Tell me about managing when your spouse is seriously ill and you have young kids and no help

[Anonymous]

My spouse has been hospitalized with a totally unexpected, out of left field serious illness. I feel gobsmacked. A car accident or heart attack would make more sense to me. We are looking at major surgery with a recovery of several months including a period of at home nursing for implanted devices. I am five months pregnant with a preschooler. We have no family or friends able to help (and I'm not sure what I would ask them to do anyway) but I am already exhausted from runs to the hospital twice a day and so is the kid. We have money to hire people but I've never been comfortable with having strangers in the house (other than the occasional babysitter or cleaners when we had them before). I don't know how to "be" with people in the house (any kind of contractor/repair person) but I also have no idea how I'm going to keep my sanity if I'm tending to both DH and our kid. A look at our timeline has him getting better right when the new baby is due. Suggestions, advice, please. How did you weather the storm?

[Anonymous]

Hire help. Get over your discomfort and get professionals in to take care of what you can't. I have 3 chronic illnesses and a mild TBI. I'd live to be able to afford to hire help.

[Anonymous]

I got comfortable with "strangers" in the house real quick. Also, I asked a retired friend to come stay for a month to help. Sometimes she stayed with my toddler while I went to the hospital and ran errands, and sometimes she ran errands for me while I spent time with the toddler (or napped, whatever). I outsourced whatever I could.

I hired a nice high school neighbor to come help each afternoon from 3-6pm. When his mom found out why I was needing the help she often popped by with dinners, or staples (milk, OJ, bagels, etc.), or called as she was heading out to the market.

Really, the key is reaching out to people who you aren't yet close with, and allowing people in your house.

[Anonymous]

OP, hire hire hire and please ask your friends. Otherwise you're going to come out the other end feeling resentful and exhausted. I just went through a brief medical drama (a few days in the hospital and a few months unable to do every day things like drive) and I was shocked at how few of my friends offered any help. I think as long as you seem like you have it all under control, people tend not to offer. In our case we gave massive overtime to a PT babysitter at first, and then we just coped by living like shut-ins.

If you're not comfortable asking, try this: email a wide network of friends with an update on your husband's health. I have an acquaintance who sent around a note about her husband's serious accident one weekend - I was there the next day with a meal and babysitting offer. I am sufficiently socialized to know that is the right thing to do. But without the prompt - if I just heard about it through the grapevine - I might not have acted as quickly.

Best wishes to your husband and your family in navigating what sounds like a really difficult time. And congratulations on the impending arrival!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Different situation but as somebody who was a single parent with no family or friends around I had to accept and ask for help from acquaintances such as coworkers and neighbors. If you can build a local support system, it will be easier. Sometimes just knowing I can drop DD off at a neighbor's house helps make things seem less overwhelming even if I don't often take advantage of it.

If you have the means, I would also find a nanny you can trust. If you have someone everyday, you can get used to that person being in the house. Having a nanny would also allow your toddler to stay at home during some of the hospital visits so that your little one can stay in his/her routine and be less tired, as well as allow you some time to focus on just your husband instead of trying to deal with both your husband and your toddler at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has been hospitalized with a totally unexpected, out of left field serious illness. I feel gobsmacked. A car accident or heart attack would make more sense to me. We are looking at major surgery with a recovery of several months including a period of at home nursing for implanted devices. I am five months pregnant with a preschooler. We have no family or friends able to help (and I'm not sure what I would ask them to do anyway) but I am already exhausted from runs to the hospital twice a day and so is the kid. We have money to hire people but I've never been comfortable with having strangers in the house (other than the occasional babysitter or cleaners when we had them before). I don't know how to "be" with people in the house (any kind of contractor/repair person) but I also have no idea how I'm going to keep my sanity if I'm tending to both DH and our kid. A look at our timeline has him getting better right when the new baby is due. Suggestions, advice, please. How did you weather the storm?

I am very sorry to hear about your husband's illness.
Look at the bolded above.
It's a life and death thing, right?
You will have to hire help if friends and family can't chip in. Be very courteous with your staff, and have everything in writing up front.

What do you need most? A housekeeper? A nanny?

[Anonymous]

I went though this with my dh when my kids were 2 and 5.

Would you be more comfortable hiring a home nurse to help care for your husband than a nanny to help with your child? If so, consider it.

We didn't have the means to hire help (especially since being out of work for 6 months on disability pay of about $1200/month meant we had to go on Cobra which cost $1600/month) and it was hard on us all. I ended up getting frustrated with my dh more often than I should have and it caused a rough spot in our relationship for a while.

Hang in there! It gets better.

[Anonymous]

Not all simplifying requires having hired help in the house. Not cooking, at least during the work week, can be achieved through freezer meals, take out, breakfast for dinner (cereal), or just keeping it uber simple - like a grilled cheese with tomato (prepared) soup. Eating off disposable plates - so not cooking, not doing dishes, would make the night routine easier.

If any one in your neighborhood also has their kid in the same preschool, ask if they're willing to help you out by taking your kid along for morning drop offs. If you don't know any one, blast your need for help on the neighborhood listserve - you many find neighbors are eager to help, especially if it's as simple as taking your kid to the school they were already going to every morning anyway. I would totally do that for a neighbor while her husband is hospitalized.

Lastly, while you don't have family near by, if your family is helpful and able to come visit for the hardest week or two, I'd ask them to do that. And I'd hire help for at least some things - cleaning & laundry, at the least.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear what you are dealing with OP! I know someone else who went through something similar and she had lots of family visit to help. Hire help if family can't help. As others said, you just have to get over the discomfort. You need the help!

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks for all the kind words. My issue is how to get over letting all your family and personal junk out in front of strangers. I grew up blue collar and have never been comfortable being waited on by other people. I've also always done my own thing/never gone with the crowd and am very sensitive to judgment by others for being different. I have no idea how to get over this. I think a babysitter/helper in the house a couple of times a week could be helpful but I have no idea how I could relax with that person in the house at the same time as me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was the sick one in the hospital and my husband never visited me twice a day. That would have been optimal but I knew that he was trying to keep his job and care for our three kids. Once a day, or even once every other day if I was steady, was good enough. We did have friends that visited me on the days he couldn't make it. Twice a day with a small child is a lot. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It was very rough for us.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are worried about being judged then I would hire experienced professionals to help. An experienced nanny or housekeeper has most likely seen it all and is unlikely to judge you or your stuff. DH has a job that involves him being in other people's homes regularly and he said that after a few jobs, you don't even notice those kinds of things because almost everyone's house is filthy, their children running around screaming and cursing, and more people than you would think forget to put their sex toys away.

If the issue is your anxiety while people are present, maybe hiring a cleaning service to be there while you are at the hospital and leaving your son with a babysitter during some of the hospital trips would help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for all the kind words. My issue is how to get over letting all your family and personal junk out in front of strangers. I grew up blue collar and have never been comfortable being waited on by other people. I've also always done my own thing/never gone with the crowd and am very sensitive to judgment by others for being different. I have no idea how to get over this. I think a babysitter/helper in the house a couple of times a week could be helpful but I have no idea how I could relax with that person in the house at the same time as me.

OP, I sort of understand this line of thinking (I, too, am also uncomfortable with people in my house) but think of it this way: these people will be HIRED help. You are paying them money; they are your employees. They are not there to judge you, your house, your kids or your lifestyle in any way. It's not like having a friend or your mother stay with you, who is doing you a favor. This will not be inexpensive, so you can know that they are well-compensated for being there, doing what you ask them to do, and leaving as appropriate. You will not be "waited on" by these people. They are being PAID to help you manage.