Argument with MIL( I love my MIL by the way)

[Anonymous]

My inlaws hated one of their other DILs. Although I didn't like her, I encouraged my MIL to make peace. The SIL and my BIL were having issues and he got everyone involved in his mess. My MIL is aware that I also didn't like SIL. I explained at the time that it would be a process and that we just needed to go with the flow and be nice to her etc. That was two weeks ago. My MIL called me today about going out every month together with her three DILs. I explained to her that although I'm all for getting along, I am taking baby steps. I don't want to be thrown into a get together each month with her as I already see her other times during the month already. I was shocked when my MIL flipped out over the phone and said that I was basically being divisive and pulling the family apart. I was extremely upset because for over a month I listened to my MIL bad mouth her and I was the voice of reason explaining to my MIL that she didn't need to treat her badly or be the reason her and my BIL end up separating. Now because I'm not wanting to see SIL on a monthly girl's night out, I'm wrong? Please help me with this. I am nice to SIL, we text and most recently I even told my MIL I wanted to throw her a birthday party because I thought it would be nice to have one from our side of the family as her family resides outside of the State. What more can I do? I am sure the day will come when we can all hang out together on a monthly basis but now is not the time. I'm not sure what came over my MIL. I even advised her that it would be okay periodically but not every month and even encouraged her to hang out with her alone. I am happy that she's working at her relationship with SIL, but why is she trying to now make me feel bad about not wanting to get together every month. I'm doing my best. Right now I can only take her in doses.

[Anonymous]

Would it have killed you to try going out once instead of just flat saying no ?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like mother in law likes drama and likes scapegoating people. Before she scapegoated sister in law. Now you may be the candidate.

[Anonymous]

Op here- I never said no. I said it's not something I want to do EVERY MONTH

[Anonymous]

Sounds like one of those situations where everyone is a bit overwrought, probably esp. MIL b/c she's so concerned about the son married to the DIL in question.

I think there are a lot of ways to handle this, depending on how you feel.

You could agree to give the outing a try 1X and see how it goes.

Or, you could just go to MIL and tell her you were hurt by her response esp. given that she knows you've been supportive of re engaging SIL even when MIL hasn't been.

Maybe others have other ideas.

[Anonymous]

Agreeing to it in theory is different from actually making it happen. Do you think your other SILs will even agree to it? Even if they do, it'll probably happen the first few months in then stop. You could maybe respond in a non-committal, "Sure, let me know when."

Regarding your MIL's reponse, sometimes you're so caught up in trying to make things okay in a strained relationship, you become kind of obsessed and fixated and can't really see past that. That's probably what's happened here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like one of those situations where everyone is a bit overwrought, probably esp. MIL b/c she's so concerned about the son married to the DIL in question.

I think there are a lot of ways to handle this, depending on how you feel.

You could agree to give the outing a try 1X and see how it goes.

Or, you could just go to MIL and tell her you were hurt by her response esp. given that she knows you've been supportive of re engaging SIL even when MIL hasn't been.

Maybe others have other ideas.

I love how you worded this. I am hurt because I would never encourage my BIl to divorce her and even told my Mil that she shouldn't do it either. So hearing her talk to me as if I was somehow doing something wrong to upset the family dynamic upset me. I'm no angel, but I'm not that person at all. I totally could get through a night with her but her presence stresses me. Getting together monthly is not a commitment I'm ready to make. Every now and then would be fine, but my mil cannot accept this. By the way, I see SIL at least twice a month already outside of this event my Mil is planning, however there are many other buffers in place like our husbands and other relatives that make is easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like one of those situations where everyone is a bit overwrought, probably esp. MIL b/c she's so concerned about the son married to the DIL in question.

I think there are a lot of ways to handle this, depending on how you feel.

You could agree to give the outing a try 1X and see how it goes.

Or, you could just go to MIL and tell her you were hurt by her response esp. given that she knows you've been supportive of re engaging SIL even when MIL hasn't been.

Maybe others have other ideas.

I love how you worded this. I am hurt because I would never encourage my BIl to divorce her and even told my Mil that she shouldn't do it either. So hearing her talk to me as if I was somehow doing something wrong to upset the family dynamic upset me. I'm no angel, but I'm not that person at all. I totally could get through a night with her but her presence stresses me. Getting together monthly is not a commitment I'm ready to make. Every now and then would be fine, but my mil cannot accept this. By the way, I see SIL at least twice a month already outside of this event my Mil is planning, however there are many other buffers in place like our husbands and other relatives that make is easier.

Thanks.

Buffers are key in a situation like this. Lacking buffers, The Gathering of SIL's could be a big disaster.

Good luck! Your heart is in the right place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreeing to it in theory is different from actually making it happen. Do you think your other SILs will even agree to it? Even if they do, it'll probably happen the first few months in then stop. You could maybe respond in a non-committal, "Sure, let me know when."

Regarding your MIL's reponse, sometimes you're so caught up in trying to make things okay in a strained relationship, you become kind of obsessed and fixated and can't really see past that. That's probably what's happened here.

I don't think the other SIL cares for her either because of a slip up by her husband (my other BIl), but I have never broached the topic with her as I think it would be in poor taste. I would rather let her form her own opinion of our SIL. She is fairly new to the family. I'm pretty sure she would just go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like your MIL has been listening to you lecture her on how she needs to be nice to SIL for a long time, and expected your full support in this gesture. She is probably mad that you aren mt putting your money where your mouth is WRT supporting MIL and SIL forming a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like one of those situations where everyone is a bit overwrought, probably esp. MIL b/c she's so concerned about the son married to the DIL in question.

I think there are a lot of ways to handle this, depending on how you feel.

You could agree to give the outing a try 1X and see how it goes.

Or, you could just go to MIL and tell her you were hurt by her response esp. given that she knows you've been supportive of re engaging SIL even when MIL hasn't been.

Maybe others have other ideas.

I love how you worded this. I am hurt because I would never encourage my BIl to divorce her and even told my Mil that she shouldn't do it either. So hearing her talk to me as if I was somehow doing something wrong to upset the family dynamic upset me. I'm no angel, but I'm not that person at all. I totally could get through a night with her but her presence stresses me. Getting together monthly is not a commitment I'm ready to make. Every now and then would be fine, but my mil cannot accept this. By the way, I see SIL at least twice a month already outside of this event my Mil is planning, however there are many other buffers in place like our husbands and other relatives that make is easier.

Thanks.

Buffers are key in a situation like this. Lacking buffers, The Gathering of SIL's could be a big disaster.

Good luck! Your heart is in the right place.

Op-Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

ugh. i would never want to get together that regularly w/ my MIL and two significant others of my BILs (one SIL and one long term GF). totally agree it's different if there are buffers.

it sounds like your MIL likes drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreeing to it in theory is different from actually making it happen. Do you think your other SILs will even agree to it? Even if they do, it'll probably happen the first few months in then stop. You could maybe respond in a non-committal, "Sure, let me know when."

Regarding your MIL's reponse, sometimes you're so caught up in trying to make things okay in a strained relationship, you become kind of obsessed and fixated and can't really see past that. That's probably what's happened here.

I don't think the other SIL cares for her either because of a slip up by her husband (my other BIl), but I have never broached the topic with her as I think it would be in poor taste. I would rather let her form her own opinion of our SIL. She is fairly new to the family. I'm pretty sure she would just go with the flow.

I agree, but I meant how do both SILs feel about the monthly get-together? Is that something THEY would be willing to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like your MIL has been listening to you lecture her on how she needs to be nice to SIL for a long time, and expected your full support in this gesture. She is probably mad that you aren mt putting your money where your mouth is WRT supporting MIL and SIL forming a relationship.

You're right. This is probably true, however I really don't see anything wrong with me not wanting to commit to going monthly. Every in encouraging my MIL I never once pretended to be over my own set of issues with SIL, but I sure never treated her like crap or encouraged Bil to leave her no matter how I felt. I believe in crawling before you walk. I agreed to go from time to time. I think it's a great gesture but the timing is way off. I never attempted to force my SIL down my MIL's throat. I was respectful, and told her I understood why she felt the way she did but that she didn't need to be the catalyst to her son leaving SIL. I think my MiL is coming from a good place but I think her frustration is misguided. But that's why I chose to come on here, to get feedback. Perhaps I am in the wrong...

[Anonymous]

My mother always misplaces her anger and it sounds like this is exactly what your MIL did. You just were the blow up point for her because she is holding back from telling the other DIL what she really wants to tell her she ends up taking it out on you.

You sound like you are trying to be fair and honest. When your feeling up to it, suggest a time for the dinner. If you aren't feeling up to it, either let her know that you need a little space and they should go without you or make up enough excuses to push it back a couple of weeks until you feel ready again. For me, I feel anxious when there is pressure on me looming to do something I don't want to do so I would be inclined to do as you did and let her know up front that you aren't ready to make it so frequent. Maybe let her know you are up for every other month?

Sounds like you typically have a good and open relationship with her so I would try and talk to her after she calms down and let her know how her reaction to you made you feel.