How would you handle MIL?

[Anonymous]

We took our 4-month old DC to visit DH's hometown. DH invited his friend and friend's family over, which included 2 boys aged 6 and 8. While the boys were over they were really interested in patting the baby, interacting with the baby, etc. - a bit overwhelming perhaps but I thought it was pretty cute. The kids' mom would tell them to back off when they got too wild with the baby (who was in DH's arms the whole time here - they were just playing with her). I ended up having a chat with the kids' mom who was telling me about her older son having had a stroke and several operations when he was young. Obviously they had been through a lot with him and I thought they were really excellent parents - the kids seemed happy and cute.

As soon as the friends left, MIL starts whining about how annoying the boys were, how annoying it was to have to listen to the mom parent them and why they let them get that wild in the first place, etc. etc., how they were SO irritating she had to even text DH about it... This is not the first time she has been critical of other kids and parents. So, I pointed out to her that her grandchildren (currently 7 and 4 months) were probably going to go through phases like that when they got older. She immediately protested, and started talking about how these kids were not normal, how her grandchildren wouldn't be like these ADD weird kids - which offended me deeply and I said, ok, well, I hope I never have a special needs kid then. That got her to backpedal somewhat, and then oddly she started arguing that the older son wasn't actually special needs... I said, well, didn't he have a stroke when he was a baby? Figuring she knew that already - since I was just meeting these people. She denied that and I was like, ok, whatever - I'm pretty sure his mom was talking to me about him having a stroke as a kid but maybe I misheard.

So then, the next day, MIL EMAILS THE KID'S MOM, and says "Oh, I didn't realize Larlo had a stroke. I thought he seemed totally normal! My rec center has great services for stroke recovery."

DH tells me about this (Because MIL bcc'ed him on the email) and I am LIVID. But of course, I'm not even supposed to know she sent this email. DH ended up telling her to apologize, so I guess that was the right result.

Maybe this is just a vent, but I think DH thought that my initial reaction in response to MIL's bitching was too harsh. What do you think? Any tips for dealing with this kind of thing in the future?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like trying to explain or defend is wasted energy. Maybe you just need some standard responses to shut the conversation down.

"You know, I don't like speaking critically of other people's kids. Can we change the subject?

I thought the boys were charming and appropriately rambuctious for boys. What should we have for dinner?

Jane, I'm really not interested in speculating about their behavior or how they're parented.

Etc...

Stop engaging or thinking you can change her mind. Just aim to shut the conversation down without fueling any more nuttiness.

With practice you'll get good at it and she'll lose the energy to maintain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like trying to explain or defend is wasted energy. Maybe you just need some standard responses to shut the conversation down.

"You know, I don't like speaking critically of other people's kids. Can we change the subject?

I thought the boys were charming and appropriately rambuctious for boys. What should we have for dinner?

Jane, I'm really not interested in speculating about their behavior or how they're parented.

Etc...

Stop engaging or thinking you can change her mind. Just aim to shut the conversation down without fueling any more nuttiness.

With practice you'll get good at it and she'll lose the energy to maintain.

That's good re "I don't like speaking critically..." it's hard to explain why, but it's just hard to find a place to put that kind of response - I will try next time. One time when she was backbiting in a particularly nasty manner (about adults), I was like "man, tough crowd." And everybody looked at me like I had 3 heads. It's so weird to me that DH's family does this, because DH has absolutely no interest in or tendency toward backbiting, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like trying to explain or defend is wasted energy. Maybe you just need some standard responses to shut the conversation down.

"You know, I don't like speaking critically of other people's kids. Can we change the subject?

I thought the boys were charming and appropriately rambuctious for boys. What should we have for dinner?

Jane, I'm really not interested in speculating about their behavior or how they're parented.

Etc...

Stop engaging or thinking you can change her mind. Just aim to shut the conversation down without fueling any more nuttiness.

With practice you'll get good at it and she'll lose the energy to maintain.

This! you went wayyyyyy tooo deep into it with her. Now she has info that she mis-used. Lesson learned. Everyone will get over it, including Larlo's mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like trying to explain or defend is wasted energy. Maybe you just need some standard responses to shut the conversation down.

"You know, I don't like speaking critically of other people's kids. Can we change the subject?

I thought the boys were charming and appropriately rambuctious for boys. What should we have for dinner?

Jane, I'm really not interested in speculating about their behavior or how they're parented.

Etc...

Stop engaging or thinking you can change her mind. Just aim to shut the conversation down without fueling any more nuttiness.

With practice you'll get good at it and she'll lose the energy to maintain.

This! you went wayyyyyy tooo deep into it with her. Now she has info that she mis-used. Lesson learned. Everyone will get over it, including Larlo's mom.

Yeah, I definitely learned my lesson about allowing her access to information she can misuse. Oy.

[Anonymous]

MIL was probably just annoyed she had to share time with the baby and it all came out bad.

[Anonymous]

LIMIT your time with MIL. Why was she with you when visiting friends????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL was probably just annoyed she had to share time with the baby and it all came out bad.

This is an interesting point and probably has some truth to it. I didn't think of that. DH and I agreed after these shenanigans that we're not going to do this invite people over to MIL's house while we're there anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LIMIT your time with MIL. Why was she with you when visiting friends????

Well, it was DH's birthday, he wanted his close friends to meet the baby, so MIL hosted us all for a brunch. So it was really more, why did we invite friends when we were really supposed to be visiting MIL. But yes, point taken.