MIL vent...

[Anonymous]

I just really need a moment to vent. We're fortunate to have grandparents who care about our daughter. Yes. But at the same time, my MIL and I have always had an extremely complicated, strained relationship. However, compared to her relationship with her own children and other in-laws, I'd say ours is pretty good. In a nutshell, her family is her entire life, to the point of obsession. She's had many emotional breakdowns about not seeing her grandchildren enough - she has two out of state, two others in the same state, and then our granddaughter is in the same state, an hour and a half away. Luckily for us, she got the bulk of the breakdowns out of her system, by the time my husband and I had a child.

I have a daughter, who's about to turn 3, and I could go into many stories about various inappropriate behaviors and comments from my MIL. Here are just a few.

1) Shortly after I announced the gender of our daughter during my pregnancy, my MIL said at the family thanksgiving table, "Girls are too much trouble. I wish I could have had all boys, no girls." She has two grown sons and two daughters - so ouch. I responded, "Well, we're still pretty excited about having a girl."

2) When my daughter was just born, 2 months old, and I had just started working from home again, and my MIL came to help with my daughter. She refused to let her sleep. She kept trying to play with her and talk to our newborn loudly, all day. When I told her she needed to sleep, she'd just brush me off and say to my daughter "Oh you're not tired, are you? No you're not! You want to play!" Then later, after listening to my daughter wail for 30 minutes downstairs, I came down to check on her, and there was my MIL bouncing her roughly and talking all loudly to her again "Those are crocodile tears! Those aren't real tears! You have no reason to cry! I fed you, your diaper's dry! There's not reason for you to cry!" Then my MIL says, "Oh she's crying because she sees you there." And then when I went to my daughter to hold her, within five seconds seconds, she stopped crying and went to sleep. My MIL says, "Oh she already knows just how to manipulate you, doesn't she?" And I was like, "What do you mean? She's 2 months old." And then a back and forth discussion ensued, with my MIL trying to convince me that my daughter was aware enough to be manipulating me, and she said it was clear by the way she stopped crying when I held her, and then me trying to convince her that my daughter was just good at expressing her needs.

3) She goes totally overboard with gifts. Multiply that by 10 when it comes to her grandchildren. My husband does a pretty decent job of limiting her, and to her credit, she does make a concerted effort to curb the amount of gifts, even though she complains about being limited. So now it's only maybe 15-20 gifts for christmas, 10 gifts for her birthday, one big easter basket filled with little junk toys, and she usually brings her a book and/or gift or two, every few weeks or so. We have lots of friends, and extended family, so our daughter has a ton of stuff. But I guess that is all relative, because my MIL says that we are DEPRIVING our daughter. I simply said, "I can assure you, she is very far from being deprived." In fact, I think she is VERY privileged. She has her own room, with books, toys, and she has toys and books in almost every room of the house - her room, the living room, dining room, our bedroom, not to mention the playroom full of toys she has in the basement. She has an art table, an easel, she has drawing, painting materials, playdoh sets, a trampoline, we take her to the children's museum, zoo, gym classes, the local park and playground, go on daily walks, you name it. Our daughter is developing beautifully, is the happiest little bee, is curious about everything, loves learning, and has an amazing attention span. But my MIL is constantly saying that our daughter needs MORE stimulation (more, more toys).

4) Recently, my MIL was going on about how smart my daughter was, how she's so advanced for her age, and that she could be a genius, and she's bragging to everyone she knows that she was potty trained before 2. This is the same MIL that wouldn't keep quiet about how she was worried her OTHER granddaughter had autism, looked like she had down syndrome, had an eating disorder, you name it, she had it. By the way, that other granddaughter is now perfectly normal and healthy at age 5. And of note, she thought her other grandson (the little brother), was just perfect, and ironically he is the one with obvious developmental delays. Now, sure, I think my daughter is bright, and there are things that some days that impress the socks off of me. But it just kinda bugged me how focused she seemed to be about how so much more advanced she is than other kids her age - it seemed like she just needed her to be the star grandchild or something. To me, there are so many other important things to focus on. And one day I dared to say, "Yes, she seems advanced in many areas, but she is average with other kids in other areas." You would have thought I just threw the biggest most awful insult at my MIL. She got soooo defensive. It led to this back and forth argument, and we just decided to leave it at "we agree to disagree."

Ok, that was just a few examples, but that gives you an idea of the complexity of our relationship. If you've read through all that, thank you.

I think after writing all that down, I realize that I just really let her get to me, when I should just let her comments roll off my back. If anybody has some practical advice as to how exactly I can do that, I'm all ears, because even though I know that is what I need to do, it is so hard for me.

[Anonymous]

Women who say they prefer boys to girls tend to be awful to other women, IME.

[Anonymous]

Practically speaking, if the gifts and toys are too much even after repeated requests from you and DH keep a box at the ready for donations.

When MIL criticizes your parenting, "Hmmm. I'll keep that in mind." Then continue with your decisions.

When you get into those back and forth debates do NOT engage. Again, "Hmm. That's interesting." Then change the subject, "So how about this weather? The pollen is terrible this year."

One area I would speak up, though, is the pitting the grandchildren against one another. They are family, not competition. If she's criticizing one of the cousins I'd shut that down. If she's praising your DD to the point of discomfort I would acknowledge, "Yep, she's a bright and happy little girl," then change the subject.

You aren't going to change this woman.

[Anonymous]

See her less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When MIL criticizes your parenting, "Hmmm. I'll keep that in mind." Then continue with your decisions.

When you get into those back and forth debates do NOT engage. Again, "Hmm. That's interesting." Then change the subject, "So how about this weather? The pollen is terrible this year."

OP here. I think I need to write this down and put it on my wall so I don't forget. In the moment though, I really just can't help myself from responding to her. Is there some trick to it? In the moment, I'm thinking - "I can't just let that one slide, it'll bug me forever if I don't say something." But then the truth is, when I engage with her, it ends up bugging me even more afterwards.

[Anonymous]

I was you a few years ago. I could have written your post down to how I had all the details and all the horrible things she's said. both times we announced pregnancy she acted disappointed and even told us such b/c she didn't think it was the perfect time.

My fixation on it ultimately drove a wedge between my husband and I because he didn't like how I felt about his mother. The resentment was just really bad for me.

I wish I learned to dismiss and ignore her early on. In the end I think she won some because I let her get to me.

Don't be me. Ignore her comments, give a short thanks or okay and walk away. you have to. plus as you get older the kids will pick up on it and it drives them further towards her. not the best idea.

[Anonymous]

She sounds utterly exhausting. And bonkers!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was you a few years ago. I could have written your post down to how I had all the details and all the horrible things she's said. both times we announced pregnancy she acted disappointed and even told us such b/c she didn't think it was the perfect time.

My fixation on it ultimately drove a wedge between my husband and I because he didn't like how I felt about his mother. The resentment was just really bad for me.

I wish I learned to dismiss and ignore her early on. In the end I think she won some because I let her get to me.

Don't be me. Ignore her comments, give a short thanks or okay and walk away. you have to. plus as you get older the kids will pick up on it and it drives them further towards her. not the best idea.

OP here. Thanks for this. I think I needed to hear that.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. What a horror.

Does your husband feel the same way you do?

Limit contact as much as you can, and ignore her subsequent breakdowns. When you see her, try not to be alone with her. Boundaries - tell her you will donate the gifts if there are more than a certain number. Ignore stupid comments, and I mean stay silent, even if she goads you.

You need to stay outwardly respectful and courteous so that when she inevitably complains, she will have nothing to grasp at, materially. That does not mean you have to be a doormat, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Does your husband feel the same way you do?

He knows her ways, but it bothers him much less. He always tells me that she's gotten so much better over the years, that this is nothing. He's also not afraid of putting him in her place if she says something really inappropriate, but sometimes a little too harshly. So I think my MIL often tries to avoid him because he can be harsh - she prefers to visit when he's not around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Does your husband feel the same way you do?

He knows her ways, but it bothers him much less. He always tells me that she's gotten so much better over the years, that this is nothing. He's also not afraid of putting him in her place if she says something really inappropriate, but sometimes a little too harshly. So I think my MIL often tries to avoid him because he can be harsh - she prefers to visit when he's not around.

Oh, no, you have to put a stop to that. No visiting when DH is not around. He gets to deal with her, you get to slip out for a pedicure and grocery shopping!

That would solve a ton of your problems. And let DH do most of the communication, not you, including scheduling. DH isn't available? Oh well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Does your husband feel the same way you do?

He knows her ways, but it bothers him much less. He always tells me that she's gotten so much better over the years, that this is nothing. He's also not afraid of putting him in her place if she says something really inappropriate, but sometimes a little too harshly. So I think my MIL often tries to avoid him because he can be harsh - she prefers to visit when he's not around.

Oh, no, you have to put a stop to that. No visiting when DH is not around. He gets to deal with her, you get to slip out for a pedicure and grocery shopping!

That would solve a ton of your problems. And let DH do most of the communication, not you, including scheduling. DH isn't available? Oh well!

Agree. You should not be hosting her by yourself everytime she visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See her less.

+1000

Donate the extra gifts (I told my family the same thing because they go overboard at Xmas. I don't have the room, so if they keep buying, I donate it. I tell them I will, so they may as well save their $.)

BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES. She sounds like she has some mental problems. When was the last time she was evaluated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was you a few years ago. I could have written your post down to how I had all the details and all the horrible things she's said. both times we announced pregnancy she acted disappointed and even told us such b/c she didn't think it was the perfect time.

My fixation on it ultimately drove a wedge between my husband and I because he didn't like how I felt about his mother. The resentment was just really bad for me.

I wish I learned to dismiss and ignore her early on. In the end I think she won some because I let her get to me.

Don't be me. Ignore her comments, give a short thanks or okay and walk away. you have to. plus as you get older the kids will pick up on it and it drives them further towards her. not the best idea.

NP. This is good advice. My MIL is very similar and I find it hard to bite my tongue. It was starting to affect my relationship with my DH too. I'm getting better about dismissing and ignoring, though it does take time and practice.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your MIL has severe psychological issues or personality disorders.

Regarding #2. If anyone had acted that way with my baby I probably would have gone apesh$t on them... and probably NEVER let them near my baby again. I really don't understand your response to that situation.