Watching my mother manage her money makes me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Yesterday my mother bought a brand new Lexus. Her boyfriend convinced her she needed a Lexus (instead of a honda) and her brother convinced it her it had to be BRAND new. This would be all great if I didn't constantly hear about how she doesn't have the money for xy or z (buy a grill, repaint the house, fix the basement, whatever - not as dire as pay the electrical bill).

Similarly last christmas it was decided that we would go to the beach (driving distance from my hometown) instead of christmas gifts from my mom. This was a lovely thought intended to steer the family in a less materialistic direction. We were thinking small and simple. Then my moms boyfriend convinces her to rent the most expensive freaking house on the most expensive real estate in GA (sea island). Before the end of the year, she hands me a check for my sons 529 that she generously contributes to. However it was about 75% less than the original amount. When I inquired why she said she had to pay for the beach house. I had no idea that I was choosing between a beach trip and my sons 529. To top it off, the beach requires us to buy passes which are $350/person. So this easy beach trip is now costing my family over 1k.

She decided to buy a crib for my son for her house which was very nice of her. Then she decided to buy the same one as me (that I had bought second hand at a deep discount). So she orders it from the manufacturer for $700. They call back and say crib won't arrive until June (we aren't slated to visit until September), but they have a more expensive crib that's available now! ($900). Well of course she says okay. Again all first world problems, but some days it's like watching her shred money.

I keep saying MYOB MYOB. This is her life not yours. This is her money not yours. It just feels so wrong and is so hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

In addition, she constantly seeks my approval. So for example, I've told her that I think she could have bought a car for much less. Or a beach house for much less or a crib for much less.

Any disapproval of her spending makes her nuts. And then she has to explain on broken record why she HAD to buy x y or z until I agree with her.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that.

MYOB, unless:

1. You think she is going senile and is getting taken advantage of.

2. You really want that 529 money - have a serious conversation:
If she is truly interested in investing in his academic future, it should be a priority for her. Be clear that you would rather receive no gifts rather than have that amount decreased.

[Anonymous]

15:37 again - You don't have to agree with her if you think it's not right. She's forcing you to enable her. Don't.
You can be a broken record just like her, or change the subject. For future discussions, you can always say: "you know I think you tend to overspend on frivolous stuff, so why don't we talk about something else?"

[Anonymous]

NP here. And you definitely don't have to buy the $350/pp passes. Especially if you didn't have that information prior to your mother's making those reservations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Been there, done that.

MYOB, unless:

1. You think she is going senile and is getting taken advantage of.

2. You really want that 529 money - have a serious conversation:
If she is truly interested in investing in his academic future, it should be a priority for her. Be clear that you would rather receive no gifts rather than have that amount decreased.

DO NOT MYOB!!!!

I minded my own business four years ago when my mom ran into difficulties. She is now bankrupt. This is my business! I had to move her out of her house before it got foreclosed (including throw away 30 years of accumulated crap), deal with her creditors, talk to lawyers and CPAs, solve her tax problems, it has been a never-ending pain in the ass.

To my dying day I will always regret not stepping in back four years ago and getting an EXACT picture of her finances, because this never would have happened if I'd known then what I know now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Been there, done that.

MYOB, unless:

1. You think she is going senile and is getting taken advantage of.

2. You really want that 529 money - have a serious conversation:
If she is truly interested in investing in his academic future, it should be a priority for her. Be clear that you would rather receive no gifts rather than have that amount decreased.

DO NOT MYOB!!!!

I minded my own business four years ago when my mom ran into difficulties. She is now bankrupt. This is my business! I had to move her out of her house before it got foreclosed (including throw away 30 years of accumulated crap), deal with her creditors, talk to lawyers and CPAs, solve her tax problems, it has been a never-ending pain in the ass.

To my dying day I will always regret not stepping in back four years ago and getting an EXACT picture of her finances, because this never would have happened if I'd known then what I know now.

And oh by the way, she is not senile, and she was not being taken advantage of. She was (and is) financially clueless and squandered all her money stupidly. It was all her -- she didn't need any scam artists to throw away $500K with both hands!

[Anonymous]

OP,

You need to have a serious talk with your mother about her finances.
a. Why is she being bullied into doing what the boyfriend wants?
b. If you can't afford the $330 pp trip, DON'T GO. But tell her that it's too expensive and you can't afford it. DO NOT LET HER PAY for it either. Let her know you have a budget and if it doesn't fit in your budget, you don't buy it or do it. Perhaps she needs help doing that?
c. Talk to her about what her plan is for her golden years. Let her know you won't be able to support her. There is no reason why she can't support herself if she is blowing money now.

Ant or grasshopper? I'd rather be an ant any day.

[Anonymous]

She's expecting you to pay$350/per person for a beach pass? That's crazy! I don't even spend that much money on my entire family's Christmas gifts.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is my in-laws. They are horrendous with money. Then they love to try to give us advice about money and clearly get annoyed when we don't act on their horrible ideas. I am really nervous about what their financial situation is going to look like when they decide to retire, or if one of them has medical issues that forces retirement.

Since it's not my family I stay out of it. But it does make me incredibly anxious since my DH's sister is a complete financial mess too, so I feel like we'll be penalized in the long run for having our shit together.

Sorry no advice, just some commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Why is your mother contributing to your son's 529 when she is having budgeting issues? Have a discussion about paying yourself first.

[Anonymous]

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

1. Money to 529 is not yours. Totally her business regardless of what she told you. Let it go and save for your own kids college.
2. Boundaries. You set up boundaries that are reasonable for you and let it go. Stupid is not illegal.
3. You may want to say to her that you will not pay for her retirement, etc. and that she should know that as she makes decisions fro herself now. But honestly she has impulse control issues and may not be able to change.
4. Dave Ramsey - build a strong financial foundation for yourself and then you can help her as you see fit (and only then) when she really needs it. Boundaries.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like everything you're talking about involves discretionary spending. If she isn't bouncing checks or being evicted I don't think you get a vote.