anyone's mother in law not like you because of your job and/or weight?

[Anonymous]

My mother in law is an interesting woman for sure. We have never clicked but are polite to one another. I spent my entire life skinny and healthy and then in my last two years of college got hit with some major health issues.

I was diagnosed with heart problems and thyroid issues and haven't been allowed to work out and am on crazy medication to get it under control. I had to quit school to focus on recovery and as a result I have gained weight. I met her during the weight gain period and I am working as a nanny to make ends meet until I can finish degree.

I found out recently that she doesn't approve of me because I am "fat" and have no future.she mentioned that she thought her son was depressed still over a bad breakup he had years ago and if his self esteem was better he would have never married someone like "me".

I haven't said anything to DH about this new discovery, which I heard thru a mutual friend of all of ours after too many drinks. I am so hurt and disgusted. Its not like were dating. Were married and I'm here to stay. I also have known my husband since we were little and he has always liked me. We reconnected in the height of illness and he is so supportive and wonderful.

I am finally getting my life back on track but her dislike of things beyond my control is upsetting. I lost my mother at a young age so I have always had this ideal of an in law relationship where I could feel close to another mom figure. It obviously isn't gonna happen here. Just was curious if anyone else went through this kind of situation. Not really sure how to separate what I know she thinks of me with polite visits to maintain. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

keep your head up. your personal story is interesting, but really all MIL think the girls their boys/sons pick are NOT good enough. you will never be good enough for her.
this is true of most mother in laws. when you have a kid she will judge your parenting too. learn to not take it to heart. if it wasn't your job or weight it would be something else.
if she already gets to you like this it will be a long road for you. just learn to ignore the negativity now. I repeat - she will never think you are good enough. most MILs act like this, you are just more in tune and caring about what she says. ignore - repeat.

[Anonymous]

Yep this is typical MIL stuff. They never think their DILs are good enough. Just ignore, ignore, ignore and have your DH brag more about you to his mom. This is what we do and so far it works great. Never mention bad things to parents, only the good. (They hold on to the bad things forever and can't forgive/forget).

[Anonymous]

She'll die one of these days. Just hold on to that happy thought.

[Anonymous]

Remember you don't actually know exactly what she said or the context. Maybe it wasn't as bad as you think.

[Anonymous]

The main thing you can do is adjust your expectations of your relationship with your MIL way, way down. And now you know not to trust her as a friend.

And I would mention the conversation to DH: "You know, honey, Jane said your mother said x about me. I find it puzzling...I never realized your mom had such a low opinion of me. Or does Jane have something against your mom? It really bothered me, and I'll admit it makes me feel weird about our next visit. Any insight?"

[Anonymous]

Mine didn't like me because of my job but in the other direction from what you describe. She didn't like that I had a professional job that required long hours and travel because it meant I wasn't always available to tend to her son's needs. I just lived my life and didn't worry about it. Eventually she came around. And as another PP noted eventually she passed away.

If you are satisfied with your weight and profession then don't worry about it - your MILs views shouldn't change your satisfaction. It's not clear that's what you think that though, so if that's the case then do something about it because it's what you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:keep your head up. your personal story is interesting, but really all MIL think the girls their boys/sons pick are NOT good enough. you will never be good enough for her.
this is true of most mother in laws. when you have a kid she will judge your parenting too. learn to not take it to heart. if it wasn't your job or weight it would be something else.
if she already gets to you like this it will be a long road for you. just learn to ignore the negativity now. I repeat - she will never think you are good enough. most MILs act like this, you are just more in tune and caring about what she says. ignore - repeat.

I really disagree with this. I have seen a lot of great DIL/MIL relationships in my extended family precisely because this is not the case. I doubt my family is somehow magically the only functional one out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:keep your head up. your personal story is interesting, but really all MIL think the girls their boys/sons pick are NOT good enough. you will never be good enough for her.
this is true of most mother in laws. when you have a kid she will judge your parenting too. learn to not take it to heart. if it wasn't your job or weight it would be something else.
if she already gets to you like this it will be a long road for you. just learn to ignore the negativity now. I repeat - she will never think you are good enough. most MILs act like this, you are just more in tune and caring about what she says. ignore - repeat.

I really disagree with this. I have seen a lot of great DIL/MIL relationships in my extended family precisely because this is not the case. I doubt my family is somehow magically the only functional one out there.

I disagree also. My MIL is amazing. I've gone through weight ups and downs and she has never said a word or been anything other than supportive and incredible in all aspects.

[Anonymous]

Stay calm, be pleasant, live your life. As long as DH has your back, don't worry about it.
In my experience, the problem comes from sons actually choosing the woman THEY want, rather than choosing the type of spouse that Mom would choose for them....if Mom can't get past that, conflict ensues. Be the person your DH chose--that is more important, by far, than trying to fit into whatever ideal your MIL has in her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She'll die one of these days. Just hold on to that happy thought.

+1

[Anonymous]

I clicked on this thread after going through a couple of pages of the "do you think your husband will divorce you SAHMs?" The divorce statistic was cited a couple of times- first as the generally misunderstood 50% of marriages end in divorce, then later multiple times by those who cited more specific statistics.That is, marrying later, college educated, etc etc the divorce rate in some circles is much more like 20%.

So, then I read this thread, and here's what I'll say, bluntly:
- you are young, and married young
- you have not finished college, and you are not healthy
- your divorce possibilities are higher than average based on those two facts alone.
- so a "friend" after too many drinks tells you your MIL doesn't like you because you are fat and underemployed.
- in-law issues are a contributor to divorces.

Meanwhile:
- you and MIL have a polite relationship and you had no idea she might not like you
- you have no context other than drunken blurting for your MIL's supposed dislike.

Here's my advice:
Live your life. Ignore this info from your supposed friend. Focus on your life, your marriage, your health, your education. Keep your priorities straight and your focus on remaining in a healthy marriage and all the rest of it is just noise that doesn't matter.

If you focus on the negative, you will lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The main thing you can do is adjust your expectations of your relationship with your MIL way, way down. And now you know not to trust her as a friend.

And I would mention the conversation to DH: "You know, honey, Jane said your mother said x about me. I find it puzzling...I never realized your mom had such a low opinion of me. Or does Jane have something against your mom? It really bothered me, and I'll admit it makes me feel weird about our next visit. Any insight?"

That way he will understand why you want to limit your time w MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I clicked on this thread after going through a couple of pages of the "do you think your husband will divorce you SAHMs?" The divorce statistic was cited a couple of times- first as the generally misunderstood 50% of marriages end in divorce, then later multiple times by those who cited more specific statistics.That is, marrying later, college educated, etc etc the divorce rate in some circles is much more like 20%.

So, then I read this thread, and here's what I'll say, bluntly:
- you are young, and married young
- you have not finished college, and you are not healthy
- your divorce possibilities are higher than average based on those two facts alone.
- so a "friend" after too many drinks tells you your MIL doesn't like you because you are fat and underemployed.
- in-law issues are a contributor to divorces.

Meanwhile:
- you and MIL have a polite relationship and you had no idea she might not like you
- you have no context other than drunken blurting for your MIL's supposed dislike.

Excellent analysis, PP. MIL is the least of OP's problems. Maybe time to pay attention to some of the other stuff?

Here's my advice:
Live your life. Ignore this info from your supposed friend. Focus on your life, your marriage, your health, your education. Keep your priorities straight and your focus on remaining in a healthy marriage and all the rest of it is just noise that doesn't matter.

If you focus on the negative, you will lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I clicked on this thread after going through a couple of pages of the "do you think your husband will divorce you SAHMs?" The divorce statistic was cited a couple of times- first as the generally misunderstood 50% of marriages end in divorce, then later multiple times by those who cited more specific statistics.That is, marrying later, college educated, etc etc the divorce rate in some circles is much more like 20%.

So, then I read this thread, and here's what I'll say, bluntly:
- you are young, and married young
- you have not finished college, and you are not healthy
- your divorce possibilities are higher than average based on those two facts alone.
- so a "friend" after too many drinks tells you your MIL doesn't like you because you are fat and underemployed.
- in-law issues are a contributor to divorces.

Meanwhile:
- you and MIL have a polite relationship and you had no idea she might not like you
- you have no context other than drunken blurting for your MIL's supposed dislike.

Here's my advice:
Live your life. Ignore this info from your supposed friend. Focus on your life, your marriage, your health, your education. Keep your priorities straight and your focus on remaining in a healthy marriage and all the rest of it is just noise that doesn't matter.

If you focus on the negative, you will lose.

Excellent analysis, PP. OP should focus on things she can change, not MIL who may or may not have made alleged statements. Maybe ditch the drunken friend, too.