Mother lamenting "loss" of my sibling

[Anonymous]

Over and over and over and over, like a broken record......

To clarify, sibling is not dead. He destroyed her own life through bad choices and tremendous selfishness and entitlement. Mother gave sibling everything, her life savings, and now I am subjected to how "terrible" things are for them. I have tried confronting the issue head on, telling mother that she can not rewrite history, that sibling's view is slanted and flat out false, that sibling has to do for himself (he is a grown adult), and that mother is enabling, creating further damage for sibling. Mother continues stroking sibling. Rinse and repeat. I am sorry if this is not a clear description, I am so flustered by the insistence of mother putting sibling on a pedestal. Looking for support. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Reading between the lines, is mother hinting that you now must bail out sib?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over and over and over and over, like a broken record......

To clarify, sibling is not dead. He destroyed her own life through bad choices and tremendous selfishness and entitlement. Mother gave sibling everything, her life savings, and now I am subjected to how "terrible" things are for them. I have tried confronting the issue head on, telling mother that she can not rewrite history, that sibling's view is slanted and flat out false, that sibling has to do for himself (he is a grown adult), and that mother is enabling, creating further damage for sibling. Mother continues stroking sibling. Rinse and repeat. I am sorry if this is not a clear description, I am so flustered by the insistence of mother putting sibling on a pedestal. Looking for support. Thanks.

So much empathy, OP. My loving parents (mostly mom) coddled/enabled my brother through multiple trips to rehab, arrests, and stints of unemployment. Brother was completely ungrateful, selfish, and mean. He eventually saw the light and turned his life around. Though I'm so grateful he's changed his life (sober for many years, married with kids), there continues to be an unhealthy dynamic at play with my parents. I feel sorry for my mother, who still sees him as her baby and blames herself, and is still devastated when he treats her poorly. I love my brother and see many wonderful qualities in him, but I have to minimize our interaction. I love my parents and think they are kind and supportive people, but ditto on the interaction. We spend quality time together but I have a lot of boundaries. I would really recommend reading "Codependent No More" for background and insight into these types of relationships, as well as tactics for dealing with them. Bottom line - as you probably know - you will not be able to change them, but I truly believe you can change your relationship with them so your interactions are more positive.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is morning the loss of the child she thought she had, or thinks she raised, since your brother is not panning out to be that person. Sounds like your mother has more of a reason to grieve than the poster a couple months back morning the "loss" of her brother because he got married, had kids, and wasn't available to provide free childcare anymore.

[Anonymous]

MY mom is going through this with her son now. I think she's coming to terms with their lack of boundaries for decades. If your mom is driving you nuts, establish your own boundaries regarding what behavior (whining, emotional dumping) you are willing to deal with, and no more.

Definitely agree with the codependency issue. Might be worth exploring more in self help or therapy. That doesn't mean you have issues necessarily, but awareness and knowledge can help you navigate complex family relationships in a way that's more healthy for everyone. GL

[Anonymous]

I know where you are coming from. I am in a similar situation with my mother and a mentally ill younger brother who is now homeless. My mother is not a pleasant person but she is in pain because her child is in desperate straits and I try, really try to remember that. I would not have made the parenting choices she has, but I recognize that her own mistakes must to some extent be part of her internal dialogue even if she will never articulate it.

[Anonymous]

Denial.

I have a very narcissistic sibling. When he is cruel to my mother, she calls me and gets upset and cries. I ask her what she expects and she always tell me about what a sweet little boy he was. It's hard to take responsibility for bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, is mother hinting that you now must bail out sib?

+1

[Anonymous]

Boundaries OP. I can really identify with the dynamics you're describing and they suck.

Your only healthy (and even viable) option is to really work on establishing some boundaries for what you will/will not discuss, listen to, engage in, support, etc...

I'm reading into things here but you can't save your sibling, you can't save your mother. You CAN decide to what extent it is healthy or feasible for you to be a resource for them, and you can protect yourself from some of the insanity.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is morning the loss of the child she thought she had, or thinks she raised, since your brother is not panning out to be that person. Sounds like your mother has more of a reason to grieve than the poster a couple months back morning the "loss" of her brother because he got married, had kids, and wasn't available to provide free childcare anymore.

LOL
i remember that one. she was upset that her brother was calling her just a few times per week or something.

[Anonymous]

What bothers you -- that your mother is not seeing how bad your sibling is? Is there some rivalry there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What bothers you -- that your mother is not seeing how bad your sibling is? Is there some rivalry there?

OP here. Actually, she does see how bad the sibling is (prior to alcoholism there was no ambition, but plenty of "storytelling"). I think that is what bothers her. She knows her dreams for my sibling will never come true. We don't have anything in common for rivalry, but I do know the sibling does not like me, for some imagined reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denial.

I have a very narcissistic sibling. When he is cruel to my mother, she calls me and gets upset and cries. I ask her what she expects and she always tell me about what a sweet little boy he was. It's hard to take responsibility for bad parenting.

Look. Maybe your mom was a shitty parent but there are many wonderful parents of children with mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Denial.

I have a very narcissistic sibling. When he is cruel to my mother, she calls me and gets upset and cries. I ask her what she expects and she always tell me about what a sweet little boy he was. It's hard to take responsibility for bad parenting.

Look. Maybe your mom was a shitty parent but there are many wonderful parents of children with mental health issues.

Right? And lots of kids with bad parents turn out to be good people. If there was a sure fire way to raise successful happy kids, I'm sure everyone would do it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I forgot to add, parent thinks that sibling is a vessel for all of her hopes and dreams. Sort of the "good" version of her, and everything she wanted to be, had she herself had more ambition.

As if mother put all her hopes and dreams into one (of many) children, only to have it completely blow up in her face.

Make sense? I guess she is an enabler. I have to keep reminding her, as it is getting old hearing about it. While she does not admit it has backfired, she does complain about her. It's tiresome.