How to reconnect with spouse after baby?
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Anonymous
| DH and I have had a tough year. We are best friends but haven't had much intimacy since baby came along. I'm not referring to sexual intimacy, just intimacy in general. We both recognize the need to work on our relationship but aren't sure how. We have some challenges. We aren't in a position to leave the baby in someone else's care at the moment. We get anywhere between 15 minutes to maybe an hour on a good night after the baby has gone to bed. We want ideas for how to use this time to reconnect. Activities we can do together that are quiet (sleeping baby nearby) and will help us reconnect. Please don't tell us to hire a sitter, etc. We will when we get there but for now we are just looking for ideas, things that we can do in 15 minute bursts, that aren't necessarily sexual, to reconnect. To be clear, our relationship is not in danger here - we are both 100% committed and genuinely love each other and expect the best for us. |
Anonymous
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Frequent sex works for us.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Sometimes the simplest things are the best. Lie on the bed facing each other and just talk about your day. Your dreams. Your struggles. The other person listens and doesn't try and "fix" unless the person talking asks for opinions or advice. You can google to find lists of questions to ask each other to spark conversations.
Play scrabble or uno by candle light. Cook together. Watch an old episode of a comedy from your past--Cheers, Cosby Show, for laughter and reminiscing. |
Anonymous
| any reason you can't get a sitter? |
Anonymous
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We tell each other the three best things about the other person and give recent examples (for example: my husband has a very generous nature and just last week he just gave his arm to an elderly woman crossing the street with us and asked her if she would do him the honor - he is so cool and easy about everything - God, I love that about him!) or the three best things we noticed when we first met each other or started dating. It never fails to make us both very happy and feel connected again.
My husband also takes my face in his hands, from time to time, looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Tell me you know how much I love you". It's amazing how much that calms me and makes me focus on the fact that I KNOW with every fiber of my being, that he loves me. |
Anonymous
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11:54 -- wow. You are like a lifetime movie.
To OP -- turn off any electronic device during that time after the baby is in bed. Don't wait until the baby is asleep to talk. Take walks together with baby in stroller or carrier. |
Anonymous
Okay, PP, now I am totally in love with your husband!!!! Seriously, I get the whole "three best things" thing. My husband took the time last weekend to draw this little cartoon for one of our neighbor's kids when the older boys wouldn't let him play ball with them. It took DH maybe five minutes but that was such a sweet thing to do to just a neighbor kid we don't even know that well. And he NEVER takes the last cookie. |
Anonymous
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This is corny but do you have a wedding video or pictures from your early dating? You guys could pull those things out and reminisce.
Also corny, but I occasionally write little notes saying something nice - nothing as romantic as PP's husband (he's a keeper!), but just nice things like "I'm glad we've made it this far and I'm looking forward to the future." I'm pretty reserved normally so this type of thing goes a long way. |
Anonymous
| Yeah my husband and I struggle with this too. Yesterday, we took the day off work but sent our daughter to daycare as usual. It was great. I can't wait to do it again. I know you said that you can't leave your baby with anyone, but reconsider. |
Anonymous
You know this! Screens off. Back rubs. Board game. "Anything good happen to you today? Anything not-so-good?" Listen. Sex. Sleep 
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Anonymous
The best thing I ever did for my post-kids marriage was after the kids go to bed 2-4 nights a week we turn off our phones, iPads, computers etc. Notice I didn't say TV because we do bond over some netflix and wine  But cutting down on the technology makes that final hour or two of the evening more tranquil and better for bonding.
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Anonymous
| We take the baby for a walk in the evenings when we have time before DS goes to bed. We've always had our best talks while we are walking. No phones, no TV, no distractions. We talk about the future, our baby, work, everything. We try to walk once a day on the weekends too...the weather has been great for it lately. We have a 6 month old and sometimes we'll pick a movie we haven't seen...even though it takes us 3 nights to watch the whole thing! We have a fire pit in the backyard and we also sit out there with the baby monitor and a glass of wine, even for a half hour. For us, getting away from our phones and computer is key! On weekends we'll also wait until baby goes down for morning nap and make a big brunch to enjoy together. I don't know how old your baby is, but we felt reconnected around 5 months. |
Anonymous
| It was hard for us to stay connected for the first months as we were both getting used to being parents. One we worked the parent-thing out and got confident in those roles we could turn back and look at each other as "us" again - husband and wife/lovers/best friends. It took a few months and then we did have to work at talking about things other than the baby (which is hard!). Going without our screens is a MUST. Making-out is also fun and helpful. |
Anonymous
| You could totally have sex in 15 minutes. |
Anonymous
Very Nice. Your husband can get it any day of the week. |