International grandparents have some issues

[Anonymous]

My parents (now grandparents to my DD) are immigrants from Eastern Europe and have some views that are at best pollitically incorrect. In the past when they have verbalized something I don't agree with I have corrected them and they just roll their eyes and say I am being "so sensitive" and that there "is no real free speech in this country." When it's just me then I can correct them and change the subject or try to explain that they need to think before they speak. For example, my mom said her friend just had a child and because the family is biracial the baby is "so cute because he looks like a little milk-chocolate". I was so embarrassed that she would say something like that and within earshot of other people but when I told her that was inappropriate she just laughed and kept it up. I don't want to invite my parents to events at our home because of what they might say in front of my friends and neighbors, who are from all different backgrounds and would be offended by her. Now, my DD is getting old enough to actually understand what grandma is saying and I'm worried about her influence. If I can't keep grandma's mouth shut, how can I explain she is not welcome when we have parties and how do I explain to DD that grandma is wrong while keeping the peace in the family?

[Anonymous]

Do you have better examples? Because I don't really see what's offensive in that one.

[Anonymous]

You need a better example.

--mom of two cafe mocha boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a better example.

--mom of two cafe mocha boys.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

The milk chocolate comment is barely inappropriate, and honestly, having biracial kids myself, I would take 0 offense to that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am oversensitive then? Her comments typically are like that, or sometimes more like she's stereotyping. Like she was concerned about my day care being dirty because the woman was Indian (you could eat off her floor). She wanted me to ask her about her cleaning routine. She comments a lot about the "gangs" in my neighborhood which is a typical suburban neighborhood that happens to have a latin population. One of the neighbors has a teenager who hangs out with his friends working on his car in front of the house and they make my mom very nervous. Things like that. Am I overreacting? My DH agrees that a lot of time her comments are innapropriate and my DD is getting to the age where she will be repeating things soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am oversensitive then? Her comments typically are like that, or sometimes more like she's stereotyping. Like she was concerned about my day care being dirty because the woman was Indian (you could eat off her floor). She wanted me to ask her about her cleaning routine. She comments a lot about the "gangs" in my neighborhood which is a typical suburban neighborhood that happens to have a latin population. One of the neighbors has a teenager who hangs out with his friends working on his car in front of the house and they make my mom very nervous. Things like that. Am I overreacting? My DH agrees that a lot of time her comments are innapropriate and my DD is getting to the age where she will be repeating things soon.

Yes, you're over-reacting. You need to explain to DD each time before Grandma visits that she has some views that you and DH do not agree with and that society has evolved to know better these days so we don't repeat many of these comments. We love Grandma, but disagree, and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

You are overreacting.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your mother saying all these things in English? 'Cause if she's saying them in her native Eastern European language, no one will understand her, your friends at parties included.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you're overreacting given the examples in the OP and your subsequent post. However, I think for the most part you can continue to do what you're doing- talk to your mom when she says something that offends and tell your children that grandma has views that you don't agree with.

BTW, white moms of biracial children are not necessarily the beat judges of what is and isn't offensive...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW, white moms of biracial children are not necessarily the beat judges of what is and isn't offensive...

I assume you meant "best" instead of "beat" and so I ask, what exactly the fuck do you mean by that?

[Anonymous]

I do think that your friends won't judge you by your parents. Older folks often get a pass with this kind of thing (not that that makes it okay) but younger generations know that this kind of thing once used to be okay but no longer is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW, white moms of biracial children are not necessarily the beat judges of what is and isn't offensive...

I assume you meant "best" instead of "beat" and so I ask, what exactly the fuck do you mean by that?

PP probably misread, thought OP's child (not the friend's child) is biracial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am oversensitive then? Her comments typically are like that, or sometimes more like she's stereotyping. Like she was concerned about my day care being dirty because the woman was Indian (you could eat off her floor). She wanted me to ask her about her cleaning routine. She comments a lot about the "gangs" in my neighborhood which is a typical suburban neighborhood that happens to have a latin population. One of the neighbors has a teenager who hangs out with his friends working on his car in front of the house and they make my mom very nervous. Things like that. Am I overreacting? My DH agrees that a lot of time her comments are innapropriate and my DD is getting to the age where she will be repeating things soon.

FWIW, my family is from an Eastern European background--- grew up in ethnic neighborhood in a big city, second generation American-- and sometimes I wish all they would say is that a kind has milk chocolate skin (my kids are bi-racial by the way and I wouldn't find that offensive). Mine are more the living comfortably but angry at the world, FOX news-types who get nervous if they see a few black or Latin kids walking within a few blocks of our home. In some ways, they're getting worse and they try to justify it by saying nice things about the lovely black family they met on vacation. As others have said, I think old people do get a pass, to a degree, but in the end, you'll need to draw the line if it gets out of hand and your kid starts repeating things.

[Anonymous]

You're allowed to have parties w/out your parents being there. DH and I have had cookouts w/ just friends and not invited my parents. It's no big deal.