Secondary infertility and your sex life

[Anonymous]

I'm experiencing secondary infertility - asherman's - which is more likely than not irreversable. Since receiving the news last September that surgery was unsuccessful we've pursued adoption but our sex life is nonexistant. Like, we haven't had sex for 10 months. I didn't realize until today, when I finally dragged myself in for a routine GYN exam (which I have been actively avoiding for ages), how much I just can't even talk about/think about/deal with this aspect of my body or my life. Just having the exam and talking to the doctor about my issues put me in tears on my drive to work. I feel like what's the point of having sex, you know? While we were TTC the focus of our sex life was on procreation. And now that it just isn't ever going to happen, I can't for the life of me figure out how I'm going to get back to sex being something you do for fun and to connect with your spouse. I am so lucky that my husband understands how I'm feeling, but at the same time that I feel guilty I just can't bring myself to be interested in sex or care. It's not fair to DH and I know it. But I feel like when we do have sex again, I will probably end up in a puddle of tears over the futility of it and gee, what fun that will be.

Has anyone else BTDT? Advice? (Other than the knee-jerk response to go to therapy?)

[Anonymous]

I have this problem too although I just make myself engage even if I'm not super into it. I did get upset the first time but it's just something I feel I must work through to keep the relationship functional. Unfortunately I see it almost like a chore at times but a necessary one for my spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this problem too although I just make myself engage even if I'm not super into it. I did get upset the first time but it's just something I feel I must work through to keep the relationship functional. Unfortunately I see it almost like a chore at times but a necessary one for my spouse

OP here. I hear you, but it's not my goal to just fake it forever. I'm not attacking you - understand that - I'm just curious how we are supposed to get past going through the motions to the point where sex can be enjoyable for the sake of it again. I honestly don't know how I'll ever get there. Do you?

[Anonymous]

Hiya, OP. I'm also secondarily-infertile due to Asherman's. And my DH isn't open to adoption. Sucks, don't it? Getting used to having an only. Generally it's okay but I cried this morning.

Here's a practical suggestion: mess around with your husband but do NOT do anything procreative. Think of it as if you're trying to not get pregnant. Explore other methods and orifices. Maybe that will allow you to have some fun without getting depressed over the useless puddle of semen swimming through your useless cervix to your useless eggs that will find no purchase in your useless uterus.

(okay, I'm projecting, but that's how *I* saw it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hiya, OP. I'm also secondarily-infertile due to Asherman's. And my DH isn't open to adoption. Sucks, don't it? Getting used to having an only. Generally it's okay but I cried this morning.

Here's a practical suggestion: mess around with your husband but do NOT do anything procreative. Think of it as if you're trying to not get pregnant. Explore other methods and orifices. Maybe that will allow you to have some fun without getting depressed over the useless puddle of semen swimming through your useless cervix to your useless eggs that will find no purchase in your useless uterus.

(okay, I'm projecting, but that's how *I* saw it).

I'm just struggling to even get to that point. I can't get in the right frame of mind.

[Anonymous]

Can you spend ten minutes kissing? Nothing else.

Do you think you could talk to your husband? Tell him you miss being sexual with him, but need to take it slow to find your way back.

There are also various books with exercises you can use to try and help reawaken your desire.

I'm sorry. I'm there too and it is so, so hard. It sounds like you two love each other a lot, and together you can find your way through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you spend ten minutes kissing? Nothing else.

Do you think you could talk to your husband? Tell him you miss being sexual with him, but need to take it slow to find your way back.

There are also various books with exercises you can use to try and help reawaken your desire.

I'm sorry. I'm there too and it is so, so hard. It sounds like you two love each other a lot, and together you can find your way through this.

Yes, we have talked and agreed this is the way to go. That we need to just get back to some level of physical affection and intimacy that isn't tied to strictly to sex. I think we'll get there. I feel like I'm going to have to retrain my brain on this. It just sucks - I feel broken as a woman.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say I'm sorry, OP. This sounds tough. Glad you can be honest about it with your husband. Be kind and patient with yourself. You are absolutely not broken.

[Anonymous]

We are trying for our 1st one through IVFs and I experience similar problem as OP. I lost interest in sex after being diagnosed with blocked tubes. I have become extremely goal oriented. I feel sex is to be done to have a child and what's the point when my tubes are blocked. I am lucky to have an understanding and loving husband. He doesn't force me in to things and completely understands my frustration. I feel very guilty for not keeping him happy but I cannot fake it either. We do things together and have lots of love for each other but I am unable to have sex anymore. Hopefully it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are trying for our 1st one through IVFs and I experience similar problem as OP. I lost interest in sex after being diagnosed with blocked tubes. I have become extremely goal oriented. I feel sex is to be done to have a child and what's the point when my tubes are blocked. I am lucky to have an understanding and loving husband. He doesn't force me in to things and completely understands my frustration. I feel very guilty for not keeping him happy but I cannot fake it either. We do things together and have lots of love for each other but I am unable to have sex anymore. Hopefully it will get better.

OP here. So sorry to hear you have blocked tubes before you've ever gotten started. I know exactly how you feel....there's this level of utter frustration and futility. I'm so angry at my body and how I can even be dealing with something so unlikely. I really hope you get pregnant soon and can realize your dream of being a parent. And I hope we can both find a way back to physical intimacy. I do miss it but I can't even think of it as something that's possible. I can't envision how to embrace this stupid body of mine for enjoyment. Thank God we are married to good men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are trying for our 1st one through IVFs and I experience similar problem as OP. I lost interest in sex after being diagnosed with blocked tubes. I have become extremely goal oriented. I feel sex is to be done to have a child and what's the point when my tubes are blocked. I am lucky to have an understanding and loving husband. He doesn't force me in to things and completely understands my frustration. I feel very guilty for not keeping him happy but I cannot fake it either. We do things together and have lots of love for each other but I am unable to have sex anymore. Hopefully it will get better.

OP here. So sorry to hear you have blocked tubes before you've ever gotten started. I know exactly how you feel....there's this level of utter frustration and futility. I'm so angry at my body and how I can even be dealing with something so unlikely. I really hope you get pregnant soon and can realize your dream of being a parent. And I hope we can both find a way back to physical intimacy. I do miss it but I can't even think of it as something that's possible. I can't envision how to embrace this stupid body of mine for enjoyment. Thank God we are married to good men.

Thanks OP. I was thinking of posting this question but then I thought I would be the only one like that and if nobody responded, it would add more guilt and embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

I don't have an answer for you, but know that you are not alone in this. I don't know how aanyone goes through an infertility crisis and not have it affect your sex life. It definitely did not improve ours, and I can't say it's gotten better yet, after 18 months. It just sucked all the joy out of what sex used to be. I know we need to talk about it, but I'm not ready to yet.