For those who have been to marriage counseling...

[Anonymous]

Is it normal for it to take forever, and for you to go into a session feeling that things are better, but come out feeling like they aren't better at all?

The marriage counselor says we should be able to work through our issues. My individual person says he sees signs of great hope because my DH has changed his behavior. Yet so often I feel that I really don't have the energy for this and I really just don't think it will ever be ok.

We had an unsuccesful run at marriage counseling two years ago. We finally quit going because it was making things worse. After a lot of time of doing work on my own, I finally felt like I could see the issues pretty clearly. In September, after a big fight, I calmly said that when DH (tempting not to put the "D") returned from a trip he was about to embark on, that I wanted to address the orderly paying off of debt, and an orderly selling of the house, and that I was all done with this. He suggested counseling with a different counselor - someone he did individual work with before - instead, and I agreed.

I sometimes feel like I should have just stuck to my guns and have all done mean all done. This has been going on for years and I am so sick of it. If it were not for the kids I would have been gone long ago.

Is it normal to feel this way when you are doing difficult work? Will it ever get better? Also, the counselor is now suggesting we join a group. Has anyone had experiences with that? I don't know how it works and why that would be better than just the couple and therapist.

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's normal. I say this as both a therapist and someone who's done couples counseling with my husband. BUT. . . . I don't think it's useful for the work to drag on and on with no end in sight and no quantifiable improvement. Usually all that accomplishes is the enriching of the therapist's bank account. I suggest taking a session or two to set some goals and benchmarks, developing both goals and objectives that the two of you can agree upon. Then agree to review where you are in another month or two. Set some limits. Too many therapists are content to let the work drag on without meaningful change or forward movement.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think its normal to feel that marriage counseling is difficult and brings up negative emotions. If you are going into a session feeling fine but leave feeling like things aren't better, I suspect it may be that you still have issues to work on and that the session brought out some of those issues. The question then is whether you continue to deal with the issues in the next session(s) and find some resolution to them.

I also think it is normal to feel that marriage is a lot of work, although I think certain partners may be more work than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that I wanted to address the orderly paying off of debt, and an orderly selling of the house, and that I was all done with this.

I think my husband must have a secret second wife, you!

I tried THREE different counselors. We got nowhere with any of them. I finally have to accept that there is no saving this marriage, and no saving my husband.

Biggest mistake I have made in my life is staying too long in a bad marriage, because I hoped it would change. It didn't and now it's just so much worse for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far. I honestly don't know which boat I'm in - the hard work but salvageable boat or the abandon ship because it's going to sink sooner or later boat. I feel like that column from LHJ or Redbook or whatever it is - Can This Marriage Be Saved?

If others have further perspectives or experiences to share, I would appreciate hearing them.

[Anonymous]

I'm a big proponent of imago therapy (http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/). My husband and I did this before we were married (after calling off the wedding that we later rescheduled) and it was really helpful for us. Really helpful. My only other advice is that you both really have to be willing to work and to listen to each other. And yeah, it can take a long time.

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

OP - I DH and I also did Imago therapy and I am a big proponent of it as well. I'm not sure what goes on in other types of therapy, because I never tried it -- but our experiences during therapy were not as you described. We always felt better and more connected after each session.