Do I get my boss a wedding present?

[Anonymous]

He's been my boss for five years. We get along great, I see him as more of a colleague than my supervisor. We grab lunch together once a week, and outside of work functions we hang out socially maybe twice a year. His soon-to-be wife is a former colleague of mine.

Due to work conflicts - neither of us can really be out of the office at the same time - I wasn't invited to the wedding. Wedding is multiple states away on a Friday evening, so I would have needed to take a day off to be there.

Other colleagues who do not have the same scheduling that we have were invited and are making the trip.

I'm leaning toward getting him something, though I am super bummed that our bizarre work schedule didn't even warrant me an invite that I could of course politely decline.

So - a token wedding present? A bottle of champagne? Something from the registry? Would feel very weird giving $, FWIW he makes about 50% more than me.

[Anonymous]

I find it very odd that he did not invite you. Even if work schedules would mean you couldn't attend I would think he would still invite you as a courtesy. I mean I invited a friend to my wedding even though I knew she was due with her first child a few days before and would very likely not make it.

No need to give a gift unless you really want to. If so I would keep it simple- nice bottle of wine or champagne. Would not get anything off the registry.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't give a gift unless I was invited and had to decline, whatever the reason.

[Anonymous]

He probably does not view your professional relationship the same way you do. I would not buy a gift but offer congrats the next time you have lunch.

[Anonymous]

Where do you work? Some jobs, and in particular the federal government, have rules about what gifts you are allowed to give to superiors. Make sure not to run afoul of that.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for all the advice!

I do think that I didn't get an invite because my boss didn't want to deal with the paradox. "Here's your invitation! But you can't come! Because I have to deny your vacation request!"

We had an awkward exchange about it, and he was clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation.

We're not feds, work for a small Europe-based information company. No gifting rules!

[Anonymous]

I would not get him a gift if you were not invited, regardless of the politics.

[Anonymous]

I think a gift is always appropriate, whether you were invited or not. I wouldn't buy off the registry, though. But something thoughtful in the $25-50 range would be nice--mostly as a token of positive sentiment. A bottle of champagne is a good idea. If it's within the bounds of your friendship, you could also give them a card now and then have them over for a celebratory dinner in a few weeks.

I got married two years ago, and we got a handful of very thoughtful gifts from people we hadn't invited--a potted plant from my students, a bread knife off our registry from an old friend's mom, a new bathroom set collectively from my mom's church.

It's okay to just be generous in celebration of someone else's marriage, and it doesn't always have to be in reciprocity for an invitation (as in that other popular DCUM thread going on right now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not get him a gift if you were not invited, regardless of the politics.

+1

[Anonymous]

Do not get him a gift if you weren't invited. It is weird that you didn't get an invitation. Are you as close as you think? Are the other people he invited on his level and it would have seemed weird to invite you, his subordinate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not get him a gift if you weren't invited. It is weird that you didn't get an invitation. Are you as close as you think? Are the other people he invited on his level and it would have seemed weird to invite you, his subordinate?

OP again. I'm his only direct report. The two people from my office invited are at my level. They were closer to his fiance though when she worked with us a few years back, and frequently hang out with her socially, while I do not.

And I'm the only one with a young kid, so aside from the work conflict it would have been nearly impossible to go anyway.

But maybe I'm just coming up with excuses. Now I feel even worse about the whole situation!

[Anonymous]

Getting him a gift will make the whole thing even more awkward. He certainly doesn't expect one.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you have a good work I relationship with him. If that were me and I was sincerely happy for him, I would give him the token gift, because that's just how I am. I don't believe in gift-giving rules.

I can see both sides of him giving/not giving you an invitation. I can imagine him asking someone if he should give you the invitation, and being told, "if you give her an invitation when you know she can't go, you'll just look like you're hustling for a gift." I can give him the benefit of the doubt on that.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered seeing if anyone else in the office wants to pool together? If you're leaning towards wanting to get something, this might be a nice way to still get him something significant without having to shell out too much on your own.