Insecurity??

[Anonymous]

My father and I have never really gotten along that well. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I occasionally spent part of summer with him. When I was a teenager I moved in with him though due to some problems I only stayed for about a year and had to move out. We didn't really talk very often for a couple of years and then I got married had a kid and was a sahm. He still wasn't part of my life because he didn't really care to be I don't think. Now that I'm working again and my son is older my father has made himself a weekly fixture in my sons life which is great. He spoils him and occasionally takes him places.

However, my father still doesn't tell me he loves me or that he's happy for me or anything. He still seems fairly distant even though we see each other on a regular basis. He doesn't really seem interested in me or my life unless it has to do with my son. He undermines everything I tell my son to do when I am around and then acts like its no big deal even though I have told him to stop. I don't get it. It is like he is purposefully making it more difficult for me and he seems to get a kick out it.

I would love some advice because I have struggled for years with this. Anyone have any advice or clues as to why he is acting this way?

[Anonymous]

I don't think the question you should be asking is why he is acting this way. He just is. Maybe it's sexism maybe he's just a jerk.
I don't have any suggestions on how to deal with him. Maybe you can try in the family relationship forum.

[Anonymous]

Stop being a doormat and limit contact.
He probably won't change and you are wasting your time with him. Tolerating his disrespect for you in front of your kid is stupid and a poor example.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here, the bad thing is is that my son seems to adore him but he is too young to understand the complexity of the relationship. I'm happy that they get along so well and I don't want to limit their contact just because my father is the way that he is. I have explained to my son that what mommy says goes and that if he does something that I tell him not to he will get in trouble. Its a difficult thing to do because sometimes my father will tell him its okay when I have clearly told him it is not. I'm sure it is confusing for my son so I cannot really punish him for things that his grandpa told him to do. It's complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being a doormat and limit contact.
He probably won't change and you are wasting your time with him. Tolerating his disrespect for you in front of your kid is stupid and a poor example.

Good luck.

+1

Get this loser out of your life. He does NOT care about you or your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the bad thing is is that my son seems to adore him but he is too young to understand the complexity of the relationship. I'm happy that they get along so well and I don't want to limit their contact just because my father is the way that he is. I have explained to my son that what mommy says goes and that if he does something that I tell him not to he will get in trouble. Its a difficult thing to do because sometimes my father will tell him its okay when I have clearly told him it is not. I'm sure it is confusing for my son so I cannot really punish him for things that his grandpa told him to do. It's complicated.

You cannot punish him if grandpa tells him its ok. You are messing up your son. Grow a backbone and stop contact w your dad. Why are you messing w your kid's head? WTF?

[Anonymous]

Your father chooses to have a great relationship with your son at your expense. He might never change in his relationship with you. Some parents don't make the effort at having a good relationship with their own children but jump through hoops to get along great with their grand kids which causes weird authority dynamics.

You are smart enough to accept that your dad was/is an absentee parent. Just make sure that he does not sabotage your parenting style since he had such a negative parenting experience with you. Hang in there.