Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.

[Anonymous]

My mother and I have always been really close, in many ways she's my best friend but she's also incredibly opinionated and a little too involved in every detail of my life. I'm 37 years old, married with 3 children and sometimes she still treats me like a child when I don't do what she wants. She's never going to change, I know that, but what I'm looking for is a way to deal with her constant opinions and criticism. So for example, DH and I are getting a new sofa. She wants to go with me to look at sofas before I go with DH so she can give her opinion about them before we pick then. I don't have time to go twice and frankly I don't know why she needs to have a say in what sofa we choose. Now she's angry and hung up the phone on me because I won't go with her first. As I said, I have 3 little children and I have my hands full with them but she constantly tells me my house isnt neat enough. She texts me all the time to tell me to clean up, remind me when the trash has to go out and tells me about various tasks she thinks DH needs to do. If I get even a little annoyed she won't speak to me until I apologize.

I know from everything I'm saying she sounds awful but there is a lot of good too. She's an amazing grandmother and she really helps me out a TON. Of course I'd just as soon not have her help because of the strings that come with it (ie she thinks she can say anything to me because of her generosity etc) but if I ever told her that I didn't want or need her help it would literally start world war 3. Does anyone have a parent like this and how do you deal? I usually just say "ok" to whatever she says whether I plan to do it or not but sometimes that just doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Witness relocation program. They'll provide the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Witness relocation program. They'll provide the couch.

LOL OP here. Thanks, seriously that would solve the problem!

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a nightmare. An "amazing grandmother" doesn't treat her grand children's parent like shit. Giving you the silent treatment until you apologize??? That's messed up OP.

Grow a backbone. No, she doesn't get to go look at sofas with you. Delete her texts. They do not warrant any response. When she starts nagging, walk out of the room.

If I were you, I'd invest in some serious therapy.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have borrowed money from her and that is the underlying issue. If you're financially dependent on your mother, she's not going to see you as a competent adult.

[Anonymous]

Stop sharing info with her. Problem solved!

[TheNewGirl]

THERAPY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have borrowed money from her and that is the underlying issue. If you're financially dependent on your mother, she's not going to see you as a competent adult.

No, I've never borrowed money from her. She helps in lots of non-financial ways but as I said, if I've told her I don't need the help she gets annoyed that I don't want her help. I have no doubt therapy would be very helpful and that's my plan but for now I'd just like to know if anyone has dealt with a parent like this.

[TheNewGirl]

Yes, I dealt with it through two years of intensive therapy. Hence the advice. You are too weak & enmeshed, dependent and dare I say indoctrinated to possibly maintain appropriate boundaries. You need help to give you perspective. I know how hard it is OP but my life is 10,000 times better now.

[Anonymous]

TheNewGirl wrote:Yes, I dealt with it through two years of intensive therapy. Hence the advice. You are too weak & enmeshed, dependent and dare I say indoctrinated to possibly maintain appropriate boundaries. You need help to give you perspective. I know how hard it is OP but my life is 10,000 times better now.

Thank you! I'm glad things are better for you!

[Anonymous]

Therapy.

Also: She won't talk to you until you apologize? Call her bluff. Let her stew, do not apologize, see what happens.

[TheNewGirl]

To let you know how bad it was for me before therapy, I just had the totally irrational thought that my mom would come upon this board, this thread, know it was me, and be LIVID.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a version of my mother. Although, I have distanced myself from her significantly because of her negativity, passive aggressive behavior, etc. My sister has not distanced herself or every stood up for herself and therefore deals with more of the things you mentioned. It's exhausting and difficult to deal with.

I don't think you were wrong for not having her help you go shopping for a new sofa and I think you should stand your ground. And kindly remind her when she is upset and brings it up again, that it is ok for you and your DH to make a decision on which sofa to buy without her assistance. Thank her for offering but let her know it is not needed.

Your mom sounds like she needs to feel needed and important at all times?

[Anonymous]

I think you just need to watch what you tell her and when you tell her..

Instead of saying "We're going to buy a couch this week." Say - "We bought a couch! Want to come by and see it?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just need to watch what you tell her and when you tell her..

Instead of saying "We're going to buy a couch this week." Say - "We bought a couch! Want to come by and see it?"

21:03 here. i agree with this but then it becomes an issue that she didnt tell her mother they were thinking about buying or when they bought it. mothers like this are never happy and its hard not to let it bother you when they out and blame their unhappiness on you.