Do You Not Talk to One or Both of Your Parents?

[Anonymous]

Do you not talk to one or both of your parents? Do you feel happy with your decision? How do you explain why you don't talk to them to your kids?

[Anonymous]

Sadly I've got a lot of this going on in my family. Not me. I don't love my parents and never will. They are emotionally abusive but can be dealt with using appropriate boundaries. Time is limited. I call them out on bad behavior. I don't leave my kids with them, etc.

However, others have cut ties with them or with other fathers in the family. Some estrangements are due to parental alienation stemming from bad divorces. Mom pressures kids not to talk to dad, or not to choose dad over her, etc. I have no idea how they explain that to their kids "Grandma doesn't want us talking to Grandpa, so we don't." ?

If someone chooses not to speak to their parents for abuse reasons, toxic mental health issues beyond your control, etc. I think that's pretty easy to explain to the kids.

"We don't see Grandma because she has a disease called alcoholism, and that makes her unsafe to be around."

"We don't see Grandma because she has some mental health issues that make her very mean. I've tried my best to have a healthy relationship, but right now we can't. You, Daddy, and I treat each other with respect even when we are mad, and that's how everyone should be. I am not putting up with mean behavior." Or whatever. Tailored to kids' ages and maturity.

The estrangements that are more at a complicated emotional level that play on deep fears, insecurities, or pain are much more complex. Parents have a unique ability to injure us to the core, even when they are trying to be good parents. Nobody is perfect. In these situations, I'd try my hardest to establish appropriate boundaries without cutting them off. And if I've cut them off, I'd try to reevaluate to see if it's necessary. Because I was amazed to see how wonderful a relationship my nephew has with my dad. Completely different from my relationship with my dad. As if Dad was able to start off new with a baby and be somewhat human and actually kind. He's still not nice to me, but I enjoy extended family time watching the two of them together.

None of this is meant to say anyone should take abuse for the sake of their kids. Don't ever do that. But maybe there is a way to find a little neutral zone in the family emotional mess that many of us deal with.

[Anonymous]

I'm not quite where you sound like you are OP, but I have one parent with whom I have an extremely limited relationship. I have spent years creating, maintaining, reinforcing pretty stiff boundaries so that I can have a relationship with him, without it being hurtful to me.

For several reasons I haven't totally severed the relationship, but I refuse to let it be a significant part of my life. I have limited interaction, no significant discussion of any "life issue", no solicitation of or listening to opinions, I don't stay with them when I visit, etc...

I only have young children so I haven't had to answer tough questions yet, but I am positive that the day is not too far off that I have to draw hard lines about interactions with my kids. It's only a question of when, not if, so my husband and I have spent time talking about that to make sure we're on the same page and ready when it comes.

These things are so difficult, and often filled with so much gray space. Things can evolve over time also, so it's possible that relationships can ease gently to allow for some interaction w/ kids/grandparents.

But do whatever is best for you and your children.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a relationship with my mother, and haven't since I was a teen. My oldest kid isn't even 3 yet so there's nothing to explain. But when she's a girl if she asks I'll just say we're not close. Some people stay close with each other and some don't. We didn't. But i hope she and I ALWAYS stay close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly I've got a lot of this going on in my family. Not me. I don't love my parents and never will. They are emotionally abusive but can be dealt with using appropriate boundaries. Time is limited. I call them out on bad behavior. I don't leave my kids with them, etc.

However, others have cut ties with them or with other fathers in the family. Some estrangements are due to parental alienation stemming from bad divorces. Mom pressures kids not to talk to dad, or not to choose dad over her, etc. I have no idea how they explain that to their kids "Grandma doesn't want us talking to Grandpa, so we don't." ?

If someone chooses not to speak to their parents for abuse reasons, toxic mental health issues beyond your control, etc. I think that's pretty easy to explain to the kids.

"We don't see Grandma because she has a disease called alcoholism, and that makes her unsafe to be around."

"We don't see Grandma because she has some mental health issues that make her very mean. I've tried my best to have a healthy relationship, but right now we can't. You, Daddy, and I treat each other with respect even when we are mad, and that's how everyone should be. I am not putting up with mean behavior." Or whatever. Tailored to kids' ages and maturity.

The estrangements that are more at a complicated emotional level that play on deep fears, insecurities, or pain are much more complex. Parents have a unique ability to injure us to the core, even when they are trying to be good parents. Nobody is perfect. In these situations, I'd try my hardest to establish appropriate boundaries without cutting them off. And if I've cut them off, I'd try to reevaluate to see if it's necessary. Because I was amazed to see how wonderful a relationship my nephew has with my dad. Completely different from my relationship with my dad. As if Dad was able to start off new with a baby and be somewhat human and actually kind. He's still not nice to me, but I enjoy extended family time watching the two of them together.

None of this is meant to say anyone should take abuse for the sake of their kids. Don't ever do that. But maybe there is a way to find a little neutral zone in the family emotional mess that many of us deal with.

I am going to have to steal this. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I tell DD that my father is not a nice person and therefore he is not in my life. Occasionally she'll ask HOW is he not nice, but I keep it vague and don't really answer. At some point I may just have to tell her that it's something I'll explain to her when she's a grown up.