Conflict with in-laws - letting DH communicate

[Anonymous]

We have had a number of conflicts with my in-laws since we've had kids. DH and I think that it is best for him to communicate with his parents when an argument comes up. It doesn't go so well sometimes but I'm not sure I would make it any better or worse, more rational or more emotional. It's pretty normal stuff: vacation arrangements, how much they see the kids, how much TV they watch when they stay over. Do you defer to your spouse to communicate when there are disagreements with your in-laws?

[Anonymous]

We agree ahead of time on our stance and then present a united front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We agree ahead of time on our stance and then present a united front.

This!

[Anonymous]

We each deal with our own families. If something particularly sticky comes up, we discuss our position and then whichever side is causing the issue that time dictates who gets to present the verdict.

Which reminds me that soon H will need to discuss holiday gifts with his parents due to last year's shit show.

[Anonymous]

In general I would say husband should deal with his parents and wife should deal with hers.

On the other hand, if the wife's parents are annoying me and she doesn't deal with it, I'll take matters into my own hands. =)

Keep in mind that access to the grandkids is a powerful tool for making them toe the line.

[Anonymous]

Defer to my husband to communicate with his parents- who are and have been difficult since before we were married. His mom will often try to communiate through me via email or phone call, I usually let my husband respond or return the call. We do discuss whatever the topic may be, but best to let him do it. I manage my side of the family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We agree ahead of time on our stance and then present a united front.

+1

My mother has been getting increasingly manipulative in her golden years and tries to pull DH into arguments hoping he will take her side and help her push me around, prove I'm wrong about something or get what I won't give. He never takes the bait. I'm sure it pisses her off but she backs down when she realizes there's a united front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agree ahead of time on our stance and then present a united front.

+1

My mother has been getting increasingly manipulative in her golden years and tries to pull DH into arguments hoping he will take her side and help her push me around, prove I'm wrong about something or get what I won't give. He never takes the bait. I'm sure it pisses her off but she backs down when she realizes there's a united front.

My mom does it to my husband and I let him deal with it. He has no tolerance when my family treats me poorly and its great to have the support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general I would say husband should deal with his parents and wife should deal with hers.

On the other hand, if the wife's parents are annoying me and she doesn't deal with it, I'll take matters into my own hands. =)

Keep in mind that access to the grandkids is a powerful tool for making them toe the line.

Disgusting.

How would you feel if grandparents said that they would use the child care services they provide occasionally or frequently as leverage to control the behavior of the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general I would say husband should deal with his parents and wife should deal with hers.

On the other hand, if the wife's parents are annoying me and she doesn't deal with it, I'll take matters into my own hands. =)

Keep in mind that access to the grandkids is a powerful tool for making them toe the line.

Disgusting.

How would you feel if grandparents said that they would use the child care services they provide occasionally or frequently as leverage to control the behavior of the parents?

NP. If my ILs are going to treat me or DH like crap then they aren't the kind of people I want my kids around. So it's not a matter of punishment or leverage for us, it's keeping are young kids away from those @ssholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general I would say husband should deal with his parents and wife should deal with hers.

On the other hand, if the wife's parents are annoying me and she doesn't deal with it, I'll take matters into my own hands. =)

Keep in mind that access to the grandkids is a powerful tool for making them toe the line.

Disgusting.

How would you feel if grandparents said that they would use the child care services they provide occasionally or frequently as leverage to control the behavior of the parents?

NP. If my ILs are going to treat me or DH like crap then they aren't the kind of people I want my kids around. So it's not a matter of punishment or leverage for us, it's keeping are young kids away from those @ssholes.

our, not are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general I would say husband should deal with his parents and wife should deal with hers.

On the other hand, if the wife's parents are annoying me and she doesn't deal with it, I'll take matters into my own hands. =)

Keep in mind that access to the grandkids is a powerful tool for making them toe the line.

You sound like such a lovely person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general I would say husband should deal with his parents and wife should deal with hers.

On the other hand, if the wife's parents are annoying me and she doesn't deal with it, I'll take matters into my own hands. =)

Keep in mind that access to the grandkids is a powerful tool for making them toe the line.

Disgusting.

How would you feel if grandparents said that they would use the child care services they provide occasionally or frequently as leverage to control the behavior of the parents?

NP. If my ILs are going to treat me or DH like crap then they aren't the kind of people I want my kids around. So it's not a matter of punishment or leverage for us, it's keeping are young kids away from those @ssholes.

NP responding to NP above - that is how I do it. MIL and SIL are so full of emotional baggage, drama and are amazing at guilt-tripping DH that I just keep my DCs away from them. My DC have seem their dad's mother and sister 4 times in 11 years. Luckily MIL knows she is not welcome in my house. SIL won't save $$$ for tomorrow so she'll never be able to afford a plane ticket to visit.