Sad About Teacher Relationship

[Anonymous]

I am just feeling sad right now and have nobody to talk to that would get it- actually not sure if anyone will get it! . Instigated a teacher meeting to discuss DS's current progress- we are supposed to get updates but haven't gotten one in over a month and wanted to know how he was doing. Got there and the meeting included both counselor and SPED teacher. Although this is no big deal, it made me sad that we can't just have a relationship with the teacher. Also made me feel like I needed "representation" even though it was a simple meeting. I feel like they never say anything. Whenever a question is asked they appear to all look at each other as if to ask one another what they can say. They definitely seem guarded, but I have no idea why! Everything, and I mean everything, has to be discussed with other people. Even a simple phone call to discuss chaperoning on a field trip had two teachers on it. It is like the general educator is scared to speak alone- I don't know if this is the case or if this is just school policy, but just makes me feel upset. As I said, I know this isn't the most rational thought, but guess I wanted to know if this is how it is for everyone else. If your child has an IEP, does every meeting include the special educator?

[Anonymous]

The special educator is the one who is legally responsible for his progress. She can't exclude the sped teacher. But I'm sorry you felt badly about the meeting, OP. That never feels good.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there is some history here where they feel threatened or there is conflict with you. I have never experienced anything like this and I have two kids with IEPs - been through ES with both and into HS with the oldest. I have discussions all the time with teachers - often through e-mail because it's efficient and who has the time to go in for meetings. Sometimes if there are specific questions or problems, I copy the special education teacher on the e-mail so we can work together on a resolution. But, no one feels like they need a group to meet with me.

[Anonymous]

Every "official" meeting includes the sp ed teacher b/c she is my son's case manager but the teachers all tell me about anything that comes up since I see them everyday twice a day at drop off and pickup and they have no problem telling me what will help them with my DS. For example, a teacher requested that I reschedule a play date as a reward for good behavior.

We also have it written in the IEP that we get weekly emails about how the week went.

So no, what you describe is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Op here- that's what I thought- that this is not normal. However, I truly have no idea what the teacher would be worried about. The child is only in k, so there's no history and this started day 1. He has an IEP from age 4, but was never in PEP, so I can't have a reputation! Also, the meeting was not about any sensitive issues. We didn't discuss his IEP, any of his goals, or anything, though I did ask if he would be in an inclusion class next year (that's when they were all looking at each other) and they just told me they didn't know and left it at that. I do know that the school has special education issues (mentioned on this board a lot) and there is a current lawsuit against the school so maybe they are just really cautious? A month left!

[Anonymous]

Yes, the lawsuit would tend to make them nervous about what they say. It likely has nothing to do with you or your child.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the teacher got burned or in trouble in the past for how she handled another special needs child and is covering her butt.

[Anonymous]

That seems strange, but what do I know, my daughter is still in preschool with her IEP. However... I have almost daily updates from her teacher. I get a paragraph about how she did that day in a folder that is sent home daily, and I also talk to the teacher briefly at pickup time. If I have any questions, I also use email. Your situation feels off to me.

[Anonymous]

OP here- All teachers are always friendy. I don't feel like I have a bad relationship with anyone- I just feel they are all so guarded and are careful not to talk about anything important unless someone else is around (nothing important was discussed yesterday, but maybe they were worried I was going to talk about the IEP?). I wasn't suprised that the SPED teacher was there yesterday since it is an inclusion class and he has an IEP, but the counselor being there without notice just tipped the boat a bit. I am glad I got to hear how he is doing from her perspective, but it felt like she was the school "representative." Hopefully it is a CYA situtation and I haven't done anything inadvertently to draw this reaction. Thanks for letting me vent!

[Anonymous]

It could be coming from the Principal. I have seen where Principals are so hyper-vigilant about "protecting their staff" that they go overboard and try to micro-manage when a special needs parent is involved. You should realize too that it is possible that the principal has directed that any staff who receives email from a parents of a child with an IEP must forward the email to the principal as well. Seen that one before, too.

[Anonymous]

Each time you meet, you can ask the surprise attendees, "Ms. XXX, I'm surprised to see you here. I wasn't informed that you would attend. Can you tell me why your presence is necessary at this meeting?" Also ask, "Do you regularly attend all teacher/parent meetings, or just those for 504 or IEP students?"

If there's no reasonable explanation and it's more than an isolated incident, write a letter afterwards complaining to the principal that this is an intimidation tactic to keep you from working collaboratively with the teacher about your student's needs. It's also discriminatory in the sense that it places unreasonable increased burdens on the parents of kids with IEPs or 504s. It could also be perceived as retaliatory if you have made complaints before.

Copy the special education supervisor or the 504 supervisor in the central administration. They hate to receive complaints that lay a paper trail for retaliation or systematic discouragement of parent participation.

[Anonymous]

Op here- It is a fine line becuase I want to question why she was there BUT I also want to try to keep a positive relationship for 5 more years of school. It could definitely be coming from the principal. I think the frustrating part is really the not knowing. I have to guess and my mind has taken over all kinds of possibilities! Too much stress!

[Anonymous]

Why don't you turn your attitude on its head? Instead of being embarrassed/ashamed/frustrated by having all of your kid's professionals at a meeting, you could chose to be grateful that the whole team is there and working to make sure everyone is on the same page.

What did you hope to get out of that meeting that you couldn't get because the other team members were there? Did you have an agenda that you couldn't address with the other professionals there?

Your team sounds very professional and kind to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you turn your attitude on its head? Instead of being embarrassed/ashamed/frustrated by having all of your kid's professionals at a meeting, you could chose to be grateful that the whole team is there and working to make sure everyone is on the same page.

What did you hope to get out of that meeting that you couldn't get because the other team members were there? Did you have an agenda that you couldn't address with the other professionals there?

Your team sounds very professional and kind to me.

OP here- I WANT to feel this way! I am so thankful for all of the hard work they do with my child, but they were so guarded yesterday and it doesn't expalin why it takes two people to call me. As I said earlier, I know I am just venting. This is not a big deal, but at the same time I don't want to feel uncomfortable with every meeting for the next 5 years. I will try to be more positive about it and think they did it for good reasons and not because of a bad reason- thanks for the reminder!

[Anonymous]

I would say the need to have two teachers on every phone call with a parent who does not have a reputation as yet is probably a result of the pending lawsuit.

Also why there would be a counselor and not say the special ed and regular ed teachers at a meeting does not make sense unless there was an issue related to a service that a counselor would cover.

However, you question of placement for the upcoming year would have been seen as a possible "curve ball," and I would agree it would have been one that the two individuals there could not decide and so wisely chose not to comment. I know you would like to know "why" there seems to be "a guarded" attitude in communication, but maybe the best way to see if this is something happening just to you or not is to try and ask other parents of children with IEPs that you may know.
Or for a direct answer - if you are willing - simply ask the principal?