefit generations down the line.

Do not tell your ex.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you view this as "technically his money". I view it as technically your DD's money. Your ex agreed to the payments for the benefit of your DD. I'm sure he knows there is no way you could've used that on a monthly basis. Has he asked for an accounting of the funds? If your child support agreement extends through college, then this money shouldn't be needed for college. I would save it for DD for graduate school or a down payment (I'm anti big wedding so I wouldn't suggest that).